Randy Moss is the smartest player on this team: This is what Randy Moss had to say in his press conference after the Vikings lost to the Patriots on Sunday, 28-18. For the record, I don’t blame him in any of this:
“… it has been an emotional roller-coaster this whole week. I tried to prepare; tried to talk to the coaches and players about how this game was going to be played – a couple tendencies here and a couple tendencies there. But the bad part about it, you have six days to prepare for a team and on the seventh day, that’s Sunday, meaning today, I guess they come over to me and say, ‘Dang Moss, you were right about a couple plays and a couple schemes that they were going to run.’ It hurts as a player that you put a lot of hard work in all week and toward the end of the week, Sunday, when you get on the field, that is when they acknowledge the hard work you have put in all week. So that is a disappointment.”
Spot fucking on. That is only the tip of the ice berg of the Randy conference too. If you didn’t see it or read it all, follow that first link and check it out. This son of a bitch is the smartest god damn person on the team. He always has been. He knows how to beat teams’ coverage, he knows what the other teams are doing, and when fuckwad coaches get in his way because they know he’s too smart, he shits on their face Osi Unemyiora style. And I’ve always liked him for this because he’s right. The problem is those retarded fans who piss on Moss because they think he’s a team cancer, because he spouts off like this at press conferences … these shit heads are the same ones who demand the ball be thrown to Moss deep all game too. But once he speaks up, “This trade was terrible! He’s a cancer!” But he’s not the fucking problem. He said it right there. He told these shit head coaches how to be the Patriots, and Childress decided to not listen to him, because our coach lets people cum in his eyeballs. Moss isn’t the problem. He never has been. He’s had more answers than anything. And hopefully, finally, this year is the year when people start to listen to him and we win some fucking games, or fire our fucking coach, because this is god damn ridiculous.
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: This cock sucker needs to go. He needs to be stripped, cut with an Xacto knife, and dropped in a vat of syphilis before being strung up as the center piece in the Gay 90′s. I’m through with Childress. He’s lost the team, his coaching sucks, he can’t develop a cold let alone a quarterback, and his ability to challenge is equal to that of Stevie Wonder. Here’s is a Tweet that Seth Kaplan dropped about what some NFL photographers heard on the Vikings sidelines:
Our photographer on sidelines said Vikings coaches were asking Childress “what are you challenging”? They told him it was a clear catch.
Are you reading into this what I’m reading into this? Our coaching staff even knows that Childress is a fucking moron, but because he’s got peoples’ pussys clamped down, there isn’t a damn ting that they can do about it. And if this little tidbit doesn’t piss you off I’m not sure what will. Maybe the fact that he tried to run his team all big dick style by going for a touchdown instead of taking three points in a game where it’d be a premium to score against the Patriots? Maybe you’d like to criticize him for helping Moss to only one catch for eight yards? Seriously. Maybe it’s his idiotic challenges, his piss poor scheming, his mishandling of the roster for his entire career, and everything else he’s done wrong. I just cannot believe, for the life of me, that this asshole is our coach, that we signed him to a contract, and that he’s probably going to be the coach next year of what will undoubtedly be a much worse team.
A little Brett Favre chin music: Alright, alright … It’s very poor form to wish ill will upon anyone. That’s just the simple truth. When I say I want Brad Childress to die from a pack of hungry rapists, I only kind of mean it. With that being said, despite my well known disliking for Brett Favre I don’t actually wish him to be killed on or off the football field. However, HOW FUCKING SWEET WAS IT to see him almost die after getting his face knocked in. Holy SHIT, that was amazing. I honestly thought he had a broken jaw for a solid four minutes. The way he was holding it, not saying anything, and looking all dazed and confused like he just sniffed his daughters panties on accident was fucking AMAZING. And then TarVar comes in, throws a touchdown pass to Tahi of all people, AND drops a beauty of a ball to Harvin for a two point conversion (which would have been for the tie had Childress kicked the field goal at the end of the half)? Awesome, awesome series of events. Oh, boo hoo, I shouldn’t cheer for our players getting injured. Fuck you. It’s Brett Favre, he doesn’t count. And he’s fine, so get over it. But my god, have you EVER seen anyone look so fucking old? That was amazing.
