With the 2010 NFL Draft officially in the books, it is now time to sit the new fresh meat down and POUND them for info on who the hell you are exactly. Today, we continue with the Vikings second selection in the draft, former Stanford RB Toby Gerhart …
Name: Toby Gerhart. White Lightning. Ivory. The Polar Express. Any of these will work. Toby? I’m pretty sure that’s a dogs name, but this kid ain’t no dog. He’s a burly white dude that runs like a majestic rhino hunting down his prey looking for some way to horn someone in the ass. Pretty sure that’s what I was watching in that highlight video, right? Yeah, I think the racist Vikings fans are going to fall in love with guy, but I swear to god … if it’s at Purple Jesus’ expense I will cock punch some of you.
Measurables: This kid is like a little cue ball rolling around full speed on a pool table. He’s a clean six foot, 230 FUCKING POUNDS though. If he was any shorter and black, he’d be the white LenWhale White … wait … I just realized how ironic that is because of LenDale’s last name. Whatever. He’s not just a bull dozer though, as he also clocked his 40 dash at 4.53 seconds. Fast? Sure. Hulking? You bet. Funny looking head like Peyton Manning? Take a look, sweet cheeks.
Three smiles: White Lightning is a nice running back. He’s big, he’s powerful, and HURRAY HE’S WHITE!! No, but really, the kid is a work horse and he can easily be a reliable running back if, God forbid, PJ were to ever go down. He’s alleged to be an excellent pass blocker – he mo’ definitely has the size to pop a linebacker in the FUPA – and that was clearly something the Vikings were looking for after they lost Chet Taylor in the offseason. Also, he was the Heisman runner up, which has to stand for something, right? Anyone? … Anyway, as a rookie, WL should be able to step in and spell PJ when needed, wear people down in the fourth quarters, protect the quarterback and maybe even catch a pass or two out of the backfield. Oh, and he’ll nail AT LEAST three cheerleaders on the squad as a rookie, guaranteed.
No smiles: WHY THE HELL DID WE JUST MOVE UP TO DRAFT A RUNNING BACK? The only thing that bothers me about this pick is the pick itself. Do I mind White Lightning on the team? No. Do I mind that they traded their third round pick to move up and pick him? You know what? Yeah, I kind of fucking do. Because let’s be honest here, you could have Barry Sanders behind this offensive line and he’d still suck fat smegma cock. The running back wasn’t the problem, dicks, it was the midget of a center and retarded right guard that stopped people from getting any yards. The rookie guard the Vikings drafted isn’t going to fix this (more on him later this week), and a running back like WL or someone similar could have still be had without moving up. FUCKING MORONS.
How he’ll fit in: Well, he clearly becomes the number two running back behind Purple Jesus. As stated, he essentially becomes Chet Taylor in this offense, but not quite Chet Taylor. What do I mean by that? … Uh … I’m not quite sure. He doesn’t have as much wiggle? I always had the feeling that Taylor had more shiftiness in his moves, but Jesus … when you lightning strike jack offs who are trying to tackle you, why move out of the way? As much as I didn’t like moving up for White Lightning, I have a secret broner for this kid in this offense. Ok … let’s say the offensive line decides to stop fingering their crap holes and learns how to run block like the Jets this season. HOLY FUCK. They are going to absolutely kill people. Peterson is going to run it down their throats for three quarters, than Gerhart is going to put a boot in their ass in the fourth while PJ and Harvin blunt it on the sidelines. Shit is going to be awesome.
Which Vikings is pissed about this selection? I don’t know, because all the other running backs are like practical jokes on this roster now. Albert Young I bet is the most upset. Dude was jacked up to be one salty foreskin injury away from a starting job in the NFL, but now he’s back to being deactivated on Sundays or busting wedges on special teams. That sucks. Also, Reynaud has got to be thinking now that he probably doesn’t have a roster spot, HOWEVA … I wouldn’t be upset if Reynaud was kept as a scat back type guy with Harvin in the backfield and WL and PJ remained as the team’s battering rams. Something to think about, but I promise the most pissed off guy throughout all of this is still that cunt Ray Edwards. I don’t know why he would be, but you know he’s still bitching somewhere.
Why I like this pick: I’m pretty sure I’ve stated why several times here. Despite moving up, despite a running back not appearing to be as glaring of a need as other positions, I still enjoy this pick, and for one big reason: If Peterson goes down the Vikings still have a legitimate NFL looking running back to use. I say looking, because he hasn’t ran against an NFL defense yet, so who really knows, but come on … He’s like John Riggins and Rick Fenney all rolled into one! And he’s white! Minnesotan’s love white people! This will go over swell.
So what are your feelings on White Lightning? Good pick? Bad pick? Good pick, bad move up? Feeling good about white guys? Put it in the comments.