The time is quickly approaching where the temperature will drop, your family time will be forgotten, and the dogs can stay inside all day Sunday. Yes, football is a mere (insert countdown clock here) days away! With the season fast approaching it is time to begin previewing the Minnesota Vikings 2010 opponents and assist fans in preparing their unnecessary venom, angst, ridicule, sarcastic and inappropriate comments, and terribly misguided ideas about the opposing team and their fans in a feature we are calling Compiling a Briefcase of Hate for your 2010 Opponents. Today, we look at the vile opening season opponents, the New Orleans Saints: Opponent: The overrated, and nauseating franchise known as the New Orleans Saints, Louisiana’s professional footballing squad ever since their inception (LIKE THE MOVIE?!?!?!) in 1966. Since then, they did a whole lot of nothing, and then a hurricane happened, and then they won a Super Bowl. YAWN. That’s all you need to know about that area. Oh, and that they’ll continue to bitch about injustices and how George Bush hates black people because they all chose to live below sea level and will soon have their streets running over with black gold. Whoops! Next Seen: The Vikings will not only open their season, but THE ENTIRE 2010 NFL SEASON against these delinquents on Thursday, September 9, 2010, in the Superdome of New Orleans, aka, the Home of the Hurricane Rape, after, you know, there was a bunch of nasty rape that went on there while people were flooded in. Kind of a smudge on the city, and all. Last Seen: Kicking the Vikings ass in embarrassing fashion but even more recently hoisting the Lombardi trophy because the NFL decided that they didn’t heal the city with their raucous and rousing return to New Orleans two year ago or whenever after Katrina hit, so they gave them a Super Bowl title. Gave? Yes, gave. That was the crappiest crappy Super Bowl team that’s ever crapped since the Giants won. I Strongly Dislike You, You, and You: Each team has a collection of ass hat wearers that deserve your scorn more than anyone else on the field. The Saints are just such a team. While your opinion on who is most deserving of your furrowed brow and angry fist shaking may differ from mine, for those people who have velvety hearts and smile rainbows instead of vomit black venom and punch baby squirrels, here is a list of players you may want to start planning on saying very stern words to:- Jeremy Shockey - While I understand the allure frat boys have nationwide of cheering for a guy that has flag tattoos and bags some mean STDs, the joke is over. Shockey is a locker room cancer (OF THE PENIS TIP), an under achiever, and has done nothing but look like a whiny bitch who just had her credit card revoked while in New York and a seizure case waiting to happen in New Orleans. Go fuck yourself, you roided out freak. - Reggie Bush - You suck at running the football like a running back. If I wanted my college football in my pro football, I would ask for it. Mario Williams was the better pick. And your celebrity girlfriend is apparently just a jersey chaser that is now dating Miles Austin, which leaves us to think whether she has taken a step up, or if this was just a lateral move, either option acting as a scathing statement on how valuable Reggie Bush really is. If anything, you were dating up, buddy. - Darren Sharper - Outside of being outed as a terrorist this off season, I’m not sure what more need be said. I hope you take shots at Favre’s knee and that you break your stupid spine when you inevitably whiff on a big hit and drive your inflated head that holds your wrongly perceived ego into the field turf. T’would be a wonderful day!
- Chase Daniel - While he probably isn’t even a blip on everyone’s radar, I put Chase Daniels here because people clearly haven’t thought about it this way; this man that loves to eat his boogers on the sidelines has more Super Bowl rings than Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, and Randy Moss combined. Pretty sure this alone disproves the theory of intelligent design and any higher power. And Oh, How I Loathe Your City: ENOUGH ALREADY. I get it. You had a pretty bad summer a while ago and everything since then has been really inconvenient for the city residents. Well lucky for all of you, the Saints decided to do something about it and win you a Super Bowl! HURRAY! PROBLEMS SOLVED! Now you can never bitch about things not working out for you EVER AGAIN. You do realize that was the trade off, correct? Because it was. And let’s face facts here; the Super Bowl win has done NOTHING to not make your dump of a city look like a future refuse site. Homes are still not rebuilt, residents are still displaced all over the country in broken down FEMA trailers, and only rich white people and stubborn minorities who refused to leave the area are still around. All the while, your governor walks around and goes “Gosh! Things are so bad! I demand someone do something, but it sure won’t be me!” And now you got some o’ dat crude oil up in yo’ azz! HOLLA! New Orleans sounds like it’s really on the up and up after that Super Bowl win, but hey, you’re champions now! So no one feels sorry for you. FACTS.
This is how You’ll get Your A Beat: First, the Vikings should have bukkaked on your faces for at least 49 points if people would have held on to the fucking ball. Sure, some pundits will point to Peterson and his fumbling as a reason we lost the game, or Favre and his CLASSIC interception at an inopportune time, but there was just as much team foibles that I’ve tried to forget that can really be chalked up to flukes that, even if you just wipe those away, the Saints still get curb stomped by two touchdowns. IT WOULDN’T EVEN BE CLOSE. No phantom penalties on Greenway, no uncharacteristic fumbles by Harvin and Just a straight ass pounding like a prom night. The question isn’t HOW the Saints will lose, it’s really HOW MUCH will they lose buy. /Removes purple colored glasses. Realistically the Saints will probably win, like how the Steelers won their opening game against the Cardinals after they won the Super Bowl that year then sucked for the rest of it, but whatever. No one wants to read that shit in August. And One More Thing: You have one hot fan and the rest are ugly as sin. Get over yourself.