We return once again with an update on everyone’s favorite league that is watching all of this asshatery from afar. In week four we find some teams starting to truly distance themselves, and others who have just given up on life, like Farrah Fawcett. EEeeeeeee …..
Week four held some more blow outs, some nipple twisters, and finally a little bit of smack talk, so let’s not waste any more of your precious time and get to it.
Epic comebacks are epic: It almost happened. The unthinkable. No, not Rose Gardeners winning, that shit’s never going to occur, but Visanthe my Shiancoe went into Monday night’s game between New England and Miami down 35-58. Insurmountable. No way. His competition, CrocsOut, had Brandon Marshall going Monday night as well, and you know Marshall is good for cutting himself “accidentally” and probably scoring touchdowns. However … When the third quarter of Monday night’s game rolled around and the Patriot defense started unbuckling their pants and penetrating the Miami defense sans lube, shit just got real in fantasy land. First, Brandon Tate (who the fuck are you?) returned the kickoff for a TD. Then some rando named Kyle Arrington recovered a blocked field goal and ran it back for a TD. AND THEN Patrick Wang-Chung-Tonight (yes I stole that from the league as well, claim it in the comments) took a Chad Henne interception back for a TD too. In the end, it was Brandon Marshall who made the difference, however, as his measly two points were all that was needed to hold Visanthe off and secure a one point win. Ridiculous. And soul crushing.
I’m buying myself a t-shirt, aren’t I? I don’t know if my league’s participants are aware of this, but I am actually planning on buying the league winner a t-shirt out of my PJD merchandise shop, and yes, I’m open to suggestions if they want one personally made. But as it stands, I’m going Chris Brown on everyone so far this season and sit with that tricky fingerer Feisty as the lone 4-0 team left on the board. I keep telling people, when her and I match up TWICE more this season, it’ll be a battle of the titans. One will be a brawny, muscle toned, take charge, sexually aggressive competitor, and the other will be me. But it should make for a couple of fun match ups. So far, my Mel Gibson’s have scored the most team points with 258, but Feisty isn’t far behind with 240. The real question will be whose team has a critical player on a bye week, securing their loss? I’m feeling confident that my best player, Purple Jesus, will be able to carry me over any bye week discrepancies, because he would NEVER hurt my soul. NEVER.
Look who finally decided to play fantasy: I was personally surprised to see after the end of week four that Ass Virginity and Percy’s Pot Dealer both have risen from the ashes and look like strong competitors. It’s bad news Chicago Bears for Percy though, as he plays in the same division as Feisty and I. He’s kind of like the Cooper Manning of the Labia Fearing Captain’s division. In the other division, artfully titled Choad Licking Felon’s, Ass Virginity has risen to the top after a nice three game win streak which say wins over The Rose Gardeners (blech), Crocs (golf clap), and Cheeseheads (question mark). I give Nonpopulist shit because he keeps talking on Twitter about how great his fantasy season is going, and I could never tell if he was referencing OUR league or some other magical league that he wasn’t sucking bong smoke in. Apparently it was this league though. I stand corrected, sir.
I’m pretty sure they don’t read this: I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing kicks you out of a fantasy football league quicker than going 0-4 to start the season. And by kick out I don’t mean you’re forced to leave (although …), but rather that you lose complete interest and forget to even set line ups. Therefore, I am pretty sure that with The Rose Gardeners 0-4 record and Cheeseheads 1-3 record that both managers have checked out and are now eating corn dogs and jerking off to “Say Yes to the Dress” episodes. Therefore, we should take a closer look at their week four starting rosters and then make fun of them, yes? Here’s Rose:
Matt Hasselbeck, Jeremy Maclin, Brandon Lloyd, Justin Forsett, Shonn Greene, Brent Celek, Kevin Walter, Jeff Reed, Seattle defense
I see three things on there that are the property of the Seattle Seahawks, which is fucking moronic, and Shonn Greene got straight pimp slapped to second string after LT did his LT Shuffle into the starting lineup. In his defense here, Dog Killer getting hurt and then having a concussed Kolb into the game killed Celek and Maclin’s value, but really, they weren’t going to save his team. Now Cheeseheads:
Tom Brady, Marques Colston, Donald Driver, Chris Johnson, Brandon Jacobs, Jermichael Finley, Eddie Royal, Sebastian Janikowski, Ravens defense
Admittedly not a bad line-up, but he was facing Feisty and she has a bear trap for a vagina, so you better come prepared with fresh salmon to distract her. Also, Tom Brady played like a cunt of a man Monday night (so his stats say), and that didn’t help things at all either. Either way, add your criticisms in the comments, and maybe they’ll learn to win! And props to Visanthe for sticking around despite his 0-4 record. It can’t be easy.
Upcoming! Week five has enough titillating match ups to make your boner leave a premature wet spot on your sweat pants. For you ladies, it’s exciting enough to increase the temperature of your crotch region by at least 17 degrees. Crocs v. Feisty looks to be a good match up, as Crocs has scored only 20 less points than Feisty all season, yet sits at 2-2. Is this the week she finally learns to go down?! Parole Models is also looking to get back to a winning record after her come back attempt against me fell just short this week. Yes, a man DID beat a woman, and despite Parole’s trash talking on Twitter all week long, I have decided to let it rest out of being a good sport. What, don’t like it? Fucking follow ME and HER on Twitter then and you’ll get to see the slap fighting. Back off.
Good luck to the rest of you losers, as I’m sure you’ll need it. PJD FUCKING OUT.