Whoa. What the hell was that?: Did was all just see the same thing? Really? Because I got really excited for a second when I saw Favre come within two heart beats of death on the field after he got absolutely BLASTED. Really, you’re a damn liar if you didn’t get a little tingly watching that. It was then I thought this game was as good as over. I mean really. We’re going to put TarVar in? And he’s going to throw a pick-6 on his first drive??!! NNNNGGGYYAAAHHH!! That was me cumming Schadenfreude buckets. But then I learned a valuable lesson; The Bills are a very, very, poor team with their current roster, and not even a retarded and depleted bunch of pole smokers like this Vikings squad could lose to them. In fact, netherworldly players like Purple Jesus and Squid Rice put DAH TEEM ON DEY BACKS, DAWG, and went all HAM on a terrible Bills defense. In the end – actually before I even knew what happened – the Vikings went up 28-7 on their way to a 38-14 win that was never close. Hey, even flaccid dong strikes 6:00 PM twice a day, knawmsayin’?? Regardless, the Vikings won and we all get to face palm ourselves wondering what exactly could have been if the Vikings would have canned Childress’ bald ass after the Miami game. Shit, they’d be 10-2 right now and rocking some major swag on. So at least until next season, keep blaming Childress!
Mushroom Stamp of Approval: Clearly, there were only two options of who could be the recipient of this week’s Mushroom Stamp of Approval. One was Favre, for “taking himself out of the game” and the other was clearly Tarvaris for throwing an amazing three … interceptions. Hahaha, just kidding. The only two options were Purple Jesus and Squid Rice. I figure since Purple Jesus has his own blog named after him though, unless he does something OUTRAGEOUS like score three touchdowns and over 100 ya … wait … no, I mean if he sets a record by being one of only four running backs in NFL history to record 1,000 yards and 10 touchdowns in his first four years in the leag … wait … shit … OK. He probably SHOULD get it, but he should probably get the award every week, right? So we’ll just give it to Rice, who looked like 2009 Squid and had two or three absolutely redonkulous catches, two of them for touchdowns. He’s a fucking baller, and the Vikings probably should re-sign him this offseason. Cut Longwell though. Kickoff to the 15 yard line? Go fuck yourself.
And TarVar is still horrible: Holy shit he is bad. Let’s reset the clock. He’s been in the NFL for five years. FIVE YEARS. That’s longer than his college career and longer than (most of) you spend in high school. He’s a professional football player now, like it or not. And he still sucks. He’s had early starting experience, he’s sat behind a Hall of Fame QB, he’s been coddled and given the benefit of the doubt like a girl with a black eye. And he throws an out pattern like a wet noodle. And he still jumps with EVERY pass, particularly when he doesn’t need to. There was one pass that it worked for him. The other 22 it did not. His passes to Squid on that third down penalty and the two touchdowns? Shit. Terrible fucking passes. I could throw a pass better and I throw like a 12 year old girl going through chemotherapy. OK … OK. That second pass to Squid for the TD was decent, particularly because he was on the roll out and it was where only the receiver could get it. But let’s not kid ourselves. There is no way he actually MEANT to do that. This guy is just absolute toast. On the bright side, however, we didn’t have to put up with the Leinart experiment!
Your 2011 Draft Pick Update: With each win the Vikings keep screwing themselves in the mouth with their 2011 draft pick status. After the majority of the shitty teams played early on Sunday, this is what we are looking at for draft order:
Christ, guys! The 11th pick?? Do you know who was drafted 11th last year? Anthony Davis. Wait, who? Exactly. Some fucking no-name no-sexy pick that is a great character pick up for a team that’s shitty. WE’RE A TEAM THAT’S SHITTY!! We need someone better. The more we keep winning and these other teams keep losing, the more we lose out on drafting a potential shitty QB. Luck, Mallet, Newton, and Locker are the ones to keep your eyes on, and the Panthers, Bills, Cardinals, Redskins (possibly) and Titans all need QBs. Fucking awesome. Locker has played like a bed pan this season, so he could drop, but some retarded NFL scouts will jack off to his measurables and take him top 10. That means the Vikings get left with someone to take for the offensive line (sad boner face) or stick with my pick of Prince Amukamara, which would be huge, fat, mammaries of a pick. DO SOMETHING RIGHT, LESLIE.
