Percy Harvin Holds His Temper in Check by not Murdering Childress

With a small nip in the air, the Minnesota Vikings hit the practice field last Friday. Players were distraught, fans were down. Confusion, flaring tempers, and anger were keeping the air warm around Winter Park after Brad Childress had announced earlier in the week that recently acquired receiver Randy Moss had been waived due to his poor attitude with the team. This release hurt one player in particular who was already battling injuries sustained against New England, Percy Harvin …

/Gingerly Jogging

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“Hm, wow, this, uh, this ankle sure isn’t really feeling any better. Now, I, uh, I know what could make the pain go away, but for some reason the NFL and the Vikings seem to think that this medicinal herb is illegal and shouldn’t be used. While I, uh, don’t personally agree with that decision, I respectfully understand it as a tax paying American living under Federal Law.

“BUT GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, IF I HAD SOME WEED I WOULD PLAY FOR SURE ON SUNDAY, YOU CAN BET YOUR SWOLLEN NIPPLES ON THAT”

/Catching passes from Brett Favre

“Boy, that old Silver Fox can sure, uh, throw a mean football. It’s like he puts so much heat on them that they must have just come out of the oven! Hahaha … It’s a perfect, uh, temperature for a cooler day like this in Minnesota. Helps to keep me, uh, warm, and calm me down as the wind blows across my face and we all concentrate on preparing to win against the Cardinals this week, despite the distractions that Coach Childress has …”

/Up walks Brad Childress

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“Hey Percy, glad to see you’re out here putting a bit more effort in your routes than you did earlier this week. I know you were growing close to Randy and my decision to let him go was hard for you to accept, but I need you to understand that the way he wanted to do things was not how we do them around here, and I just know you can be a better player, and a better man, than that. So let’s put this all behind us and go get an MRI on your ankle like you’re scheduled to do, huh?”

/Turns red in the face, looks at Childress

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“YOU FUCKING BALD COCK SUCKER WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM. I WAS OUT HERE HAVING A GREAT DAY IN THIS BEAUTIFUL WEATHER BEFORE YOU WALKED UP TO ME AND STARTED SHITTING POETICS OUT OF YOUR CROOKED PUSSY HAIRED MOUTH AND NOW YOU’VE RUINED MY DAY TO THE POINT WHERE I DON’T EVEN THINK I’LL BE ABLE TO ENJOY SMASHING WHITE HOES LATER TONIGHT GOD DAMMIT AND NO I WILL NOT GET AN MRI ON MY ANKLE IT’S FUCKING FINE AND IF YOU DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE I WILL PUNCH YOUR FACE THROUGH THE BACK OF YOUR GOD DAMN SKULL I MEAN HAVE YOU SEEN MY BICEPS?”

/Childress starts to roll up his sleeves hesitantly, clearly taken aback

“Now Percy, we’ve talked about your attitude before, and I must be honest in saying I am not very fond of it. We need to make sure you’re taking your pills to calm your down, but if you feel we must come to fisticuffs in order for me to regain control of my team and star players, so be it, let’s start fighting.”

/Childress comes out swinging.

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/Percy Counters

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/Childress and Percy are finally separated. Childress speaks.

“Yes, well, if you feel your ankle is up to it, I hope you can play Sunday. The MRI machine is waiting for you.”

“FUCKING LEAVE NOW DUDE BEFORE I DECAPITATE YOUR FACE.

“But yeah, I should probably, uh, get that ankle looked at.”

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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