Fantasy Dreams – PJD’s Fantasy Football Week Nine Update

Just to clarify, this fantasy week recap is short because I am short on time, but because I got my ass handed to me and I’m not man enough to face the music. I FUCKING LOVE MUSIC, I’M JUST MAD I LOST. So let’s get on to it.

Congrats you won, asshole: Uhahahahuhhuuuhhyou won finally you cock sucker Crocs. Congratulations, I had to mind fuck myself out of starting Terrell Owens otherwise I would still be trying to find my wrist watch in your girlfriends gaping meat muffin. TO ended up with something like 16 points or whatever, which would have been a boner inducing comeback all over your backside but, alas, I’m just another shit head that’s here to whine about his stupid fantasy team. Much like I’m guessing The Rosies are too, who ended up losing by only three to what must then be the second worst team in this league now, Cheesy. Hurray, moral victories! The other games weren’t even close, especially the one between Percy’s and Ass Virginity. Why, do you ask? Look at Percy’s starting squad this past weekend:

(Phi – QB) New player notes
Ind W, 26-24 10 14
(Pit – WR) New player notes
@Cin W, 27-21 5 10
(Phi – WR) New player notes
Ind W, 26-24 5 10
(Pit – RB) New player notes
@Cin W, 27-21 6 10
(Cin – RB) Player notes
Pit L, 27-21 5 8
(Bal – TE) Player notes
Mia W, 26-10 3 0
(GB – RB) Player notes
Dal W, 45-7 5 14
(NO – K) Player notes
@Car W, 34-3 9 10
(GB – DEF) No new player Notes
Dal W, 45-7 10 20
Total 58


What a fucking joke. You couldn’t even get a point from your tight end? Jesus, you are a horrible fantasy football player.

The Choad Lickers fucking suck: All this means is that we can now definitively state that the Choad Lickers are the NFC and the Labia Fearers are the AFC, because my god the Labia’s got a nice looking division. Tough, moist, tantalizing, just totally fuckable. LIKE A VAGINA, YOU SEE. Also of note is that Percy now holds the clear lead of points leader after his ridiculous week. So that’s pretty baller status for him, until he learns that all those high point getters end up getting sat during our playoffs. Sucker!

General notes of interest:

- The scissor match was super disappointing. Parole Models rolled over and ended up taking the strap on with a smile, and there wasn’t even any sexy trash talking. Really disappointed.

- Half of my team was on a bye last week and I still would have beat six of nine other teams this week. *smug dog*

- I like how defenses are totally unpredictable in this scoring system. That’s what makes a good defense on Sunday or Monday night so FUCKING exhilarating.

- All four of Parole Models wins have been in division, which is keeping her crazily in this thing. Noted.

- I was all excited about picking up a healthy Matthew Stafford off the waiver wire last week or whenever ago. Now he broke his clitoris again and is out for the season. Cool story, bro.

- Thursday night games on NFL Network start this week. I hate these because I don’t pay for the NFL Network, and also because I always forget to set lineups by then. So don’t forget.

Coming up next: The headliner is going to be a great match-up between Crocs and Percy’s. I’ll be cheering for Crocs this week, I guess. Ass Virginity and Feisty play (with) each other this week too, which has the potential to be good, only because they have very active mouths and can embarrass each other for my enjoyment. Other than that it’s pretty status quo, but we are getting closer to figuring out who I’m buying a shirt for, so I gotta ask: Are any of you super fat?

Oh, and feel free to use Cookie Monster to write shit talk into the space above his head for your opponent this week. I would love submissions!


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.