I can’t believe there’s seven more games of this crap: GUUUUUHHH. Honestly. How many more times can I write “Chris Cook blew coverage! Asher Allen was a bad draft pick! The defense looks lethargic! I’m pretty sure Brett Favre just died!” There are only so many ways to skin a cat, trust me. I used to live on a cat farm that was suffering from over population. The most effective way is from neck to nave, then just gut the sum’bitch. Anyway, my favorite part about the post game quotes that I’ve read so far is this excerpt from ESPN 1500’s full interview with Vikings tight end Visanthe Shiancoe after the Packers just got done removing their pulsating fungus dick from a puckered purple butthole after they won 31-3:
Do you think everybody feels the way you do right now?
I can’t speak for nobody else, man. I hope they do. I hope that people are upset right now. I really do, I hope they are upset right now.
Ah, stop it Shanko. No one’s upset! Who cares?! The season was over after week two. We’re all just watching you guys get embarrassed now so you all feel as horrible as we have ever since week two. Listen, listen … I’m SURE you’re upset right now. I’m sure you think Chris Cook stopped playing and Hererra was faking his ACL injury just to jump ship. I would too. But don’t get mad buddy! Take your huge paycheck, go buy some awesome weed, and just get BLUNTED tonight and wait with the rest of us for Childress to get fired. But we all stopped caring like two months ago, and if someone tells me they were still holding out hope and that their heart was just CRUSHED because of this loss, all I can do is reference the “sports, sports, sports, is your whole life sports?!” line. Because while it might be, I only feel great sadness for those whose only real team to cheer for, that they really live and die with, is the Vikings. That fucking sucks, and is disgusting for you. I suggest you start following the Twi … the Timberwo … the Goph … the Lyn … the Wil … Well, the Lakers use to be Minneapolis, right?
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: The defense got just absolutely gashed on Sunday. They wilted like a hooker in front of a pimp hand. They went limp like a penis in Wisconsin. They checked out like my wife during baseball (good lady). The whole group was fucking terrible and vapid, but the cornerbacks have stood out this season like never before. It reminds me of the Corey Chavous/Brian Russell years. Shit safety play, no pressure from the corners. And for this weeks poop stamp I’m dropping it off to Chris Cook because of how terrible he played this game, the last Packers game, and many other times this season. It could have just as easily gone to Madieu Williams for having the worst tracking abilities outside of a comatose hunter, or Asher Allen who must have nude pictures of the coaching staff with dildos because I can’t fathom how there isn’t a better option coming off the street to start at corner. Cook got it hard today though by not turning his head around to track the ball, never putting a hand up to even attempt to knock anything away, to just getting his ankles broken on piss poor tackling. This has me so confused too, because he looked like an absolute stud to start this season off and during training camp. Really fell off, here. Oh, he also gets it because he was caught on camera jawing with other players like an anal baster. Shut up and do your job, you rich fucker.
Well, Favre sucked too, he should get one: A stamp I mean, not a pass from us. In fact, I would love it if he would either get a ban hammer dropped on him by the NFL for sexting chicks, divorced from Deanna, crippled in a car accident after he went out and got black out drunk after the game, retire, and disappear into the Amazon jungles only to be eaten by ravenous wood ticks. Or something. His little slight of hand last year was special, certainly, but his play this year is so far beyond sucking, I’m not even sure where to put it. If you were to think of this thing that sucked the most, ever, you’d probably saaayyyy … Justin Bieber marrying Lindsay Lohan and having them become the first king of the United States in 30 years where they start a lineage of singing drug addict babies that will forever rule over you and whore out that hot crush you have in future high school. Brett Favre’s play is surprisingly just below this scenario. I’m too lazy to check stats, because who fucking cares at this point in the season, but I thought I heard his QB rating is like second from the bottom in the league this year. I KNOW his 17 interceptions leads the league (surprise!), but he can’t even compete a pass anymore. That’s what his fucking job is. If your job was to fill out expense reports or make sandwiches and you were once super fucking awesome at it and now can’t do it anymore, you get fired. It’s called business. Someone kill the gun slinger now and put him, and us, all out of our misery, please.
Your 2011 Draft Pick Update: Oh man, this is now my favorite part of the season. I love the NFL draft. Some people hate it. Some people think it’s ridiculous to sit around for a full weekend (well, now Thursday primetime too which was the second worst idea after lending that $20 to Hitler thinking he’d ever pay it back) and watch teams pick random players you’ve watched throughout college. WELL I CALL THOSE PEOPLE DEVILS. The NFL draft rules, especially when you watch tons of college football. It also rules when your NFL team sucks enough to potentially get a fantastic player at the top of the draft. So this week the way-too-early draft scenario looks like this, which is now way more accurate than last week because I found a site that automatically updates the standings after each game called Playoff Status.com:
I still don’t know how we’re ahead of the Cardinals when we beat them in a head-to-head match-up. Same with the Cowboys, although it is more important with the Cardinals because they actually need a QB. And the Bills better settle the fuck down, or they are going to miss out on Andrew Luck. Remember the Vikings play them in like two weeks, and that may determine draft position significantly. The Vikings also play the Lions to finish the season, which may bump the Vikes all the way up to spot TWO! It’ll be interesting to see what happens at the top, because teams like the Bengals, the Cowboys, and maybe the Panthers don’t really need QBs. The Panthers would probably take Luck if he was available to them, but the Vikings may be able to snag him too. As it stands, I think the five spot is too high for any of the other quarterbacks right now, although I am free to change that opinion at any time like that fucker McShay. Instead, the five slot is prime pickings for an offensive linemen, or maybe a defensive back still. I’m still sticking with Anthony Castonzo for tackle or Prince Amukamara for corner right now.
