Metrodome Gets Cosmetic Changes, Still Sucks Hard

 Judd Zulgad did a pretty in depth write up earlier this week concerning the changes that have been made recently to the Metrodome to turn the venue from a smorgasbord of a sporting spot into a covered Vikings ship that is now charmingly mediocre. Because let’s be honest, while you may name the field “Mall of America Field” or paint some posts the color purple, it still feels like you’re watching a football game in a tomb, and when you get high enough, I swear to god there are cloud formations. Regardless, the Metro Sports Commission is trying to faux cup the Vikings’ balls by making these changes, which include:

The work this summer includes installation of new turf (FieldTurf is being replaced by Sportexe turf) at a cost of $495,000; building an exclusive gathering place known as the Gridiron Club that is being put in on the upper level of the west side where the Twins had their offices ($700,000); fashioning a new Vikings ticket office where the Twins had theirs ($115,000); and an expansion of the Vikings Lounge that will see the elimination of the team’s old ticket office ($25,000).

Boo. These are boring. Want to make the Metrodome an awesome place to play that would also make the Vikings want to re-up just to stay there? Read these selections after the jump and make sure to leave your ideas in the comments. WE CAN CHANGE THE DOME TOGETHER or probably not, but that seems catchy enough to encourage participation. Anyway … 1. Every game needs to have something draped over the chairs for the fans, so they feel like they’re getting free shit all the time, even though these items very well could have been made my 12 year old Chinese girls halfway around the world. I do not care, I want free stuff, and magnets won’t cut it. What WOULD make a game enticing would be a free en Mullet, a Chris Cook Cook Book, nude Vikings cheerleader calendars, plush VIKTOR the VIKING dolls that hide coke inside of his plush asshole, and every cup holder has a free 8 oz of beer. I don’t even care if it’s cheap beer, that would just be fucking awesome. 2. The stadium seats, what, 65,000? Take out 10,000 of those seats and expand the entire stadium seating into fat person home theater seating with plush arm cushions, back massaging ability, ass forming cushions, and a nice purple doily that patrons can take home with them. Even the women would love it! 3. Speaking of women, can I throw out free glory hole access right next to the ketchup/mustard stand? I think glory holes and that horrible relish and onion smell would go together amazingly well. 4. Have someone in the Dome sell booze in more places. Fucking seriously. The best you can get is a Bud Lite. I want to gnaw the plastic bottle down into a sharp object and stab the concessions man in the neck. GIVE ME WHISKY!! 5. Make sure that every suite, bonus room, or club access has TVs that are showing a different football game, because lord knows we don’t want to watch the Vikings. 6. Have a recreation centers on the pre-game plaza where grown ass men can put on a football helmet and then go toe-to-toe with a Pop Warner group of football kids, maybe even the top in the city. But let these adults get wasted and then pop the shit out of these kids for like two hours before the game. I would buy a ticket to just do that, not even go to the game. FUCK YES BOOSH! 7. Blow that fucking teflon-don Dome off and open this bitch of a stadium up to the elements. But keep the rest of the Dome structure as is. What does this mean? It means that there is no draining system established, so if it snows, rains, or hails, THERE IS NO ESCAPING!! People will drown, and it will be intense. I would watch that shit for sure.

NOTE: Not actually me, but how cute is that dog?!?

From home. So what are your ideas? Throw them in the comments and maybe the Vikings will finally learn and upgrade their stadium experience.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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