Want to hear something super depressing? The Fantasy Football regular season is already over for most people, particularly Parole Models, Wilf’s Stache, Rose Gardeners, and Visanthe My Shiancoe, the inaugural losers of PJD’s Fantasy Football League. However, they aren’t the LOSEREST loser. They still have to pillow fight it out for the next three weeks to find out who the winners all give golden showers too. What about the winners? Well let’s look, because that’s what’s interesting, not these losers who can’t put together a fantasy football team.
Great, now I hate Mexicans: You know that cock sucking hot bod Mark Sanchez? I needed him to throw a touchdown, maybe even just get to 200 yards if he even ended up with 13 interceptions. Maybe Ladainian Tomlinson could have ran for like, 50 yards or something too? But let’s not blame him, because clearly that Wet Back is the issue here. Because of his crossed eyes and gun slinging mentality against the Patriots defense Monday night, I ended up losing my regular season fantasy football game to Feisty Fingers 54 to 55. YOU STUPID BASTARD. If I would have won this game things would have been so different! I’d be 8-5 and feeling good! Instead I’m 7-6 and feeling like the Vikings. This fucking sucks.
In other notes, Wilf’s Stache’s ass beating to Parole Models left him with the worst record in the league (4-9), Crocs seven point win over Cheesy gave him the number one seed and a first round bye in the playoffs this week, and Ass Virginity got serious, decided to win another game, just to get blown out in his match up against …
Let’s get to fighting! FUCK YES PLAYOFFS! There is the bracket. Crocs and Percy got their first round byes like they wanted (assholes), and there are only two games that matter this week; PJD vs Cheesy and Ass Virginity vs Feisty. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN!
PJD vs Cheesy: Well, clearly PJD will win, BUT WHY? Because Cheesy’s team consists of Santonio Holmes, Jamaal Charles, Brandon Pettigrew, two kickers and two defenses. That’s gay. ….. Uh, he also has Tom Brady, Colston, Chris Johnson, and Akers which … shit. I think I’m going to lose. I give the edge to Cheesy in this game, 67-50, and I will gracefully bow out, calling Cheesy an asshole the whole way, before he potentially wins a fucking t-shirt I’ll have to buy for him. What a nightmare.
Ass Virginity vs. Feisty Fingers: You’re talking about a match up here between Schaub, Boldin, and Michael Turner with Virginity vs. Aaron Rodgers, Mario Manningham, Peyton Hillis, and Longwell. Uh, see ya Ass Virginity. This is like the Gophers playing against a Big Ten team. I mean, ANY Big Ten team, even Indiana. Or Illinois. EW!! Bitch, Feisty. Screw you for winning in week 14. I should be playing this soft match up. Look for Feisty, 63-43.
And let’s get to restarting our Vikings ….!: Ha, just kidding. Unless you have Squid Rice or Purple Jesus. They look to be back having some enjoyable fantasy games again now that Brett Favre has died. PJ dropped three touchdowns and a hundo yards while Rice had two TDs and … I don’t know, close to 100 yards? Cool by me. I would guess though that since the Vikings are facing a tough match up during these playoffs (Giants, Eagles, Bears) that the rest of the Vikings players aren’t worth taking a chance on, particularly if you want a shitty free t-shirt. Just sayin’.
Enjoy the playoffs: Fantasy football playoffs are kind of like watching bowl games in college. It’s football (in a sense), but it doesn’t mean much to most of us, aside from the select few who have a team fighting for something of importance. In this case, however, the winner only has bragging rights and a t-shirt. I thought I would demand that the winner take a picture with the shirt and share it with all of us just for fun, or also offer them the opportunity to provide a blog post talking all sorts of shit about everyone they would want to. I’m still open to that if the winner is interested. I’m also open to the two final teams in the championship offering content to provide here that week on why they think they deserve the t-shirt the most, as well as their selection a week before the game. You know, making this all interactive and shit!
Regardless, see you to the losers who played cavalierly, and let’s get on to winning!