The Shit List: If you are familiar with such things as shit and lists, you know it’s usually a collection of bad things. In this case, every week I will offer you my collection of bad Vikings players that I hope become unemployed with a brain injury in the near future because they decided to play like a bag of assholes in the most recent game. I will also add a quick update as to why I hope they all get colon cancer. I should also point out that this isn’t presented in most deserving order or anything, as all of these people are equally horrible. After Sunday’s game, this is who I have:
Phil Loadholt (The big Twitter joke yesterday was “You can’t spell Loadholt without Hold! Sometimes I hate you people)
Brad Childress (He was game planning like a fox planning to not go into that fox trap, until he saw a dead mouse. OSM! *snap* *dead*)
Brett Favre (Shhh, don’t worry baby Brett. It’s the receivers faults that they weren’t all 19 feet tall. You weren’t over throwing them, man.)
Madieu Williams (Clearly failed Geometry in school as well as the critical class “How not to be a cunt”)
Ban (“I think I’m going to give it a go today Cooch!” /One play later “Tsssssssss aaahhhhh! My groin! I’m done. Where’s the bench.”)
Toby Gerhart (I always imagine him just screaming “Hurr durr derppy herp!” as he runs with the football)
Asher Allen (I’m becoming very suspicious of that SEC speed. I don’t think Greg Jennings played in the SEC and he demolished your ass like a Grand Theft Auto prostitute kill)
Jim Kleinsasser (Holding on a field goal? Just let it get blocked, at least keep your dignity old man)
Feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments, but we will continue to update this list as each game progresses. I am expecting it to get quite extensive as the losses pile up and will gladly take your suggestions into consideration. So get to hating.
A Losing Haiku:
A heated moment
Between Zygi and Mark Wilf
Welcomes Sir Taco!
And all this embarrassment in front of The League! How awesome was it when Taco walked between the Wilfs in their suite? That sexy naginta. I didn’t go to the Metrodome because why would I subject myself to this abortion, but did anyone go and see these guys? They took and posted several Twitter pictures and everything else, which you can see here. Yes, there is a picture of Taco trying to smoke weed out of the Vikings horn. Smart man. Also, fucking Andre has horrible shoes even in real life, Ruxin’s shorts are beyond homosex, and I have no idea who that lady is on the right in the Purple Jesus jersey. Either way, I feel terrible for these guys that they had to come to Minneapolis in a terrible ice storm, stand outside when it’s freezing all morning, and then watch the team get curb stomped American X style. Hope you had fun, dudes! Yikes.
Some gut-checking talking points:
- Doesn’t that look like Driver is getting head from Jennings? Stupid gaybo Packers.
- I think I like Darren Bevell. We’ll never really know how much of an influence he has on the offense until Childress is gone, but he seems to be able to handle personalities like that bitch Favre pretty well. They got a little heated on the sidelines and Favre just looked like a bitch while Bevell looked like a smart adult. Someone keep an eye on him …
- Larry Fitzgerald is getting frustrated in Arizona with shitty QB play. People seem to think he’ll be coming here to team up with Squid and Harvin and … what, a rookie QB that might suck? Don’t think so, people.
- The NFL just went CSI on Brett Favre in this cock texting investigation using electronic forensics, which just the name scares the shit out of me. I hope he gets a suspension. If the team is going to fail at least do it with TarVar jump passing the whole time. That would just be hilarious then.
- Kevin Williams had his named spelled wrong on his jersey. Instead of saying Williams it said “KILL ME NOW.” An understandable mistake.
- At some point in the second half I think, the broadcasting crew showed a picture of Percy Harvin when he was four years old. If someone can get me that screen cap I will give you 5,000 internets. It was awesome. He hasn’t aged a year.
- Zygi Wilf was apparently red in the face and ready to make whole-sale changes after the Vikings lost, according to people in the locker room. For starters? FIRING THE CATERERS.
That’s it for now, folks. I suggest you tune in to the Timberwolves (if they’re even on TV, which they probably aren’t …) if you want to see a team with a brighter future than this shit football squad. If you have pictures, stories, venting, or whatever else from this Packers game though, feel free to contact us on Twitter, Facebook, or e-mail us cool shit because we enjoy receiving it. Until then, let’s remain apathetic and no one will get hurt, OK? And have some fun! It’s just a bunch of shitty millionaires! It’s not like they care if you call them horrible people!