I play in two fantasy football leagues this year. In both of them, I have Purple Jesus and Ladainian Tomlinson. Normally, this would be a pretty sweet deal. AD is a perennial fantasy football running back that should be able to make the penis of the competitor crawl up into their abdomen. LT has been pretty good this year too. He looks like LT from five years ago, and surprisingly awesome in green. However, both of my competitors had Randy Moss (and one had Percy Harvin) on Monday night. As you can guess, I am kind of furious because those two ended up having a stellar night and the two normal high scorers tripped over Favre’s dick. This all happened in the worst way as well, because the Vikings still lost while managing to put up lots of points with the wrong people.
Those assholes can’t do anything right. What else happened in this week’s PJD Fantasy League? Let’s get into it.
The sexy ones fall, the ugly ones win: This is why I shouldn’t get so upset about this week’s fantasy games. Why? Because even the manager with the questionable sexual orientation that runs the Rose Gardeners squeaked out a win. Sure, it got a little nerve racking against Parole Models, as Percy Harvin ended up having the game of his young life in fantasy land, but late in the fourth quarter Shonn Greene scored a touchdown which put Rose ahead and secured his first win. Bull shit. Going into Monday night, PJD’s team had managed a weak 31 points against a one win team. It’s like the Vikings offense! I had Shiancoe, AD, and LT going and he had Randy Moss. Pfft! I can win this …… except I couldn’t. It’s almost unreal that Moss had the night he did. Finally, everyone’s favorite baddest bitch Feisty Fingers met the one guy that could get her on her back. Did he have a 13 inch cock? No, but he did have “Croc” in his name, which really is close enough. When the dust settled on their matchup, even the mighty Feisty was introduced to what the curious “L” meant. I thought it was Lame, or Limp this whole time … It means Loser, I guess, but it might as well be any of those other items. And truth be told, if you asked Feisty or myself, when you dominate like you do on a consistent basis and have one weird ass slip up like this week, you don’t walk away scared. You walk away with your dick in your hand and say “Oh, I’m sorry, did you win? I was too busy pleasuring your mom’s asshole to notice.” BOOSH. Win.
Tighter than a virgin Sterger: Regardless, this little week slip-up by the top teams finally knocked off all of the unbeatens, and gave all of the losers at least a small taste of victory. Congrats, Lions! Your 0-16 can pop that cork! The problem is that the Labia Fearing Captains division all of a sudden looks like the double D’s of the fantasy world. Three teams sitting at 4-1, with a ton of games still left between them all? Yeah, I know which division God is watching, and it’s not that crappy one where the guy in first place has a total of 224 points on the year. I mean, really Ass Virginity? That’s like the Chiefs being undefeated, and we all HATE Todd Haley. Regardless, I am going to go out on a limb and piss some people off and say that I have the clear upper hand in the division because despite me now only being the second highest league scorer (behind by four!), I am still 3-0 in the division, just like the Vikings will be soon. Think I’m wrong? Make a case for yourself by drawing an MS Paint image and leaving it in the comments. Any other submissions will be over looked because you can’t follow the fucking rules. I’m still trying to think of what t-shirt I want … I added a new Randy Moss one. Maybe that?
Heard this funny joke? The Raiders, Cardinals, and Lions all won games last weekend on the backs of their defenses. The Cardinals and the Lions are ranked one and two, respectively, in the league as far as points goes. One of us idiots is going to be forced to pick them up, either through temptation or because of bye week problems, and then we’re immediately going to look like George Michael getting caught sucking someone off in a London park, because none of these defenses will ever score that great again. This is what upsets me about the way I score my own league. You have these retarded team defenses that get flukey bounces one week and you can ride that shit all the way to a championship. Trust me. My brother did that back in whenever with the Bears. It was stupid and pissed everyone off. Kickers are like this too. Oh, you had an awesome game where you kicked five field goals and then got cut two weeks later? What a douche. I am seriously considering Individual Players and an extra wide receiver slot instead of kickers in the future. How do you score your league?
Stupid fucking Vikings: As mentioned, and as most everyone saw on Monday night, the Vikings had their ups and down. The Monday night game was playing right into Adrian Peterson owners hands. Holy shit! Lightning! Rain! Hail! You better keep the ball on the ground, right Childress? Of course not. Childress is a fucking moron and Favre decided to keep dropping the ball. Peterson ended up with a shit night (88 yards, negligible receiving) and the Vikings best receiving option up to this point, Shanko, managed a paltry 28 yards and one point. The Dong Slinger, on the other hand, got all smug throwing for three touchdowns and over 200 yards, clearly putting in his best performance fantasy wise of the season. I exclude the dick shots because we don’t get points for illicit texts in this league. Of course, the big story was Randy and Percy. Randy had over 80 yards and a touchdown while Percy came up big with 97 yards and two touchdowns. Fucking wild. And they still managed to be a bunch of cunts and lose the actual football game. DIE.
It’s t-shirt tiiiimmmmee! Next week gets interesting again, as it’ll start to crush hopes of a lot of teams in some anal tight division races. PJD faces off against Nonpopulists’ Ass Virginity in this week’s Battle of the Blogs, coincidentally also the game between the two division leaders. Perhaps a bet of some kind, good sir? A bet between gentlemen, even? Let me know. Parole Models and Wilf’s Stache fight for positioning in the Choad Licking Felons division, much like they would fight over the last glazed donut, and a battle of titans will occur between Percy’s Pot Dealer and Feisty Fingers. That’ll be a great one to watch. Finally, we have the toilet bowl that needs mentioning between Visanthe and Gardeners. I’m still pretty sure the guy that runs Gardeners, The Gally Blog, stopped checking in on his team weeks ago, so I hope that’s an easy win for Visanthe. I also hope that means we can all still call him offensive names, like Titty Muncher, Testicle Clamp, Bear Vagina, or Mounty Mounter. Because he’s from Canada, you see. Give me your best in the comments, and best luck to everyone not facing me next week. I’m going back on a winning streak, fuck this.