So, I’ll be honest here. Usually once I cash out (in the bad way, not by winning obviously) in most of my fantasy football leagues, which always happens to be in the first round of the playoffs, I usually just drop the whole thing like a red headed baby. I forget the season ever happened, I don’t update rosters for the consolation bracket, and I disown every player that was on my team. That’s normal, right? You just distance yourself from everyone and everything because the truth just hurts too much, and the tears are too salty? That’s what I heard anyway.
But not everyone sucked, or sucked as much, as I have this season. In fact, let’s get to finding out what exactly has been going on with the final four teams that matter in PJD’s Fantasy Football League.
As an aside, since I checked out once I lost, I wasn’t really following these games all that closely. So if the team managers and participants have some better insight as to what exactly happened, feel free to chime in, make fun of penis size, and so on and so forth.
Ass Virginity v. Percy’s: On the surface, this looked like a curb stomping. A 23 point win? It’s almost not even fair to play against a guy that is starting Vick. I’m guessing that AV was feeling pretty good about himself up until the fourth quarter of that Giants/Eagles game, at which point he wilted and did one of those cartoony, S-curve faint jobs, as Vick just kept on wracking up more and more points. Vick pretty much accounted for the win here, and the final score probably was only helped out by Joe Webb getting garbage time after Favre got cracked like an egg. Webb impressively put up 8 points in his first real NFL action as a QB (but listed in fantasy as a WR … tricky!), but it wasn’t enough to counter Vick, and my upset prediction of the week got swept under the rug like all those finger nails I throw on the floor when the wife isn’t looking. Percy will head to the championship game to BATTLE TO THE DEATH for a free t-shirt against ….
Crocs v. Cheesy: Fucking Cheesy? Whoa, whoa, whoa … what the hell happened here? Cheesy was sitting at something like 2-6 at one point this season and has rattled off enough hail mary’s to get to the championship game? I FUCKING HATE FANTASY FOOTBALL. Also, this is a pretty significant case to change up the scoring for next year. Suggestions? Anyway, somehow Crocs put together what must have been his worst line-up this entire season and struggled to get 58 points, while Cheesy played like a shorn cat on fire to get to his winning 59 point total. Jamaal Charles and the Patriots D were huge helpers here, and … I just don’t even know what to say. I’m not even sure Cheesy has been around to the fantasy page or read any of these since maybe week two and his team started going down the shitter. Someone should tell him he’s playing for a league championship. What an asshole.
No one else cares what happened: There were other consolation games that I didn’t pay attention to. I guess we can look at who is now playing for the worst of the worst, and we have … Parole Models and Rose Gardeners. Parole? Such a fall from grace. She was riding high for so long this season, even competitively fighting for first place in their division, then the whole thing fell apart like me kicking over a kids Lego building. Sucker. One of these two idiots deserves a special reward. I haven’t thought of anything yet and am open to suggestions, but it should be appropriately scathing. Used underwear? No, no …
Championship Predictions: After last week’s prediction mess, I am now sitting at 1-3 in playoff predictions. Clearly, that’s not very good, and clearly, I should be apologizing to Percy’s, because that’s who I’m picking to win the championship game match-up between him and Cheesy. I mean, let’s be honest here. Vick gets to play against a lifeless Vikings team and is going to just be dropping hay-makers on our ass. 25 points from Vick should be the MINIMUM to expect. Sure, Cheesy has a nice little team led by Taaawwwmmy Brahhhdddyy, but his dream season has to end at some point, and I also despise the fact that the guy who is probably trying the least is going to almost win the inaugural PJD league trophy. That sets an ugly precedent AND WE CAN’T HAVE THAT. So good luck to Percy’s, because I think we’re all rooting for the ugly Canadian. Canadian? Fuck, we just can’t win this year.
Enjoy the games, and get to looking at the merchandise shop for your free t-shirt!