Hm? Oh, EJ is Actually Fine



It was an ugly night for the Vikings last December in Arizona. Not only did the Cardinals embarass the Vikings on national tv, but the Vikings very own Jamarca Sanford uncerimoniously produced one of the most gruesome injustices of our time, right after Heidi Montag got an acting job, when he Hindenberged Vikings linebacker EJ Henderson’s femur.

After the dust settled and the barrels of blood and plasma had been cleared from the field, both from EJ’s leg and the remaining Vikings players’ anuses, the Vikings were left with a gaping wound in their linebacking core (and rectums, of course) with doubts as to whether their defensive captain EJ would ever be able to play football again.

This past Tuesdayhowever, the skies in EJ Henderson’s world looked just a bit brighter.

Appearing for the first time publicly since having a human land mine thrown at his leg, Henderson spoke to reporters about the amazing recovery he’s been going through this offseason. While many pundits felt EJ was a shoe in to sit out most, if not all, of the 2010 season, EJ had surprising news this week.

“Oh, I’m totally fine already” he said as he did one legged squat on his previously injured leg with hysterical children hanging from his back and balancing a spoon on his nose. “It feels like I was never even injured.”

These are remarkable words coming from a man that was carted off the field back in December and who many thought would die that night. But EJ has a history of surprising.

“Oh, this little bump was nothing” he said as he was eating nails for lunch. “When I was a kid I accidentally ran into the road after a ball and a bus hit me. I feel worse for the bus though.”

Indeed. After a season of heartbreak for the Vikings, both in losing players like EJ Henderson and Cedric Griffin to injury, it’s a relief to hear of such wonderful, and surprising, recovery.

“People always come up to me and ask, ‘Oh EJ! Your injury must have been so horrible! How will you ever be able to live with yourself again! Don’t you just think about suicide all the time because there’s no way for you to come back from this?’ And I tell them, yeah, the injury that was Brett Favre throwing that interception seriously made me consider taking an extra coupl of pills, but I’m better than that. Then I ask them if that’s what they meant or if they were talking about my three-day leg injury. Idiots.”

During his off time for recovery, it’s fair to say EJ has a new perspective on life, football, and his teammates.

“I just look at it like this; you can either have your leg shattered and die on the field or you can get leukemia and not act like a bitch. Let’s just say I wanted to be Kenechi Udeze and not a Cedric Griffin out on the field.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find Jamarca and ‘thank’ him for this new outlook on life.”

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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