“Hello Vikings fans, it’s your most favorite Vikings receiver ever with you toda… No, it’s Cris Carter, not Randy Moss. Why would Moss be here? He’s still skilled enough to be playing football, unlike me. Anyway, you got me off track, but I’m here today to talk to you about a great travesty that has recently hit our wonderful sporting community, and that of course is one of the greatest receivers of all time being over looked in this year’s Hall of Fame voting for a defensive player. Not to be a smug asshole or anything here fans, but in the words of my friend Keyshawn Johnson, COME ON MAN!! How does that happen??
“Friends, we can’t let the voters get away with his. Let’s be honest. It’s great news that former Viking John Randle was voted into the Hall of Fame this year. He’s a great player and I guess an ok defensive linemen in his day, but no one really votes in a defensive player to the Hall because they think he’s deserving. They do it because they feel bad for them, like when a red headed kid is given an award in Cub Scouts for the hillbilly pine wood derby car he created. Rule of thumb; if you are voting between a defensive player and, let’s just randomly say a wide receiver, for a Hall of Fame selection, you ALWAYS pick the offensive player. ALWAYS. It’s not even a question. And as a former offensive player myself, a pretty decent one too I might add, I find it embarrassing to see offensive players overlooked like this. You know who they should have selected instead? That number 80 guy from the Eagles in the late 1980s, that’s who!
“Now, some of you may try to stop me and say “Hey Cris, let’s chillax for a sec bro and not get all Cris Cross crazy, mmkay? There were offensive players selected to the Hall this year, broman!” Well, technically that’s true, but there are no technicalities in football, man, there are only literalities, and literally there was another offensive player that was deserving of a Hall vote before John Randle! Yeah, Jerry Rice made it in and I guess he was an ok receiver. I mean, he totally tarnished his reputation by signing with other teams after his 49er days, which was most embarrassing. And yeah, Emmitt Smith received his selection as well, but let me just say “Arizona” and I think we all know where we stand with that Emmitt guy! The fact that these two clowns were voted into the Hall of Fame after they stabbed their teams in the back is a joke, to be honest, especially when there were other offensive players out there, even receivers I think, that were much more deserving. In fact there was some guy that wore 88 for a season in Miami that was simply outstanding. Should’ve been a first ballot Hall of Famer, no question.
“But for some of these guys standing on the outside looking in at that Hall of Fame crib, you’ll just have to wait. Not everyone will get in that has played in the NFL obviously, especially average defensive players, but if you’re deserving of consideration you’ll be deserving of a bronzed bust, and at this point, right now, at this moment, in time and space, I can only think of one other player that was much more deserving of a Hall vote than these other quack jobs that got in this year, and that was a little receiver that wore number 80 for the Vikings a few years ago! But I’m not going to turn that guy into a whiner, or a martyr, or even questionably inflate his numbers or overstate the impact he did or didn’t have in the NFL once that Moss guy came around. No, this guy knows how deserving he is of a Hall vote above others, and like with everything else he’s ever done in his life, he’s going to handle this snub with dignity and respect.
“But if it’s me? … I would’ve voted him in.”