Feeling up your Draft Picks 2010: Mickey Shuler

With the 2010 NFL Draft officially in the books, it is now time to sit the new fresh meat down and POUND them for info on who the hell you are exactly. Today, we continue with the first of the Vikings two seventh round picks, former Penn State TE Mickey Shuler

25 POUNDS BITCH!!!

Name: Mickey Shuler. He’s apparently the son former NFL star (NOTE: May not have ever been a “star”) Mickey Shuler, Sr., who was also a tight end. Strong blood lines?!? … Well, let’s just say I’d be happier if his last name was “Shula” instead of “Shuler”, because then that’d maybe mean we had drafted Mickey on the potential that he has Super Bowl winning coach pedigree. As it is now, he’s a weird looking guy that is going to challenge the SHIT out of Garrett Mills. YES! /airguitar!

Measurables: At six foot four inches tall, Mickey is taller than your average American black bear, which actually only stands three feet on all fours. Not that impressive, bear. Shuler, on the other hand, is tall and strong as an ox. However, I’m not bothering to look up how strong an average ox is, so you’ll just have to take my word for this one. IT’S ALL TRUE!!

Three smiles: Soooo … what’s good about Mickey, here, what’s good. Well. He is a big guy that can block, and we all know that Coach Childress loves blocking tight ends to protect his quarterbacks, especially when his left tackle is getting murdered by the speed rush on the outsi … oh, uh, well, I mean at least now, if Shuler makes the team, the Vikings will have an additional tight end to help in pass protection when Jimmy Kliensausage finally retires or is too winded from eating bratwursts on the sidelines to actually come in and play. You win, Shuler!

No smiles: Holy Christ, where to begin. Let’s keep this simple. Here’s what Shuler’s profile says about him on the Vikings.com’s own website:

He oozes off the line and lacks explosiveness when coming out of his breaks which makes it difficult to separate from defenders. He lacks much in the way of elusiveness when running after the catch. His best chance is as a No. 2 or 3 tight end that is used primarily as a second blocker.

I don’t want to speculate what it means to “ooze” off the line, but if we’re all being honest and open with each other here, that sounds like the type of shit that I could totally get in to. “Hey baby, I’m totally oozing off of this line for you”. It sounds like a premature ejac joke, which wouldn’t be too far off. Anyway, Shuler sounds most effective as a stone wall that will, at best, stop a rushing defensive end’s pass rush for all of .09 seconds, which to me, personally, doesn’t seem worth a roster spot or a draft pick, but hey … what do I know.

Does he do anything for anyone anywhere ever? No one. His dad is rumored to not even like him as a football player (I’m sure he’s a wonderful son and human being though). The only person that I can think of that Shuler did anything for was Childress or Spielman, and god dammit, the more and more I think about it the more and more I am starting to hate you two asshats. MAKE A GOOD LATE ROUND DRAFT PICK, YOU FUCKS.

Seriously, why are we drafting kids like this? Depth? Competition? Major LULZ? I don’t know. He’s an extra body in training camp and could potentially make the practice squad if there is any room left. Hey, he’s a tall kid that weighs 50 pounds less than an offensive linemen. Keep him around just in case? Sure. Will he ever play a meaningful snap in the NFL? Not on my team, dammit.

How many times has he heard this one before? I am betting lots. It’s funny because they’re singing his name in an annoying fashion.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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