Ahhhhh FLAP JACKS! More of this crappy league update? You bet your sweet mammaries there are more updates! And why? BECAUSE I AM 2-0 MUFFIN EATER! Which is undoubtedly not going to last, so I am going to enjoy it as much as I can.
As we did last week, we will take you four people of interest through the innagural PJD Fantasy Football League bringing you the highs, the lows, the unbelievable turn of events, and poke fun and people who suck. Naturally, that’s fun for everyone. ON TO THE LOSERS!
Just a couple of barn burners: Clearly, as you can see, PJD’s team Mel Gibson had the most impressive win of the week. Why? Because Visanthe my Shiancoe forgot to add in a kicker. Would a kicker have made up the difference that is a strong pimp hand across his fantasy team? No, unless you took the cumulative statistics of Gary Anderson and added them to one week, but clearly that is against the rules and I run a tight ship around here. The most panty wetting game of the week though belonged to Feisty Fingers and Wilfs’ Stache. This game went down to the GOD DAMN WIRE, where FF was sitting at 65 total points going into Monday night where WS had Drew Brees AND Reggie CuntFace playing. He was down 18 point though … could those two actually make that up? Well, jokes on him because no, no they couldn’t, but I feel a large part of that had to do with Reggie Bush being an asshole and breaking his own leg. Hilarious. That secured FF’s one point win and dropped WS to 0-2 on the season despite an interesting fact ….
Let’s take a look at these point totals quick: That son of a bitch Wilf’s Stache has the third most points scored this young fantasy season, and what does he have to show for it? Nothing! Part of it is due to match ups, but part of it is due to the fact that in week one he faced Arian Foster and in week two it was Aaron Rodgers and his 16 fantasy points. Also … Feisty Fingers just has an amazing team, and it absolutely kills me to say that. Why? Mainly because she’s a woman, and we all look like a bunch of idiot dudes walking around with our dick in our hand because she came in, auto drafted her team, has only made two roster moves, and sits atop the division counter to her other female manager Parole Models as the leaders of the pack. NOW. PJD is sitting 2-0 as well with Feisty, but let’s be serious here. I suck at fantasy football and will be lucky to end 2-14, or however many games there are. On the flip side of this, the cock bag that was making fun of everyone’s draft on draft night, Ass Virginity Counts, has accumulated an impressive 83 points in two weeks. What? That’s the lowest points out of anyone? Oh. It is. Maybe you should keep that Bieber Twitter avatar, then.
You are the best bench manager! While it probably wouldn’t have mattered in the end, this week’s bench manager award of incompetence goes to Visanthe my Shiancoe for a couple of reasons. First, he forgot to add a kicker to his starters, which is seriously like the easiest eight points you’ll ever get. Secondly, as a Vikings fan he was clearly too scared to start Jay Cutler over Tony Homo, despite the fact that CutlerFuck has been outperforming Homo all season, this week scoring seven more points. Would he have still lost? Of course, HE WAS PLAYING ME!!!, but it would have helped make the sting hurt worse, like all of those Detroit Lion moral victories when they score more than 17 points. It’s kind of a big deal. It shows signs of progress, you know.
Wait, Vikings blog … how’d the Vikings do? Since this is a Vikings blog, I feel like maybe I should mention some Vikings PLAYERS, not that they are the ones that helped any of these fantasy teams win this week, though. Well, again, except for me. Notably, Adrian Peterson was the only player worth a flying biscuit, wracking up 12 fantasy points this week for my squad. Brett Favre was more disappointing than a clothed Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, as he continued his level of suck by offering The Rose Gardeners only 2 points. I know, we don’t even penalize for interceptions, is the funny part. Shanko had three points to offer to my win, which is minimally acceptable as he really is the only passing option for the Vikings, and even Percy only had a single point in our league. I’d like to say this will all get better folks, but … well. You read the blog. It won’t.
Looking forward: Next week is looking to get all sexy again. It’ll be Purple Jesus Diaries versus The Gally Blog as Mel Gibson and Roses square off in the most epic pillow fight imaginable. We’ve already discussed some kind of contest between us, either an avatar bet or a guest post or something on the respective site of the winner … Or however that works … but we’re open to suggestions in the comments as well. He’ll also be the next greatest chance to offer me a fat loss. Can he pull it off?!? Hopefully he wins fantasy games as well as he locks down the fembots. The divisions will start to clear up a bit as well, as Visanthe my Shiancoe is chancing falling to 0-3 already unless he can knock off the vaginal powerhouse that IS Feisty Fingers. I have a feeling she won’t go down lightly ….
Until next week, spend your time being offensive in the comments!