Get off your high horse, Rodgers: Last season when the Vikings had their bye week, every team in the division ended up looking like a group of school girls fighting over an autographed Bieber photo. This year during the bye week, it was more like a bunch of high school theatre students scoffing over the new album release of Atmosphere, clamoring over how their first albums were soooooo much better. Meaning, some teams won, some teams lost, and one quarterback particularly in Green Bay looked SUPER homosexual. Can you guess which one? If you guessed the one that skipped around like a Sound of Music extra and got picked off twice by a Detroit secondary that has cement for feet, then you guessed correct. Aaron Rodgers has officially reached bag of dick status in my book. His wrestling belt bullshit after he runs like three yards, his constant complaining to the refs, and the cock knobbing Joe Buck and Aikman give him on a consistent basis makes my stomach turn worse than looking at dick smegma. You ever Google that shit? DON’T. Iin other words, congrats Packers, you and your queer festival quarterback beat a Lions team by two points at home. Even the asshole Vikings with Brett Favre did better than that. Yikes.
Oh, and your defensive backfield is terrible. Smoot-terrible. Looking forward to playing against it.
The Lions are going to surprise people, I swear it: OK, everyone has been saying this for like, what, the past eight years? But honest to god, a team like Detroit that spends half of their time fucking there way up to three points every possession has to turn the corner at some time. This is especially true when you have a fucking MAN like Megatron pimp slapping a sorority sloppy Green Bay defense. Seriously though, the Lions just made the Packers look silly. Shaun Hill threw for 300+ yards on those idiots, and the team collectively rushed for over 100 yards. We are going to donkey punch those assholes, especially if Favre ever decides to stop thumbing his butt plug and get on the same page with his receivers. And how about Shaun Hill? He’s …….. not a terrible quarterback in spot duty. This of course makes you wonder what the shit Childress did with him to make him look like a floundering 90 year old with a broken back. In other words, go to hell Brad Childress.
And the Bears can eat a phallic object, too: Nice 3-1 record, dicks. Let’s recap your season. You played the Lions who actually beat you. You then played the Cowboys who looked about as sharp as a 2000′s Notre Dame football team. Then you BARELY beat the Packers after they played through 97 penalties. Then you got castrated by the Giants who gave up on the season in week two, I’m pretty sure. So ….. congratulations? Jesus, this division sucks. It sucks so bad it looks like the NFC West. Inf fact, I’m pretty sure the Seahawks, 49ers, and Rams would all beat the Vikings. In other news of sucking, Jay CutlerFucker apparently got knocked out of this game with a concussion. Or he was hung over. Or he has diabetes, which is funny because it means he’s fat or eats unhealthy or has bad genetics. I’m not a scientist, I don’t know how this all works. All I know is that a 3-1 record in this NFC North division means about as much as a Barry Manilow concert tour. So yes, THE VIKINGS HAVE A CHANCE! Get back on the train, ladies! TWEET-TWEET!! …. Gay.
Mushroom Stamp of Approval: Naturally, this was a Vikings Bye week so no one really impressed me during their lack of playing time enough to earn a Mushroom Stamp of Approval. I was thinking about giving it to Brian Robison for taking his bye week up north with the wife, but we already kind of covered that last weekend. I was also considering giving it to Albert Young, because I heard he went to Iowa for a homecoming game, but fuck Iowa, so that wasn’t going to work out. Instead, I’ve given the award to the man who holds my heart this week, and really every week when Purple Jesus isn’t busting heads on the field; the one and only Don Draper. Do I care that Don Draper is a fictional character from a time period that is far and gone? Of course not. And neither should you, so just accept this and move on. Also, if you didn’t see Mad Men last night it was pretty good. Season four is awesome. Fucking Joan Harris, your boobs are awesome.
So I went to a Twins game: My rents came up on Saturday with some swanky bank season tickets and took the wifey and I to a Twins game. It was the second one I’ve been to at Target Field. First time I sat in the poor seats along the third base line, about 37 stories high. This time I sat in right-center field where no one ever hits a home run too because it’s apparently impossible to hit a home run at Target Field. Regardless, I played it kind of douchey the first time and spent most of my time in my seat actually watching the game. This time however, I spent the first inning and walked around the stadium the rest of the time, which I believe is actually status quo. While clearly it was and is a nice stadium ever since my first visit, walking around the place was way better. And this was the game where Casilla hit that two out single to win it, so I got a good taste of what playoff baseball may be like at Target Field. If the Twins manage to not play like a bunch of dipshits like they normally do against the Yankees, shit may get pretty wild there. Also, since I had season tickets this time we got to go into the Metropolitan Club in right field. Let me just say that if you have season tickets and spend any time actually sitting in your seats you must be retarded. That place was like a beautiful pair of breasts that smelled like money. I would like to go back there again, FYI, season ticket holders.