Oh, and for having a broken bone in your fucking ankle he player out of this world. Kudos for that. Wish you he would have had some better play calling, though.
Fuck the defense right in the mouth: I was on record earlier this year saying that the defense was the least of my worries, that they had held the Saints, the Dolphins, the Lions and the Cowboys all to very low performances and were pretty stellar overall. Well, I take that all back and wish that all 11 of those fuckers would get colon polyps. This defense fucking blows, and I just don’t really think there’s anything people can do about it. Oh, you held those teams early in the year to low yardage but still lost because the offense was terrible. Big fucking deal, all those teams suck horse shaft too. The defense got me all excited to start the game with their pressure on Brady, their blitzing and decent coverage, but then decided that they just wanted to stop playing for some reason? Madieu decided to stop tackling? Did he meet his yearly quota of four already? Asher Allen is way in over his head, the defensive line is nonexistent, and the linebackers don’t know how to hit anyone. This looks like a Mike Tice coached defense. Blame it all you want on them having to play more balanced because the offense doesn’t get them the lead, and yadda yadda jack off … But that Tampa Bay defense didn’t play with leads and they won a fucking Super Bowl. The Ravens played without leads for a decade and they did too. This defense is a bunch of over-hyped shit and I’m sick of hearing about it.
My man boner now belongs to …: Percy Harvin. In fact, if I could rename this blog I would maybe change it to have something to do with Percy now instead of Purple Jesus, largely because Harvin is under contract for longer at this point. But also because he’s a bad ass. I just love watching the guy play now. He’s speed is pretty out of site, especially when he’s juking defenders and tossing defensive backs to the ground. He has that same Peterson effect where whenever he gets in space and takes an angle your anus tightens just a little bit because you’re like “Oh shit! Is he taking this one all the way??” And often times he doesn’t, but he totally could, you know? At this point, Harvin is the only thing to be happy about. A lot of times receivers don’t end up being really great until their third year. Fantasy football douche bags call it the third year syndrome or whatever, but Harvin looks stronger, faster, and better this year than last, and I can’t wait to see what he ends up doing next year too. The one thing I’VE learned is that despite having an offense that’s up and down and masturbates each other in the shower mostly, you can still probably depend on Harvin to keep the team in it with points and badass game play. Therefore, he’ll unabashedly be my number two pick in fantasy next year, right after PJ.
The Shit List: I am continuing a feature here in my quasi-revamped game review section called “The Shit List”. If you are familiar with such things as shit and lists, you know it’s usually a collection of bad things. In this case, every week I will offer you my collection of bad Vikings players that I hope become unemployed with a brain injury in the near future because they decided to play like a bag of assholes in the most recent game. I will also add a quick update as to why I hope they all get colon cancer. After Sunday night’s game, this is who I have:
Jaen (One quarterback pressure. Thanks dick cheese.)
TarVar (You didn’t have to do anything besides not look like shit, but that’s exactly what happened when you played for two full minutes)
Phil Loadholt (You were supposed to be Michael Oher!!!)
Asher Allen (While the long TD to Tate wasn’t entirely your fault, you’re still easy to blame)
Brad Childress (In retrospect, an extra three points would’ve changed the entire fucking game. Who would’ve thought, aside from anyone who watched the Miami game?)
Steve Hutchinson (Your missed block directly resulted in Favre getting his shit blown up. So, thank you maybe?)
Leslie Frazier (Clutch defense you coach around here. You’d be perfect for the Gophers job)
Toby Gerhart (You didn’t do anything wrong, but I can’t actually believe you’re on my team)
Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments, but we will continue to update this list as each game progresses. I am expecting it to get quite extensive as the losses pile up and will gladly take your suggestions into consideration. So get to hating.
A losing haiku for a bunch of overpaid cunts:
Racist Boston fans?
Or an idiot head coach?
…. Please take me back, Pats!