PJD’s Masturbatory Game 12 Preview – I Can Haz Two Game Winning Streak?

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4092/5220407147_a5bd740418_z.jpg
Can the Vikings go on a winning streak?
Three weeks ago or so, it seemed impossible. I would have dropped a load in my pants if the Vikings had one a single game, let alone two, and ESPECIALLY two in a row. But here we are, having just come off a win against the Washington Redskins (who aren’t very good apparently because they lost to the Vikings) and getting ready for the Vikings to face the Buffalo Bills who only have half as many wins as the Vikings do. WOW. That’s when you know you are a terrible team. But not so fast my friends. Buffalo, while sitting in an envious position for the Vikings where they are in contention for the number one overall draft pick, is not as terrible as they look. In fact, they may be built particularly well to piss on the Vikings face this weekend, what with their brainiac quarterback (Fitzpatrick went to Harvard, you know) and God fearing wide receiver who ALMOST catches game winning deep balls, the Vikings defense may be caught off guard and fighting tooth and nail all day Sunday.

And the fact that we’re even talking about a Buffalo Bills game as a challange just make sme want to eat my hat. What a terrible season.

Special thanks to Dolly 1951 from Rube Chat for another great game day preview graphic!

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/chillymiami.png
Here’s a little humor for your day:
That image you see above is an honest to god genuine Tweet for some people called Football Rumor Mill. I have no idea how legitimate they are, but when this is the first statement you ever see from someone, I wouldn’t blame you if you throw their validity into question. I know I sure did. Childress coaching the Miami Hurricanes? Da U? Thug U? Are you fucking kidding me? That would be probably the worst coaching hire in the history of organized sports, right behind when Childress was hired by the Vikings the first time. Can you IMAGINE what that scene would be like? Childress would get fucking stabbed there, several times a day. Brad couldn’t put up with Percy without almost getting into a fist fight, and someone really thinks that he’d walk into the U and not get gang banged? I would actually pay the rest of his buyout to see this happen, over several years at a fixed interest rate. It would decimate the Hurricane program for DECADES, which would be fantastic too. Fuck those guys, especially Warren Sapp, who hates Minnesota, and Bryant McKinnie who has half assed his entire career, but is quietly putting up a solid season in 2010. Whatever. Make it happen.

http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2010/02/01/alg_michael_vick.jpg
Fans are idiots apparently:
Another terrible event this week was the apparent “BREAKING NEWS!!!” that people kept reporting of how the Minnesota Vikings were prepared to offer Michael Vick a RECORD BREAKING DEAL this off-season so he would become the Vikings new quarterback in 2011. This is news people! Bullshit news, of course, because once we all tracked down the source of this bullshit conversation, we found out it actually just came from Bleacher Report, and THAT stupid fucking article was based off another Tweet much like the Childress to Miami rhetoric. First, do people not understand that Bleacher Report is a bunch of the worst kind of fans sitting around writing and throwing whatever shit will stick to walls? They are monkeys typing out sonnets in a room, except even that’s romanticizing it all a little bit. It’s the internet version of a Friedberg and Seltzer movie. Just the god damn worst. There has never been anything posted on Bleacher Report EVER that is true or original, and it’s all done by people like me who were to lazy to start their own blog by clicking “I agree” on the terms and conditions on blogger.com. I have no idea why people still reference that shit hole site, and it makes me fucking furious when they do. Sometimes, internet, I just want to strangle you while masturbating. …. what? Also, the outrage that soon poured out from Vikings fans who thought this was real over the team possibly signing Michael Vick was almost worst. “BUT HE MADE DOGS FIGHT. FUCK THAT ANIMAL KILLER.” Please. He was just helping nature take it’s natural course! And then he went to prison for it. And now he’s out and is an awesome football player again. Brett Favre took pictures of his dick and sent them to young women, was highly known as a womanizer, and sang “Hey we want some puuuuuussssaaayy!” at a bikini contest in the early ’90s. Why aren’t we villainizing him? Fucking hypocrites. Get Vick on this team. Shit would be awesome.

http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/08VcfGc7G6cvV/610x.jpg
Good riddance to Eric Bieniemy:
Also of note this week is reports that former Colorado Buffalo running back and current Minnesota Vikings running backs coach, Eric Bieniemy, is heading BACK to Colorado to become their offensive coordinator. To this we of course say good fucking riddance, Bieniemy. Thanks for ruining three out of four of Purple Jesus’ best years as a running back with your shitty emphasis on him running behind blockers (See: Tahi) and hand cuffing him since his rookie season. Wait, you mean the rookie season in which he averaged 5.6 yards per carry and you refused to start him because he was a rookie? The season where he broke the single game rushing record by putting up a modest 196 rushing yards? Well, don’t worry Eric! I’m SURE you can pat yourself on the back now and say “Well, yes, but look at how he has protected the ball this season! And he scored more touchdowns in his second year, you know!” BECAUSE YOU FINALLY FUCKING STARTED HIM. And who cares if Purple Jesus hasn’t fumbled this year. The team fucking sucks. The only thing I can look forward to on Sundays is him stiff arming someones face through their skull or shattering their ankles on a breath taking cut back. But no. Your stupid running coaching has taken those abilities and options away from him. So go back to Colorado, you piss balloon thrower, and stay the hell away from my teams.

