Oh crap. It’s already week 12 in fantasy football. In MY leagues, we rock 13 weeks of Tom Foolery and then it’s nitty gritty, tooth and nail, hair pulling and finger nail scratching playoff battles! …. Which is kind of a disaster, because my team is playing like a bucket of baby carcases coming down the stretch. I’m trying to think of what this compares to, and the closest I can think of is the 2003 Minnesota Vikings who crumbled down the stretch after a 6-0 start and missed the playoffs with the famous Cardinals “NOOOOOOO!”
Well, I’m going to the playoffs for sure in this fantasy league, but it still really sucks, bro.
I’m going down quicker than your mom after egg nog: I’m only on a one game losing streak, but over the last five weeks or so it’s been a pretty big hit or miss scenario, mostly miss. This week was the worst example as the FUCKING ROSE GARDENERS pounded my brown hole harder than a prison Christmas present. 39 to 62? This cum bucket scored 62 points on me? I will say this, for being such an asshole that only shows up when things go well for him, he’s put together quite the nice little win streak at the end of the season. Unfortunately, it’s come too later for him to try to finish with a winning record, but when this league sucks so much boner it probably doesn’t matter. Why?
Two more spots still up for grabs: Because two teams are 4-8, three teams are 5-7 and one team is 6-6. Outrageous. This means that Ass Virginity is clinging to his early season dreams of when he was leading the Choad Licking division. That seems so long ago, doesn’t it? Like … five weeks or something. But now, even Visanthe and Rose are able to sneak in (the back door, of course) and play a playoff game. I’m not certain what this says about the teams, but I’m more afraid of what it MIGHT say about this fantastic league I have set up. Does the scoring suck? Are the players idiots? Do I need to do the fractional point things? That sounds stupid. I don’t want to do that. All I know is that, on the last week of the season, there is plenty of drama to toy with and plenty of hearts to be broken like nerds in high school. And who will those nerds be?
The last week of the fantasy regular season: The final week has some pretty critical match ups that oddly enough is going to decide a whole lot about who plays for a FUCKING FREE T-SHIRT and who plays in the Toilet Bowl. For starts, Feisty and I match up in a game that could determine seeding. Currently, Percy and Crocs both have BYES with Crocs seeded 1 and Percy seeded 2. I’m 3, Feisty is 4, Cheesy 5 and Visanthe 6. I don’t know how that works out but it does. So as it stands, I’d play Visanthe and Feisty would play Cheesy. If she beats me this week, it’d obviously flip.
There might be some major shit in the works. Ass Virginity and Visanthe are battling TO THE DEATH this weekend, and my guess is the winner of this game sneaks in as the 6 seed. Cheesy plays Crocs, who has been lights fucking out this season, and if he loses he may drop out of the playoffs entirely, or could drop to 6 too. That’s contingent on the high flying Roses beating Percy. If Rose wins, he may be able to sneak in with some losses, and if Percy drops, my team may move into a first round bye. GTFO! I think Parole and Wilf are both shit out of luck to make it in, but in an awesome twist of serendipity, these two teams play AS WELL in what will determine the worst record in PJD’s Inaugural Fantasy Football League! This is too damn exciting.
So good luck this week to the people I need to win, and to those whose losses may help my cause, I hope you die in a snow bank and forget to set your roster this week. Of course, this is just so I don’t have to buy people a $20 t-shirt. I WILL FIGHT FOR THAT MONEY, I SWEAR IT.
Enjoy the last week, buckos.