It Appears I Have Left you Shaken, Mr. Kahn

Somewhere in a dark, damp pole barn in the depths of Hattiesburg, Mississippi, a shadowy figure dials a 612 number into a cell phone …

*Ring-ring* …… *Ring-ring* ….

Mr. Kahn, how are ya today? Thanks for takin’ my call. I’m sure yer pretty busy today with all sorts of wheelin’ and dealin’, or as we say down here in Mississippi, batin’ and rapin’. I don’t know if ya remember or not but we had spoken almost a year ago today about me bein’ flippin’ outraged with yer attempts to upstage me by creatin’ quite the fervor in those Twin Cities around yer little bouncy ball team. I’m sure ya haven’t forgotten? …. No, I’m not from Leaning Tower of Pizza … What the hell is that, some stupid play on words? … Dammit, Kahn, this is Brett Favre, don’t ya remember our talk? I told ya if ya ever try to upstage me again I’d hunt ya down with my shotgun and give you a new asshole! … Nothin’? Seriously? Ok, listen, it doesn’t matter. I just wanted to call and say that, despite my efforts this year to preempt yer actions to whore up that spot light, I must apologize.
Why? Because ya clearly had heeded my advice of not tryin’ to overshadow me with such a shitty team draft.
Honestly, little buddy, I have no idea what sport ya guys are trying to play up there. Is it women’s basketball? … No? Oh. I thought that was why that arena always only had 200 people in it. My mistake. Do ya want to talk to my daughter Brittnay about playing? She’s a really talented athlete and would fit in great with that other big guy you had that likes to sip and cruise.

Proud mother

We just call that a Tuesday night ’round here!
But really, Kahn, I can’t thank ya enough. I admit that I acted childishly by contactin’ a local newspaper yesterday before ya played yer little pick and choose game. It was obviously done in an attempt to make sure that Minnesota people still realized I had them by the balls, and that any team I played for was the only team that they should be payin’ attention to. But clearly, ya seem to agree with me as ya went ahead and drafted players that weren’t the best available, made senseless trades with valuable assets to infuriate the masses, and added too much depth to a position that ya thought needed “filling”. This is classic, buddy! Yer too much. Yer plan is flawless. I can’t get any Minnesota radio stations on my AM dial down here in the pole barn, but I’m betting that they’re rollin’ their fat stomachs around furiously just anxiously awaitin’ football season to come around again. Just as I would hope they would do.
Seriously, I can’t thank ya enough. I know ya have to walk a thin line between doin’ yer job and lookin’ like an ass clown, but obviously ya know who is most important in those there cities. It’s Favre-time, baby! I think I’ll let ya go ahead and toy with fans a bit more by doing some questionable trades with other valuable assets ya have through most of July, then I’ll swoop in like a hero and save their sports minds around mid to late August. Try not to do anything successful by then, but … hey! Look who I’m talkin’ to, right?! I don’t think we got to worry about that.
Then I promise, Mr. Kahn, I’ll retire after this year and ya can bring over yer little Spanish meat stick and take the city by storm if ya like. I don’t care. I’ll be back here in Mississippi sippin’ Jack and gettin’ blowies from the Missus while I examine my new Super Bowl ring. I gotta say, my life is pretty awesome.
Thanks again though, buddy, and good luck tryin’ to not get fired. If ya have any trouble, send ‘em my way. Take care.
*Click*
PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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