Favre Retires? Childress Confident? Players Frightened? Fans Suicidal? Awesome Sauce.

The internet was a flurry yesterday with the news that Brett Favre has finally decided to retire. First reported by straight faced Judd Zulgad of the Star Tribune, the story quickly spun out of control. ESPN set their “best” reporters on the case to try and confirm the story, while they simultaneously showed highlight reels of the famed quarterback like it was his eulogy. As training camp continued for the Vikings in Mankato, coaches and players alike were confronted with the news. Many were asked to confirm if they had received an ambiguous text message from Favre simply stating “This is it”, somehow not referring to the recent Michael Jackson movie. Few players acknowledged this, many other saying they have heard nothing directly from Favre.

As the day passed, conflicting reports emerged from family, friends, and teammates. Some were convinced he would hang up the orthopedic cleats once and for all, some crossed their pants strings in hopes that he would still be playing on September 9th. Others, like Brad Childress, remained calm and collected however in the face of adversity by remaining confident in what he has built and proud of his future.

“If we have to move forward with the quarterbacks that we have on our roster, we will.” Childress said, while helping a cucumber cool down. “I remain extremely confident if Favre decides not to come back, because we have a very capable starter in Tarvaris Jackson.”

“No, really.”

While it may be understandable for the head figure of a football team to put on a brave face when trouble is on the horizon, many find it hard to take Coach Childress’ confidence at face value in light of this potential news. Vegas odds makers have already dropped the Vikings chances of making the Super Bowl 50% with the news of Favre’s retirement, and that smacking sound you hear in the distance is most likely coming from a young, fertile, and excited defense in Green Bay, which has all of a sudden become a division favorite. None of this appears to ruffle any coaching feathers though.

“Am I worried about it? No, I’m not worried about it” Childress said as he wetted Billy Dee Williams’ brow with a moist toilette. “We prepare every single guy on our team as if they are going to be the starter. They all understand that the player positions, the competition, and their starter spots are fluid. There’s no guarantees in life, except for one. Which is that? That my pillow never warms during the most humid of summer nights.”

However, many remain skeptical. Can this head coach really be this confident in the monster he has created at quarterback? Can he genuinely look at a roster full of Tarvaris Jackson, Sage Rosenfels, and a rookie wide receiver quarterback Joe Webb and feel his team is prepared to return to the NFC Championship Game?

“He’s fucking high, man, higher than me” said Percy Harvin, who was reached late Tuesday night by phone, hysterical. “I can’t be doing this, man, I can’t FUCKING BE DOING THIS. First there’s the death in my family, and then this … it’s like FAVRE DIED man, it’s like HE DIED. HE’S GONE HE’S NEVER GOING TO RETURN AND WE’RE STUCK WITH A RETARD AT QUARTERBACK. Oh god ……… ohgodohgodohgod … Where is Tebow? Sweet Jesus, I need Tebow. GETMETEBOW!!!”

While others shared Harvin’s emotional sentiment, many expressed their feelings in different ways. For Visanthe Shiancoe, it stoic defiance. “He wants to retire on us?” He said, while waving his beating stick in a circle, hands free. “So be it. He better not try to do any armadillo hunting around my ‘hood though, otherwise my crew will bludgeon his ass to death. Flaccid and gray or hard and chocolate? I’ll let you figure out who wins.”

Others, like Vikings superstar Adrian Peterson, took a more realistic approach to the news. “Look, let’s face the facts. We’re in trouble without Favre” he said while looking over his shoulder at the practice field. In the distance, the quarterbacks at training camp were tossing Nerf footballs into the stands. Most, however, landed in the first row, despite an Olympic hurler’s wind up. Brian Robison, standing nearby, just shook his head. Peterson continued. “With him, I’m pretty sure we win the Super Bowl. Without him? … 10-6? Maybe? 8-8? Let’s not kid ourselves. I can’t run, block, catch, AND pass all on one down. I’m not even sure if that’s legal. I mean, I guess I’ll have to try now but … Damn. We’re all praying for your return, Brett. I’ll even give you my last jar of that jaaaaaaammm.”

Despite the whirlwind of emotions, several players respected Childress’ confidence. Said Jim Kleinsasser, “I think it’s great Childress is so confident in the group he already has at training camp. I mean, I think it’s really cute that the Vikings let a retard run the team. I’m really proud that I work for an organization that is equal opportunity like that. This is like some Make a Wish set up, right?”

When approached about the news, Tarvaris Jackson was all smiles. Apparently he was excited to be able to finally show the team, and the fans, why Coach Childress wears a white shirt at a spaghetti dinner. That is, Jackson was until he was actually told what the news was.

“Wait, I’m startin’? What happen’d ta Sage? He be tha white dood. Ah man, we be in bubble troubble now.”


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.