The Shit List: If you are familiar with such things as shit and lists, you know it’s usually a collection of bad things. In this case, every week I normally offer you my collection of bad Vikings players that I hope become unemployed with a brain injury in the near future because they decided to play like a bag of assholes in the most recent game. I also add a quick update as to why I hope they all get colon cancer. I should also point out that this isn’t presented in most deserving order or anything, as all of these people are equally horrible. After Sunday’s game, which was a win, mind you, I still have people that deserve to get burned with a bag of poop, and currently here is the list:
Brad Childress (I can’t think of a reason to take him off of a Shit List, can you?)
Madieu Wiliams (Madieu actually didn’t give up a 70 TD pass this game. The fact that this is improvement makes me hate him more)
Toby Gerhart (You run like a white guy and always look like you’re about to cry. Knock it off.)
Ray Edwards (You weren’t even hurt. You were just collectingn money, you ass. And Robison just put you out of a job)
Albert Young (While you seem like an exceptionally nice person, I greatly dislike that you were seen anywhere on the field today, even in a blow out)
Tarvaris Jackson (I can’t believe anyone draft you ever. What a waste. Clearly you’d be a gold medal Olympic high jump though!)
Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments, but we will continue to update this list as each game progresses. I am expecting it to get quite extensive as the losses pile up and will gladly take your suggestions into consideration. So get to hating.
A winning haiku:
“Check this out haterz,
Eighty Five QB rating
Beats out Silver Fox!”
Victory Talking Points:
- I’ve given Chris Kluwe not-really a hard time around here before, but he’s easily become my third favorite Vikings this season with his stellar play, long hair, nerdy white guy physique, and adoration for Assassin’s Creed. I would love to get a beer/interview him some time. Maybe scotch? I’ll buy Chris! Anyway, him getting blindsided was kind of funny, especially since it didn’t really hurt and particularly because he was rubbing his ass afterwards, as seen in the video. Nice work, bud.
- Paul Posluszny, the roided out freak from Ohio State, wracked up a cool 15 total tackles and one sack. That’s god damn crazy. That was a pretty good pick by the Bills, but with the way they run their organization there you know he’s going to head to New England or some NFC East team and the Bills will continue to be the Bills. Hilarious.
- Ben Leber got his face murdered when Winfield blasted some guy on the sidelines to cause that fumble. That was a good time too.
- It’s too bad Joe Webb snipped his hammy so early in the game. By the reading of it across the vast internets, it sounds like the coaching staff had some crazy Antwan Randel-El type of shit lined up for him. It could have been exciting, but instead we got treated to the TarVar abortion.
- When I saw the inactive list this morning for the game, I was CERTAIN they were going to piss this game away. I totally forgot that Chris DeGeare was even on this team. He ended up doing fine though, I thought, which is surprising because everyone hated that draft pick. Rick Spielman strikes again? BASTARD!
- It really makes you wonder; if Sidney Rice was healthy this year or had his surgery early on, how much better would this team have been? I staunchly denied that Squid had that much influence on this team early in the season, but after seeing/remembering what he can do even with shitty/Favre-esque QB play … damn. He sure would have been helpful.
- In the past two games under Les Frazier (I like that name better, Les), the Vikings defense has held opponents to only two touchdowns and under 500 total yards. I wanted to get all excited for that little factoid, but then remembered it was the Redskins and the Bills, which draws a collective “Le Sigh”.
- Hey Favre, this would be a perfect time to just, kind of, disappear, you know … Just saying.
That’s all we got for today. What were your thoughts on this game that was ultimately pointless? Leave your ramblings in the comments and make sure to give us a follow on Twitter and Facebook to profess your love for Squid Rice all week long, or e-mail us a lengthy diatribe about how you touched yourself to his first touchdown catch. Whatevs. Either way, we’ll be here again tomorrow with more nonsense.