Fat Albert Wants to Play with the Fattest

Even during the NFL off-season, the rumor cake keeps getting piled higher with frosting.

Over the weekend, new editor for ESPN 1500 website in the Twin Cities, Tom Pel …Pelis … Pelissero? Is that right? … Well, he reported that a notable plump caboose defensive tackle, Albert Haynesworth, apparently still has interest in the joining the cookie jar club called the Minnesota Vikings through some type of sign and trade and eat and nap, then eat again..

The prospect sounds especially tasty for Vikings fans as their favorite muffin eaters, sisters Pat and Kevin Williams, are allegedly going to be suspended for the first four games of the regular season because they just couldn’t control their sweet tooth, even though the NFL thinks they did through a banned substance. That substance? CORN SYRUP. In addition – lots of tasty additions – Pat Williams is also more than likely retiring to that big Gum Drop in the sky after the 2010 season, potentially leaving the Vikings with a gap on the defensive line that only a Whopper could fill.

Could Albert Haynesworth to the Vikings make sense? Sure it could. Rumors before the draft had the Viking salivating over a potential swap for the hefty tackle for as high as a second round pick and as little as a restocking of the vending machine. Of course, this was before the grumbling from the suspension tummy made its appearance, and depth behind the Williams ginger bread Wall now looks achingly thing. Trading for Haynesworth would bolster a unit immediately with the Williams Wall in crumbles, and would provide the most exquisite of dense, chocolate love in the middle of the plate for many meals. … Uh, of course, I mean there’d be two really good black guys holding down the defensive tackle position for years to come in Kevin Williams and Fat Albert.

Of course, none of this will happen, and Vikings fans will leave their chairs without any sticky fingers. If you’re trying to understand “why?” through your hunger pangs, look no further than the head coach. Unless Childress starts adding some weight like Andy Reid, he’ll never be able to live up to such an insatiable appetite for success. Albert Haynesworth clearly has it. So does Pat Williams. Even Jessica Simpson realizes this now-a-days. Childress? He likes lean meat, like chicken, especially at outside linebacker. /whitejokes.

So while it’s fun to think about, PJD is here to tell you that there is zero chance of putting that cherry on the top of your off-season sundae. Haynesworth would definitely be worth the price of dessert, especially since trading for him now would essentially be like having someone else buy it for you at a restaurant (since he’s already been paid most of his bonus), but when you get Fat Albert you may be getting a chocolate bundt cake … or a cinnamon babka, if you catch my meaning. Just too unpredictable.

Now, if only we could track down some food analogies for Jared Gaither

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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