Speaking of the Twins: This is why they’ll never be good at anything; they have 17 chances to take homefield advantage throughout the playoffs with the Yankees and Rays testing out dildos in the east, and Gardenhire decides to play his third stringers for the last four weeks of the season. I’m sorry, but come the fuck on. The Twins, more than anyone, need to have that homefield advantage. You can’t take three days and pretend like you’re still going to play for something? And look at this! If you would have you would have ended up as top dog because the Yanks and Rays continued to shit down the shower drain! But no! The Twins don’t need that! They end up hitting more home runs on the road anyway! It’s fucking retarded. It’s like the Childress not letting Favre call the plays in Carolina and Chicago last year to win a couple of games and get home field in the NFC because Brad wanted to warm himself up for the playoffs himself. Or something. God I hate you, Minnesota sports. And fuck the Gophers too. You guys are hilarious.
Tweets O’ The Packers/Lions Game: As usual, during every post-game recap, we take our favorite Tweets from the followers we are stupid enough to follow and post them in this failing little section called Tweets O’ the Game. Because there was no actual Vikings game this weekend, we decided to pull some Tweets during the Packers/Lions games, because it was funny. So, if you have a Twitter account and are Tweeting during the game your stupid incoherent drunken ramblings, well … boy. I sure would like to read them. Follow us here or leave your Twitter account in the comments and maybe even YOU will make an appearance here throughout the week! Sexy! Anyway, on to the Packer’s game. We begin with TCHeadCheese:
Rodgers continues to be money in the red zone. 41 TDs and 1 pick in his career. Pass to Finley was artistry.
So if you can’t handle assholes who wax poetics about Rodgers and Green Bay in 40 characters or less then I would maybe skip over this section. However, if you want to hear a bunch of grown men get an erection because they can’t tell the difference between an Aaron Rodgers pass and a Picasso, then hop on board because this shit is ridiculous. OK, the Finley pass I’ll give him credit on, because it was pretty solid, but it’s not fucking artistry. It’s a dude who use to have a porn mustache that throws a football while wearing tight pants. You do the math. Next from PackerRanter:
The replay of the Rodgers to Finley TD pass was amazing.
Oh wait, I think this was what he actually said: “Nyyggaaaah, I’m cumming, I’m CCCUUUMMMMMMMMIIINNNGGGG!!!!!” BLOOOOSSHH!! Then his wife walked in the room, said “I’m fucking your brother” and the guy shrugged his shoulders because the Packers won. What the fuck does he care? Next from our halfway decent Packer fan, WinsconsinRob:
Aaron Rodgers is just like a kid out there… WAIT DAMMIT CAN I TAKE THAT BACK!
Eh, too late, Bucko. AARON = BRETT YOU SAID IT YOURSELF. But it’s kind of true. It’ll be another two years, but the motions with which the media will be stroking Rodgers will simply be muscle memory from when they use to get Favre’s rocks off too. It’s nice to know some things never change, like hating Green Bay quarterbacks with every single atom of your body. Next from our brethren in blogs, DailyNorseman:
Shaun Hill – 46 rushing yards…Brandon Jackson – 36 rushing yards.
Shaun Hill; the White Michael Vick. Uh … minus the whole dog killing thing. I mean, I’m assuming so anyway. I don’t know that much about Hill’s personal life. He was born in Kansas and then went to school in Maryland, so he might know how to shank someone AND make a meth lab in his basement. Don’t trust him. Regardless, the Packers look exactly like they did last year; all air, no … ground …. that was stupid. But you get the idea. Finally, from A WOMAN, VikesPrincess:
I like Jordy Nelson! His fumbling technique is delicious!
Jordy Nelson went to Kansas State, which is home to crank addicts and needle aficionados, and then his career took him to Green Bay, home of inbred alcoholics and a team name that sounds like they road in on a flamingo float. What a terrible life, aside from all those millions of dollars and such.
As always, follow us on Twitter, Facebook, or … I don’t know … here? And leave game comments. The best ones get featured here, and the worst ones I send to Bill Simmons, because he’d probably find them HILARIOUS, that fuck.
A mediocre haiku for a bye week:
Follow Chris DeGeare
To his favorite hot spot;
The King of Diamonds!
No really, apparently he was pretty excited to head that way this Bye Week.