Cradle that Football like it’s your Last Jar of Jam

I’m going to be honest here. I’m not entirely sure what the hell the Vikings are doing right now. Are these OTAs? Are these informal workouts? Are these casual job interviews of undrafted rookies? Are you giving them a cooking class with financial management skills? I haven’t really been paying that close of attention. All I know is that for some reason Adrian Peterson (Formerly known as Purple Jesus, at least until he cures the problem discussed here) was in Minnesota this week and was reported to have been hauling around a 14 pound medicine-football, possibly geared at helping him get over his fumble problem. Will this idea work? Probably not. The guy already, allegedly, has the strongest hand shake in the league. Is there some possible way where this elephant grip doesn’t transfer on to the football field? It doesn’t make any sense. Does weighing down a football make the carrying more cognizant of the item they are carrying, holding it closer because it’s heavier, and then when it’s a normal ball they maintain the same motions with ease? See, I doubt this too. If I went from a medicine ball to a normal ball I’d be like “Whoa, this thing is light as shit. I must be massively strong. Watch as I whip it around in my SUPER STRONG HANDS!” And then I would fumble. So this method clearly isn’t going to work, but we need to find some way for this guy to stop losing games for us. After the jump are PJD’s suggestions for fumble training Peterson should do in order to gain his Purple Jesus name back: 1. Replace a football with the last jar of Peterson’s favorite homemade jam. Dropping that will scare the shit out of him, so of course he’ll be instantly cured. 2. Replace the football with a bag of weed, because, come on, really. If you drop any weed, a trailing Percy Harvin gets it all and you get NONE! YOU HEAR ME?!? NONE!! Also, John David Booty may reappear, and none of us want that again. 3. Instead of a football, Peterson carries around an entire Angel Food cake for the rest of the camps. Naturally, it will attract fat people, especially Pat Williams. If Peterson can hold on to the cake the entire time, letting it get stale and cakey/sticky throughout this process, BOOM, problem solved. 4. Put his keys (as well as Ben’s) in a hamster ball slicked up in pig lard. You drop the ball? No more speeding for either of you. You have to get driven around for the entire 2010 season by Leslie Frazier, who I am sure drives like an old grandma.

Before that shitty little baby ruined everything!

5. The football gets replaced by none other than Parker Favre, Brett Favre’s grandson. If Peterson drops the probably already undecided future football star, Brett Favre doesn’t return. And none of us want TarVar as the starting QB, ok, Peterson? Get your shit together. Any other suggestions? Add yours in the comments. I know you got good, sexy, ones.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.