The time is quickly approaching where the temperature will drop, your family time will be forgotten, and the dogs can stay inside all day Sunday. Yes, football is a mere (insert countdown clock here) days away! With the season fast approaching it is time to begin previewing the Minnesota Vikings 2010 opponents and assist fans in preparing their unnecessary venom, angst, ridicule, sarcastic and inappropriate comments, and terribly misguided ideas about the opposing team and their fans in a feature we are calling Compiling a Briefcase of Hate for your 2010 Opponents. Today, we look at the Guido’s of the AFC East, the New York Jets …
Opponent: The New York Jets. The little brother to the New York Giants. A team that, until this year, actually were associated closer with New Jersey. That alone tells you almost all you need to know about the Jets. Since the days of Joe Namath, Jets fans have had an over inflated sense of importance in the world of sports, yet have never really been able to top the public consciousness even in their own city. Sure, they’re associated with New York, which is a hell of a city, but let’s think of it this way. In football lore, the New York Giants are kind of like the New York Yankees. The Jets? Yeah, the Mets. And let’s be serious here. No one likes the Mets. The people that do are hipsters and white people in Brooklyn and Queens, and we all know NO ONE likes white people. Fact. So while new(er) head coach Rex Ryan, and a shiny new football stadium in Manhattan makes the Jets seem retro-cool, it’s all self induced and the reality here is that it won’t be long until “Gang Green” isn’t just a disgusting nickname for the team; it’ll be the infection that actually creeps up the players’ legs after they spend some time in the Hudson River. And then, of course, Joe Namath will try to kiss them.
Next Seen: The Vikings will head to New York in 2010 on October 11 for a Monday Night game. It’ll be a game filled with stars, as the Adnois Mark Sanchez will square off (potentially) with the Zeus of the football world, Brett Favre, and Ladanies Tomlinson will test his aging will against the current running back standard in the Indigo Jesus! Lights! Action! BROADWAY!
Last Seen: The last time the Vikings and the Jets played each other in the regular season was December 17, 2006, in the Metrodome. You may remember that game Chad Pennington somehow threw for over 300 yards on our porous defense, and Laverneous Coles caught 12 different passes for over 140 yards. Gross. Also, we still had Brad Johnson on our team then, which really says all you need to know about the Vikings in 2006. Also, looking back in history, the Jets have apparently made us a fool because they have an all time 7-1 record against us. The only thing we’ve ever beaten them at is getting Antoine Winfield to sign with us instead of them. It’s … pretty much the crowning achievment. UNTIL THIS YEAR WHEN WE WIN!!!
/guitar solo on mountain top!
I Strongly Dislike: As with any high profile team, finding players which you “hate” or perhaps “clearly despise but I’m too wishy washy yo use the word ‘hate’”, isn’t too hard. This is especially true when you’re talking about a team like the Jets, who are from a major market and have a sense of inflated importance, yet haven’t really done anything much in recent years to back it up. See also; Vikings. But back to the opponent, here are a select number of people associated with the Jets whom you should learn to frown at upon their television appearance:
- Mark Sanchez – First and foremost, I would kill to both have the square jaw that this dream boat is privy too, as well as potentially take my shirt off slowly for him if the Vikings were to trade for him and he were to become our new franchise quarterback. Young meat! However, this obviously won’t happen, so I am left with no other choice but to despise him. Dirty Sanchez … how DARE you play a single season at USC, declare yourself good enough for millions of dollars, and then lead your team to the AFC championship game? Your smugness rubs me the wrong way, and for that reason alone I declare you a life long enemy. YOU’RE THE JOE NAMATH OF MY GENERATION! Without the (known) alcoholism, of course.
- Braylon Edwards – Is Braylon Edwards perhaps the first homosexual football player that hasn’t admitted it yet? There are rumors … but this of course is no reason to dislike him. No, the fact that he has destroyed plenty of fantasy football teams in his time, wet his pants out of Cleveland, and seemingly can’t haul in a football like his name was Troy Williamson is reason enough. If you need another reason though, he did go to Michigan. *shudders*
- Jason Taylor – This is a pretty easy guy to villainize as well. You know, Jason Taylor, Dancing with the Stars extrodinare before Brooke Burke came on the show and KILLED it. Life long Dolphins player that decided to play for his arch rival instead. I mean, really, who would ever do something like that! It’s reason enough to burn him at the stake. Also, he kind of has always creeped me out with how he doesn’t seem to age in his facial region. Is he using age masking cream? Is he a robot? All I know is that robots don’t move like that … unless they’ve been sent from the future to kill us all …!
- Antonio Cromartie – Hey, what’s this? Another underacheiving athlete that has tried to get by on talent alone while using their millions of dollars as Christmas wrapping paper? I was always really intrigued by Cromartie. When he was in San Diego I thought he had many studly attributes. That was of course until I realized I kind of hate San Diego (the football team, not the Whale’s V) and, thusly, hated Cromartie. Also, he forgot how to tackle for a while which really kills the value of a football player. Just ask Asher Allen!
Man Alive I Hate that New Yoooork Song: Honest to god. As if it wasn’t already played out the FALL before when the Yankees were playing for the World Series, the NFL decided that unless they used it, it wasn’t REALLY played out. Well, you have reached ultimate success NFL, because I would rather swim naked in the gulf two months ago than listen to that song again. I can’t even listen to any Reasonable Doubt after Draft weekend because I associated all things Jay-Z now with an urge to kill. Also, another reason to dislike the Jets? They have a Flag Team. Yeah, Team Flag! Flag girls. That’s outrageous in this day and age. No one likes the flag team. That’s the group of people that has raw meat catapulted at them. Gross. And the Jets? They’re gross too. Also, Jets fans are total assholes, and they also serve as great fodder during the NFL Draft. I’d be remiss if I didn’t post this video:
This is How You’ll Get Snookered: That’s a New York/Jersey Shore reference, if you couldn’t tell. Now, the Jets surprised a lot of people last season by going 9-7 with a rookie QB and then almost pulling an upset in the AFC Championship Game to make it to the Super Bowl. Preposterous! People seem to forget that when the Jets lost to Atlanta in Week 15 that they were left for dead, essentially declared ineligible for the playoffs like the Lions were in Week 1. But then the Colts laid on their backs like Paris Hilton, and the Bengals thought they’d be able to handle the Jets in the playoffs instead of the regular season. The Jets then went on a ridiculous tear through the playoff tems almost culminating in a Super Bowl appearance. Since then, the team has lost some key players while gaining some other good pieces, but essentially I’ll call it a wash. Their defense may be a BIT better, but it was already so damn good you won’t even notice. Also, Revis Island is in holdout mode, so that could be bothersome for them. Dirty Sanchez is a year wiser, but I am anticipating a sophmore slump. Think about it; how is this doofus going to shred the mighty Vikings defense? He’ll be throwing more jump passes than Old No. 7. And they’re not sneaking up on anyone this year, either. People were willing to hedge their bets and face the Jets later in the playoffs, thinking they’d be the easy lay. It didn’t happen, but can you blame them? The defense is solid, sure, the offense has shown life, yes, but now people know where to hit them, and you can rest assured that the Vikings will find a way to grind it out with Peterson. The fact that this is an away game for the Vikings is bad news, but whatever. I can make ridiculous predictions because it’s summer time and no one will read this anyway.
And to Tighten Your Pants: Here’s some random Jets things that Favre would be willing to send photo texts too, if you catch my drift.