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/favredatass.jpg
Meme of the week:
  The meme of the week is a failing little section we do in the weekly preview where we look at the best and brightest of internet toilet bowl humor and try to relate it to football and the Vikings in tired and lame ways. Since this started, you have met Bachelor Frog, Rich Raven, Politically Neutral Dog, Philosoraptor, Sexually Oblivious Rhino, Courage Wolf, Photobombing Daniel Craig, Conspiracy Psyduck, the Hitler video, Disaster Girl, Successful Black Guy, and last week’s reactionary meme “Deal with it.” I love that one. This one is for the men out there (Or maybe a woman who appreciates a tight end … football reference!) called “Dat Ass.” The meme originated from a still photo from some guy called Rich Boy when he was on MTV when they still did music and shows. Must of been 1998 then. But his face was caught showing him biting his bottom lip, and people used it to assume he was looking at a fine specimen of buttocks. It’s grown since then, and “Dat ass” has been used whenever an image of someone biting their lower lip with or without glasses is seen. Usually it’s used by people in message boards to react to a sexy lady picture, but not used cavalierly. I mean, if you see a white girl ass that’s kind of flat, this would be TOTALLY inappropriate to use. It has to have quite the bubble, enough so you could set your glass of scotch on it. Or …. or … maybe you can imagine that this is what Favre is saying every time he bends over Sullivan to take a spike. “Hutt one! Hutt two … …… Dat ass ….”

http://www.forpeatsake.com/Images/Bottles/Highland_Park/Highland_Park_Highland_Park_12_Years_Old_12_.jpg
Scotch of the week:
This month we’re dropping some peatier scotches on you. If you did not know, there are actually three kinds of peat in Scottish whiskeys. I always thought there was just one, and it was usually unpleasant, but not so! There are; 1. More of the sea tasting peat, with iodine, seaweed or salt spray 2. More of the floral peat with hints of heather and maltiness and 3. More of the forestry peat with the smokey flavor, campfire taste, and zero hint of that briney sea mouthfeel. This week, we’re highlighting the Highland Park 12 scotch from Orkney, which is about as far north as you can go in Scotland for distilleries. The Highland Park hits at 43% delicious alcohol, and is 20 parts per million. It’s light amber in color, and has a nice heather and honey note to it, not coming off as too salty or peaty. The taste is rich and offers a bit of maltiness to it. It has a nice long finish too (like me inside your mom), and lingers with the best of them. It’s a highly recommended buy and very easy to drink. No surprises in it, and easy to get in to. Again like your mom? BOOYA!!

http://elliottharris.com/blogs/media/blogs/a/buffalo_jills.jpg.jpg
Frozen ass from Lake Erie:
So the Buffalo Bills have a collection of cheerleaders called the Jills, which is just such a pleasant play on words that it makes me smile. And much as I would suspect for a collection of females from upper New York, they are quite the motley crew of individuals. You have all ethnic groups represented in this one picture alone, pretty much, and it covers a wide range of levels of attractiveness too. It’s surprising that a city so far away from New York City (where I imagine is the greatest selection of melting pot women) would offer such representation. I mean, they have to all live near Buffalo. I don’t see them all driving up there eight times a year from the City just to cheerlead. What about guest appearances and such? That’s a lot of driving! And they probably don’t get reimbursed. Also, the Jills suffer from cheering for a cold weather team that has an outdoor stadium, so they often have to wear the long pants, running jackets, and ear muffs, which don’t really make me go six to midnight if we’re being honest. On the plus side, these ladies do probably have to line their bones with solid meat and potato fair to keep themselves warm, and that’s kind of sexy. So cheers for that.

http://assets.espn.go.com/media/motion/2010/1201/com_101201nfl_CDDAccu_BUF_MIN.jpg
Losing team predictions:
I’m not really sure what to make of this game. On one hand, I have been feeling pretty confident this entire season, actually ever since the schedule came out, that the Vikings could beat the Bills and pen this one in as a win. But the Bills don’t actually seem to be TERRIBLE, and I think they have a chance to sneak out with a win. The concern lies in the Vikings pass defense, which has been riddled all season long. It sounds like Chris Cook has still been out with swollen knees, and that the coaching staff has just been flipping a coin to determine whether or not to go with Asher Allen or Cook. In other words, there’s not a lot of confidence there. And the Bills, while not prolific in their offense or anything, have found a groove with Fitzpatrick at QB to be more than serviceable. They can move the ball fine and hit you with a deep threat. Steve Johnson and Lee Evans are both fine receivers, and may have the edge there. On the other hand though, their run defense is really poor. If Purple Jesus is healthy, he could have a field day to the water park. Shit, even the Albino Rhino could run wild on these guys. Their linebackers are poor, and their front four is decent. If the Vikings offensive line can hold up, the running game could have a big day. And I really think that’s what we’ll see. Frazier showed last week he has a plan and he’s going to stick to it, no matter what you nerd fans want to see. I think Favre and Bevell will continue to work to mix up the offense with roll outs, play action, and utilize the middle of the field where Shanko should be open on their linebackers. The Vikings SHOULD win this game, but I’m a lot more uncertain about it than I was back in April when I first heard about it. I’ll give the Vikings one more week of being on a coach-firing high, and see them quietly manage a win to the tune of 24-17.

Leave your game predictions or keys to the game in the comments. Also, feel free to harass us on Twitter, follow us and post memes or internet lore on Facebook, or just e-mail us your finds if you’re too lazy. Regardless, enjoy the game, as the NFL season is heartbreakingly coming close to the end already, and stop back Monday where we’ll have the game recap. See you then.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

Quantcast