I Also Feel Slighted Like Cullen Loeffler

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/loeffler1.jpg

Minnesota Vikings long snapper Cullen Loeffler finally was given the prominence he felt he so rightly deserved in Madden Football video games the other day, but it wasn’t quite like he imagined. Instead of finally being placed in the video game digitally as a critical piece to the Vikings 53 man roster by the video game producer EA Sports, Loeffler was instead prominently featured in an article local video game magazine Game Informer did on him and the obvious slight EA Sports has been giving Loeffler since they turned into the dominant licensed football video game producers.

If this article has shown anything, however, it’s that even the smallest of people on a team or part of an organization need to be recognized and respected. That is why, after Loeffler’s noble plight, PJD has taken it upon ourselves to provide a list of other notable Viking people, places, and things that need to be respected digitally and placed in the next Madden video game …

The list is as follows:

- Paul Allen needs to be placed digitally into the game and offer his voice to every call of the game so we can hear all of the “NOOOOOO”s and such that he can provide. Also, if you earn special Madden tokens you may be eligible to unlock the hidden Jeff Dubay character that will provide voice over for Fan Line after the game, while you look at all of your stats. Drug references will be optional.

- Everyone’s favorite drug addled, wide-eyed mascot VIKTOR the VIKING needs to be in the game, outfitted with his take-along cocaine kit and perhaps a lecherous glare that will always be seen ogling cheerleaders.

- Zygi Wilf should be shown the upmost respect as a team owner and be given digital representation as well, down to the exact length of his nose. Also, if you look closely you will be able to see him bending over on the sidelines picking up lost pennies.

- For this year at least, an update patch needs to be sent out that will replace Sidney Rice on the sidelines in full street clothing regale, crutches, and a cast on his hip that makes it look like he has another head growing out of his body.

- EA Sports needs to correct the terrible oversight given to team reporters, INCLUDING BLOGGERS LIKE MYSELF, by having a digital representation of me, with my shirt off and muscles glistening, in a private suite with Deanna Favre giving me a knob job, a never ending glass of scotch, and m trusty laptop nearby so I can write the dick jokes in the video game AS THEY HAPPEN. How could that not make a better game?

With these simple moves EA could appease many, many people and produce the most thorough and satisfactory video game in the history of video games. Metal Gear Solid 4? Get the fuck outta here with that lazy shit. Digital knob jobs is where it’s at.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

Quantcast