Oh, There be Training Camp News Too

I don’t know about you there readers, but between all the retirement talk, dong photos, and fire being spit at Judd Zulgad, we’ve hardly had any time to catch up on what is really going on in the world of Vikings football, namely the juicy details from the 2010 training camp. There have been plenty of surprises, plenty of disappointments, and of course several players that you know won’t sustain any excellence once they see a real football field. So what exactly has been going on? Follow us as we go through the high, low, and black lights of the first week of training camp … This Year’s Quarterback Croc: The common word out of most training camps, every year, for every team, is that the defense is always ahead of the offense in terms of implementing the play book, and looking better on the field. For the Vikings, this is the case, but it’s not just because Antoine Winfield has flawless skin. And really, it may not even be indicative of the defense being that good. The real problem is that with Favre still testing the dexterity of his texting thumbs surgically repaired ankle, the Vikings are left with a less than desirable situation at quarterback. As it is, Tarvaris Jackson has been working with the ones. He started camp off pretty slow, looking both sloppy and hesitant, but as the week has progressed reports of his success in the two minute drill and other situations have been improving. He apparently still has some zip on his ball akin to a howitzer. However, the deep ball (*snicker*) has never been the issue with TarVar. His problem has been his touch and field vision. Has this improved at all? We’ll find out in the preseason games, most likely, but my guess is no, no it has not. As for the other QBs, Sage has looked every bit the third stringer he probably should be, and Joe Webb is most certainly a project. I am maybe most excited to see him in the preseason, if for no other reason than to ogle fresh meat. /Calls Chris Hansen. Rookies as a New Sensation: There’s been some ups, downs, and reach arounds with the new Viking rookie crop so far in camp. Most notable has been the apparently undervalued first second round pick Chris Cook. Early in the week he had a strong outing where he has shown exceptional BALL SKILLZ by tracking down and intercepting three separate passes. Again, against the Vikings current QB crop, this doesn’t say a whole lot. But still … exciting! I haven’t heard much from Gerhart, which leads me to believe he’s been unspectacular. I DEMAND MORE FROM A WHITE GUY. It at least has been sounding like the coaching staff has given him every opportunity to take the second RB spot, but he hasn’t strangled that teary eyed bitch to the ground yet. Albert Young has surprisingly been getting some reps ahead of him, so if White Lightning can’t beat out Young … that says something. Something BAD. Chris DeGeare has been fat, but impressive, and still looks kind of Polynesian or something, and the other rookies have had spotty performances. Griffen’s worked the third team, Schuler is benefiting from Garrett Mills practicing like a armless man, and I haven’t heard Nate Triplett’s name once. On the other hand, word is apparently when you ask any player who they think the most impressive rookie has been during camp, the same name always comes up: D’Imperio. The fucking Guido. I almost can’t believe it, but it looks like Jaen has a new favorite friend to GTL with. Physically Unable to Perform is a Euphemism: A euphemism about not being able to have sex with your penis. But in this case, no, that’s not really what we’re referring to. Instead, we find that Squid Rice has an injured hip still and hasn’t been doing a lot of the team work. And with Harvin missing most of this week because his grandmama died, that also explains why you see the top receivers as  and Greg Lewis. Does that make you want to throw up with fear over a wide receiver injury? Me too. Also, on the 2009 injury note, Cedric has been all moody because the coaches won’t let him re-injure himself like he really wants to by getting out on the practice field earlier than he should, and EJ Henderson surprisingly is doing team work at least once a day. That shit blows my mind. The guy got hit by a landmine essentially and he’s back less than a year later filling gaps and tagging ass. EJ is a bad, bad man. And I like it. Also terrifying is the fact that Peterson has apparently missed like six practices and half the week due to some undisclosed leg injury. Good thing a running back doesn’t need those, and also a good thing that the back up is a practice squad star and a white rookie. /ShootsSelfInFace Winners: Up to this point in camp there have also been a handful of players who have really stood out in such a way that it makes my inner thighs all tingly with anticipation for football season. As was mentioned, Chris Cook has been making some people make that mildly surprised impressive face, where you turn down the corners of your mouth in consent. In addition to him though, Logan Payne, former Goofer and another young white guy, has apparently been catching everything thrown his way. I don’t know if he can tackle on special teams or return punts, and I always assume that anyone who played for the Goofers shouldn’t actually be in the NFL, but if anyone has high hopes for him and could share some info, we’re all ears. Also, Jamarca Sanford, the Human AIDS Arrow, has been splitting reps with Tyrell Johnson at safety and has been probably the one guy pressing hardest to challenge for a starting spot. Of course, it’s the safety spot, which even Favre’s grand kid could play, so whatever. Good for Jamarca. I … never thought he’d amount to anything. NOT LIKE ME, A SUCCESSFUL BLOGGER. Losers: Besides me? Ha. As mentioned before, Garrett Mills has apparently been playing himself straight into the unemployment line by dropping several catchable balls thrown his way. For a while, it also looked like Sage was almost TRYING to force an early retirement for himself the way he came out of the gate, but since then he’s just gone back to his helicoptering ways. I’ve also heard mentions of Bienemy being pretty hard on the running backs, dropping some Fuck Bombs here and there when Peterson doesn’t keep the ball high and tight or Gerhart makes a misstep. I think that’s more reflective of Bieniemy knowing he has to get these fumble machines to hold on to the damn ball this season, or he WILL be the new position coach at USC next year, whether he wants to or not. Dick. Looking Towards … The Future!: We got training camp for a little while longer, which is perfect, because it allows me plenty of time to stalk the athletes homes back at the cities next week and take candid photos of their partners. Who’s the man always living in Hutchinson’s home? Whatever. The Vikings will finally play their first preseason game on the road next week too, against the listless Rams on August 14, so get your booze ready. Until then, here’s a couple more things to watch for in next week’s camp sessions:

- Will Favre show up? Answer: No. Well, maybe … No. – Will the offense ever figure their shit out? – Will Sullivan actually lock down the center spot? – Who wins out for the 3rd and 4th CB spots? – Will Rhys Lloyd get more field goal opportunities? – Who will be the first player to send dong pics to Mankato girls? Guess: Jeff Dugan. – When will EJ be allowed to go into Beast Mode? – Will Peterson ever stop being a pussy and practice again?

And your own questions in the comments. All images via

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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