McFadden… Steve Johnson… Kenny Britt… all on the bench. All-Star bench. Fuck me in the face.
Sweet Christ that would earn you a swift slap on the dick hole in MY league. And speaking of, how did this retard fest fair over the weekend? Let’s take a look in another Fantasy Football weekly review.
SON OF A BITCH: My worst nightmare continued it’s downward spiral this week as Feisty Fingers got luckier than a Lolita during the Vietnam War by racking up a RIDICULOUS 84 points. That’s almost as many times as she scores on a slow Saturday night! She had stupid help from Darren McFadden, who is having a nice little season and is admittedly someone I wanted to snag late in the draft and was kind of pissed off when she took him, when he scored 31 points in our league. She can of course now drop him, since he will never perform like this again. AND NEITHER WILL I. I’ll get you next time, Feisty. For now, I think I owe her a Caribou Coffee or something, but I’m afraid of meeting her because I feel she was one of those girls in high school that would smoke behind the cafeteria and push scrawny ass dorks like me into mud puddles by the bus. I’m sure we’ve all grown up since then though, right?
Barn Burners: There were some pretty exciting games this week as well, which I didn’t even know until I went back and checked because largely I just assume ALL of you assholes are going to lose. Parole Models was beaten by the lowly and often absent dick cheese Cheesy this week. She also had some pretty stellar one sided smack talk, as follows:
October 24, 5:14 pm
You’re not even checking this are you? Fucker. I don’t expect Percy to get 20+ points tonight so any further comments will be about your small penis.
October 25, 6:14 pm
Normally I can at least get some pleasure being dominated by a man, but with you I felt nothing.
It’s such a shame, because Cheesy wasn’t even around to weep into a bosom anywhere. What a misfit. The other barn burner was between Ass Virginity and Wilf’s Stache, where Ass Virginity barely pulled out (*giggles*) a one point victory when he had Jason Witten go for 11 points and jjuuuuuussssst enough yards to give him a one point win. Visanthe and Percy’s had a close game as well, a game Percy’s needed to win BAD in order to make me not feel so fucking smug all the time, but he ended up losing by two, even tough the Giants Steve Smith went off for 10 and Visanthe’s stable of bucks Roy Williams and Felix went for a total TWO! points. Close game, but if Percy’s loses I smirre.
Tight, unlike Parole Models: With all those wins and loses amongst the only teams that really matter, the divisions started tightening up like Cheesy’s sphincter when Aaron Rodgers winks at the camera. There are four teams that sit at 5-2 in the league including me, Percy’s, Feisty, and Crocs. Ass Virginity is close behind (go figure) at 4-3, and has to have half of his division games left to still give himself some distance. Somehow my team is still ranked number one overall (at least when I sign in and change everything to my favor), even though Percy’s big week of 67 points gave him with a loss AND the league lead in points scored. I would think Feisty should be there because she has the head-to-head tie breaker over me and the same division record, but hey, what the fuck do I care. If the system changed it to reflect that I would just fix it in my favor anyway. Being a commissioner is awesome.
Two Vikings that you should care about: Let’s make this clear; every other player on this fucking team fucking sucks. Every single one of them. Moss sucks, sucks, Camarillo is a dirty Mexican gang banging fuck, Jeff Dugan is a racist, Toby is a FAS baby and a waste of a draft pick, Favre can blow a chaffed horse cock, and the entire defense is worth less than spoiled clams. THEY SMELL LIKE VAGOO. However, with that being said, Percy Harvin and Adrian Peterson are totally fucking awesome this year, and you should be doing a gay little tap dance if you have them on your team. Therefore, Parole Models and I are the smuggest of the smug dogs in this pound, and for you two jackasses that keep giving me trade offers of Tony Romo for Adrian Peterson, go die now. I’m not going to even humor you with that shit.
Throw in something worthwhile and maybe I won’t jack off on your grave. That’s all I’m saying.
This is where things get interesting: Actually, probably not. I get to have a pillow fight with Sir Doofus Cheesehead this week, and probably won’t be able to even offer any smack talking because he’s still beating his wife and shot gunning Old Style or whatever Wisonsin people do on Wednesdays. Ass Virginity and Parole Models will be a good battle to determine who is on top or bottom in that division. I got dibs on saying Parole forfeits the game because she’s only ever had missionary style. Sucks, lady. Visanthe and Rose play with an erector set together, but then we get to the main event when Percy’s takes on Feisty, causing one of those assholes to lose and dropping my division competition to just ONE. I WILL THEN DESTROY YOU with a very strategic bye week pick up, I’m sure.
Enjoy the games, and stop by the PJD Merchandise shop to salivate over what t-shirt you think I’m going to buy for you when you inevitably don’t win.