No, No, No … This is what REALLY Happened

So LT ended up signing with the Jets. Besides Jets fans being the original douchey Patriots fans, it also just sucks that LT shunned the Vikings. Sure, going to the Jets makes a million times more sense for him, but that’s not the point. The point is that many Vikings Rubes had worked themselves into a tizzy over the possibility of an LT and AD backfield, and LT went and fucked that all up because he had to go play with the coolest coach in the NFL, Rex Ryan. Can’t say I blame him. Regardless, after Sunday when LT announced his decision, there were rumors coming out from the likes of Ed Werder and other brainless zombies that claimed Favre had actively, or not very actively at all, tried to recruit LT to the Vikes. Some say this indicated that Favre already had decided to come back for a year! ZOMGIE! Is it true? Well, you’ll never know unless you read this transcript that PJD got their mysterious hands on of the call that happened between Brett Favre and Ladainies …

Ladainies Tomlinson: So, Coach Childress, you really just want me to cal Favre up and speak to him about how it is to play for the Vikings? Do you want me to ask him any questions at all?

Brad Childress: Well, Ladainies, you’re a smart man, and a stellar human being, so I trust you to ask Mr. Favre any questions you may have in joining the Vikings. But … if you could maybe pry out of him whether he’s coming back for sure or not, that’d be swell.

LT: Wait, you guys don’t even know that yourself, if he’s coming back or not? I mean, that would maybe make a difference in the appeal of your team …

BC: Oh, no, I mean … Whether he’s coming back for training camp or not early, is what I meant. Oh, I’m pretty certain he’ll be a Viking in 2010. I mean, that’s what you want to hear, right?

LT: … Uh, yeah, what’s his number again? … Thanks … Ok, it’s ringing …

Brett Favre: Deanna! Turn down my bidet, I can hardly hear this feller on the other line! … Jesus … Yellow?

LT: Uh … is this Brett Favre?

BF: Oh, hey, Damian. We’ll let you in the back door again. Deanna will be tied down and ready for her plunging again in just a few moments, ok?

LT: What? Uh, this is Ladainian Tomlinson, former running back with the Chargers. I’m in Minnesota meeting with Coach Childress and he suggested I call you to talk about how it is to play with the Vikings?

BF: Oh! Sweet molassy, damn! Uh, hey kid, how are ya? Good to hear from ya. How are ya enjoying your trip up there? They serve you any chicken and rice yet? Or watermelon or whatever?

LT: Um … Well, we went out to dinner at a Steakhouse, yes, and I did actually have chicken. It was very good. But I’d rather just stay on the topic of football instead of having you stereotype me, if that’s ok.

BF: Ha! Yer ok, kiddo. Listen, if you end up playing for the Vikings you’ll have to develop a thicker skin than ya got right now, because that’s how we do up there. We crack them jokes, talk in funny Southern accents, sings Pants on the Ground, stupid shit like that. It keeps us all loose. Hell, even Visanthe and I would have a cock off to see who was bigger and I’d also dangle my arm from behind to try and beat him, but that smug asshole would always figger it out. Good times up there!

LT: Oh. Yeah … I guess that sounds like it may be kind of fun. Uh, hey Brett, I’m really thinking of signing here. The Vikings seem to really understand how they want to use me and with you throwing the ball last year you really got the team deep into the playoffs. My concern though is that without you here next year, I’m not sure if this team has what it takes to return as a Super Bowl contender. I’m not going to ask you if you’re coming back or not, because I know you get asked that a lot, but …

BF: Oh, I’m not coming back.

LT: Oh really! Huh. That’s interesting news. You know that Coach Childress seems to think … different on that topic?

BF: Of course I know that. He also seems to think that audibles at the line of scrimmage from run to pass when there’s 13 guys in the box is a dumb idea too, so that doesn’t really surprise me. Naw, I’m done. Bryant McKinnie is still going to be on that team next year and that’s super depressing, so I’m hanging it up.

LT: Well I’m very sorry to hear that. You’ve had a great career and I wish you the best.

BF: Hey, you too kid. But I gotta run. In my retirement, me and Deanna are startin’ up a homemade porn distribution company. I feel confident that Wisconsin families will eat this shit up and I’ll never have to worry about income again for the rest of my life. Listen, we’re always looking for some well endowed supporting actors to make an appearance, if you know what I mean. I think Travis Henry is going to stop by after Deanna gets her tubes tied. You in?

LT: Uh … No, no thank you. Sir. I … really should be going now, but thank you for being so frank with me.

BF: No problem. And hey, if that baldy asks what I said, tell him I’m still undecided, ok? He’ll never figure it out.

LT: Sure, sure. Take care. *click*

BC: So, how’s that sound? Brett Favre to Ladainies??

LT: Uh, yeah … You know what? I’m going to really have to keep my word and visit the Jets on Friday. You know how important it is for me to be honest with people.

BC: Sure, sure. Enjoy your trip, and let us know when you’re ready to sign, ok bud?

LT: … Yeah. We’ll talk.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.