Favre “100%” Not Coming Back?? Says Who?!

It seems like ages ago now that Brett Favre bruised his hamstring and ankle up in an epic NFC Championship game in New Orleans. Yet news from that fateful post game locker room chatter has started to leak out into the public’s consciousness recently. Renowned, most lofty, old pastry smelling NFL writer over at SI.com, Peter King, wrote in his Monday Morning Quarterback column this week that an unnamed player told Peter that Brett Favre muttered these words to him soon after the game:

“I’m 100 percent positive I’ll never put on pads again in my life.”

Could those words have been said in the heat of the moment? Is Favre really not coming back to the Vikings? And who could have possible said such a thing to Brett? Amazingly, PJD was able to track down the anonymous player through our amazing and truly reliable sources and we’ve obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with him, after the jump of course … Although he was just a rookie, Vikings WR Percy Harvin became one of Brett Favre’s favorite targets during the 2009 season. Harvin was reliable and smart, qualities Favre appreciated in his receivers (fuck you, Ban). It was Harvin who came to us and told us the story about Favre being so sure he would never again put on pads, and here to recount the story in his own words – totally his and so totally not ours – is Percy Harvin: “Uh, yes sir, it was Mr. Brett indeed who came to me soon after the season ended in, uh … New Orleans and told me that he was 100 percent positive he’ll never put pads on again in his life. I, uh, told him I was thankful to hear that. See, me and, uh, Mr. Brett had a real nice relationship all season long. I really, uh … looked up to him as a mentor, kind of a, uh, a father figure for what he did for all of us younger guys out on the field, trying to make our way. But I told him, I, uh, said, uh, ‘Mr. Brett, I’m glad to hear you be saying this because I always thought of you as a father figure’ I said and uh, finished with ‘but I ain’t never seen you as no grandfather figure’ and he knew what I meant. He understood. He saw it was, uh, it was time for him to take the pads off, to, uh, put them big boy pants on like the rest of us, and stop wearing old man diapers. “Yeah, he was, uh, wearing diapers all season long, you see. We all made fun of him for it, too. Even, uh, Shiancoe, who just looks like he’s wearing a diaper all of the, uh, time because he has to wrap his di … I mean, uh, his male genital around his backside so it don’t bother him when he, uh, running down the field. But Mr. Brett? He would just always be, uh, for a lack of a better word, shitting himself, ‘scuse my French, out on the field. And I told him too, I said, uh, ‘Mr. Brett, I understand. Look at this offensive line! I’d be pretty fearful myself, sir.’ So he just, uh, kept on wearing them diapers. It kept his, uh, white pants pretty clean, I guess. That’s also why I got him to sing that, uh, ‘Pants on the Ground’ song. It was kind of a, uh, inside joke, like ‘Damn, old man! I don’t want to see your old man ass! Put a diaper on!’ Stuff like that. “So when it finally came to the point after the season when, uh, he finally called me up one day and said, ‘Hey old yeller Percy’ or however he, uh, talks, he said, ‘I just wanted ta tellaya thatta I finally took them thar diapers offa mahself anda am gonna send ya’ll somma dem big boya pants real soon!’ That’s when he, uh, sent all of us those Wranglers, ya know. After I got them, I called up Mr. King and said to him FUCK YEAH YOU BETTER BELIEVE THAT BRETT 100 PERCENT AIN’T GOING TO EVER PUT THEM PADS ON AGAIN EVER IN HIS WRINKLE BALLED LIFE, YOU COCK TASTER AND IF YOU EVER GET NEAR HIM I WILL MAKE YOU FUCK A REAL LIVE WOMAN PUSSY I SWEAR TO GOD, YOU FAT SHIT, IT IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT YOU TRIED TO MOLEST HIM THE NIGHT BEFORE THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME AND WE LOST I WILL RAPE YOUR CORPSES SKULL IF YOU PULL THAT SHIT AGAIN. “And I, uh, guess that Mr. King just ran with that story finally. But that’s, uh, what really happened, and I’m going to, uh, stick by my story.”

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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