Mark This as an Official Request

*knock knock*

Purple Jesus: Hey Steve, you got a minute?

Steve LaCroix: Oh hey PJ! Yeah, you know my door is always open for you. Come on in! What’s up, what can I do for you? You feeling ok? Need some new cleats or anything? Is Phil Mackey still a nonbeliever? Is that bothering you? Talk to me.

PJ: No, no, my equipment and endorsement deals with Heaven right now are fine and Mackey will get his, you just wait. I just … I have kind of a complaint I guess, or maybe more of a concern and I wasn’t sure who I could turn to. It’s something to do with how the team is sometimes viewed, so I figured that you were the best option. Would this be something you would look at?

SL: Well, yeah, sure. As Vice President of Sales and Marketing I’m concerned with any issue that makes this team unattractive to our constituents, community and fans. Has there been an issue that needs attention? Was Tarvaris caught on the playground again with just a trench coat? Did Percy murder someone again? Is Phil Mackey writing you mail wishing you were Chris Johnson?

PJ: What? No, well … yes, but that’s not the issue. It’s actually something much worse. I’ve really been thinking about this and with the team doing so well this year, being so close to a Super Bowl and NFL superiority, I feel we really need to intimidate opponents and project a tough nose attitude. I mean, we’re Vikings for Dad’s sake! We need to be badasses. But something isn’t working. Mainly, him …

PJ: I mean, are we serious with Ragnar?! We couldn’t find a Vikings mascot that had maybe a six pack instead of a keg? And his damn cheerleading routine?! It gets me so furious I’ve often thought about leaving formation during an offensive play and going over to him, shoving his horn so far up his ass that you can blow it through his mouth and burning his bike in front of his beady little eyes. I know I shouldn’t want to do that, Dad wouldn’t be happy, but this guy is just such a train wreck. Can we not do anything about him?

SL: Well, I see what you mean. His antics are a bit unorthodox and at times certainly don’t project the tough and winning attitude that the team is now trying to project. There was a time when Ragnar was almost a perfect representation of the Minnesota Vikings. Lazy, balding, fumbling, overweight, slow, slightly homoerotic … Well … we still have some of those issues, Mr. Fumbler, but I see your point. It’s a difficult issue here, kind of tricky due to his longevity. The kids really like him too. Actually no, they’re scared of him. Say, PJ, what would you do?

PJ: What would I do? I’d put his head on a pike and have that motivate us before we run out of the tunnel for the playoff game. That would probably look bad though. Ask what would my Dad do? He’d probably say that if this guy is really pussifying the team, yet has been a dedicated member of the organization for an extended period of time, that you should transition his position. People do it all the time I guess in shit real jobs. I don’t know, maybe even you did that as you moved from a sales bitch to a desk blow job jockey to a VP. Maybe we could find something new for Ragnar to do, maybe somewhere where he wouldn’t be in the public eye as much?

SL: Yeah, yeah … I think I know where you’re heading here, I like your thought process, you’ve a good start here. Hey, I think I got an idea …


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.