Was, currently is, at this point it’s all a matter of semantics depending on when people finally stop jacking off under their covers, roll out of bed drunk and hungover still, and finally get around to reading this.
Randy Moss was released from the Minnesota Vikings football team after a quick month stint with the team that originally drafted him. It was first announced (where I heard it anyway) on KFAN from NFL.com sources, or something of that nature, and then every self claimed insider started texting their grandpas, e-mailing their janitors at Winter Park, and fired up their seances to pretend like they knew what was going on.
In the end, it comes down to this: Childress is a bald headed pussy who is now just delaying the inevitable firing of him by cutting a player the fans go school girl over, that told him straight up how fucking terrible he is, and he knows it.
But this blog would be super boring if we just left it at this, so without trying to get to newsy time here on you, let’s report off handily what we know and then make up some wild conjecture, all without proper verification and links. WOOHOO!!
It’s times like this story that make me pretty excited I’m not one of those gay bloggers that doesn’t have a day job and just tries to update you on all the quick news as soon as possible, pretending to catch a break. I actually tried that for a bit WHILE I was still working and no one fucking noticed, so I gave it up. Like masturbating alone. I always partner up now. However, this isn’t to say that I wasn’t following the story all day. According to my vastly superior intellect, these are how the events played out yesterday in the news:
1. Brad Childress has a press conference at 12:30 or something, makes no mention of releasing Randy Moss, gives a cryptic answer about if he regrets the trade, saying “not right now”. Gay.
2. Reports break that the Minnesota Vikings have waived Randy Moss.
3. Moss punches Childress is his cunt.
4. Ben Leber gets cornered by a bunch of Walking Dead reporters and has to speak about what happened.
5. Reports start flying around that the entire locker room, Zygmut Wilf, and Prince are fucking PISSED at Childress for making this roster move, probably without consulting anyone on it. What a dick head.
6. People start suspecting Zygi is going to fire Childress, the Moss waiver claim doesn’t go through for this business day leading to people thinking Childress is fucking out, Moss is fucking in, and all of our wildest dreams are going to come true.
7. Childress releases a statement on Vikings.com saying releasing Randy Moss was in the best short and long term interest of the team. I making a very visible wanking motion with my hand and close my pocket book whenever I hear anything about the Vikings. END OF STORY FOR NOW.
Now, as the most well respected reporter in the Minnesota community, I fully understand impartiality and both sides of the story in this once-in-a-life-time football event. Through radio, Twitter, and bird calls, I have discerned that Randy Moss’ behavior was becoming a problem that was making this tough year even tougher than your mothers’ backside. Fans could see it on the field where he ran plays at half speed and alligator armed a potential free touchdown pass on the pass interference call before Favre got his shit packed in a few plays later. His bizarre press conference where he invisibly fellated the Patriots was even further proof that Moss may be schizophrenic and high at the same time. Rumors also started circulating after the initial news broke that Moss’ terrible practice habits were spilling over to our young, fucking awesome, receivers, which we just can’t have going forward. Also, unverified locker room sources told not as noteworthy Vikings reporters as I that the release of Moss was actually the most positive thing that has happened in the locker room this entire season, aside from Cullen Loeffler offering reach arounds in the showers.
(The other thing is that all the major media guys on the radio and newspapers played this off like “Oh! Moss is a cancer again! We HAVE to cut him! You can’t have that!” Fuck you people. You ran him out of town the first time too. No one fucking cares that you’re all butt hurt because he refused to take your questions. I’d rather Moss do this shit than toe the company line like Antoine Winfield on Monday mornings with Paul Allen, even thought I would totally have Winfield’s children. The KFAN people and Judd Zulgad, however, I would KILL THEIR CHILDREN with hugs.)
The other side of this is fuck you everyone.
Randy Moss is Randy Moss. I don’t care if he jacks off into Childress’ wife’s aorta. He stays on this fucking team now that he’s back. I’ve gone on record A FEW times saying we can lose the rest of our games this season and I wouldn’t fucking care because Randy is a Vikings. But Childress decided some off handed comments THAT WERE TRUE about Brad being a shitty coach was the last straw? So they cut him, Marcus Robinson style? AND we put up with Brett Favre’s shit for TWO FUCKING YEARS??? You are out of your league Childress, and you fucking know it. Clearly, he fed the rumor that waiving Moss was the best thing to happen in the locker room all year, because every other report said the players hated this, and Zygi hated this, after he worked FOR YEARS to get Moss back on this team, not to mention that you basically just wiped your diarrhea with a third round pick YOU FUCK. Also, we can talk all we want about Favre being an egotistical shit bucket, but Childress takes the ice cream cake now. We all know he waived Moss because Moss threw him under the bus at a press conference and blew up at him and his coaching staff after the Pats game, as The Vikings Age reported. It’s your typical management move. “You don’t like how we do things around here, huh? Well pack your bags, because I can fire you!” WHAT. A. PUSSY.
This was all done because Childress thinks he has more supporters than Moss in the organization, I guess. Well, I almost shit my pants when someone on Twitter when some guy called Tom Skallas (sounds like an STD) said the organization was in the process of discussing canning Childress and putting Frazier in as head coach. Clearly, he is full of shit and is as trustworthy of a NFL source as PJD is, but even the smoke from this fire tells you clearly Childress has lost it. We’re in delaying the inevitable mode now. There’s no way he finishes this season with a winning record after he’s lost this entire locker room. Favre retires, they fire Childress, and we start over with a rookie QB Saint Louis style, only way fucking better. I would be so excited for that. Get fucking Brian Billick back here. He loves it here.
All in all, the Childress hate is in full effect. He went WAY over the entire team’s helmet by releasing Moss, regardless of if he was justified or not. It was a move of a gaping, bloody, vagina, and he should be treated like one by being told to get fucked, then get out. And when that day happens, I’ll be the happiest and successful Vikings writer in the world.
Also, I couldn’t really squeeze this link in there anywhere (that’s what she said?) but somehow Yahoo! Sports has a bunch of awesome quotes from the players, anonymously of course. I’d check it out here. My favorite include “He doesn’t joke. Well he does but it’s not funny” and “[Moss] is smarter than anyone on the coaching staff. Make it work” and then finally, just the simple “Deal with it”. Smug Dog agrees.