PJD’s Masturbatory Game 15 Preview – Oh, We’re Going to Get Prison Pounded

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Oh god, do we have to?
Someone quick check; what are the rules for forfeiting a game in the NFL? Is it possible? Do the Vikings really have to pack everyone up and take them out east over the holidays to play in a game that they are two touchdown underdogs in? Can they just throw in the towel now? Is that embarrassing? Oh god, it’s embarrassing, isn’t it. Other teams will look at that and think the Vikings are a bag full of pussies, of unprofessional cunt wagons who refuse to stand up for themselves when the going gets tough. Well I promise you Vikings, I don’t think of you that way! Or at least I won’t if you forfeit. It would actually save me a ton of stress over the holiday weekend! I wouldn’t have to sneak away from my family to watch a Sunday night game, on the road, in a hostile environment, in a primetime slot, that the Vikings are going to get treated like a high school cheerleader at football practice. I won’t have to stay up and write faux-angry blog posts about a bunch of guys that won’t even be on the team next year either! That would make my holiday so great. … But that’s not how it works, is it? No. I apparently have been a BAD boy this year, real, real, naughty, and the Vikings are giving me what I deserve, what ALL of us deserve for having let Brett Favre into our arms so openly (I blame Feisty Fingers); two more shitty games that will crush our souls when we should be doing something productive. Hurray! Thanks, Vikings. For nothing.

/Bah-humbug.

And special thanks to Dolly1951 from Rube Chat for another game day graphic preview!

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Uh, I would take Michael Vick on this team:
With that said, those Eagles are a real nice team. Remember when we could have had Desean Jackson in the 2008 NFL Draft instead of Tyrell Johnson? Also, after Tyrell, Matt Forte was selected too. Just a little 20/20 hindsight for dat ass today. *sigh* But I would love to have NFL problems like the Eagles right now. Oh shoot! They’re in a rebuilding season with a young team in Kevin Kolb and Lesean McCoy! Or … OR! They are good to go right now with Michael Vick, Desean Jackson and Jeremey Maclin. Ever since Vick returned to the NFL, people have been asking hypothetically if the Vikings should pick up Vick at QB. Well, clearly, Philly won’t let him get away now, so it’s not an option, and if we WOULD have nabbed Vick when he was available, I have zero confidence our current or former coaching staff could have coached him into the passer he’s turned into under Andy Reid. Childress a QB guru my ass. And people want to still harp on him about the dog fightings. HE MADE DOGS PLAY OUT NORMAL ANIMAL NATURE, THEN HE WENT TO JAIL FOR IT, BUT I’M NOT GOING TO FORGIVE HIM FOR IT BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT’S RIGHT AND WRONG BETTER THAN THE LEGAL SYSTEM. Fuck you. Dante Stallworth killed a guy in his car, drunk, and had like 12 days in a county jail. And you want to be pissed at Vick? It’s fucking dogs. They’re cute as shit, but it’s a fucking dog. Jesus. These are the type of people that leave a million dollar bequest to their animal instead of helping homeless people or cancer research. Assholes. And if he was wearing purple and winning? You would SO turn the other cheek, I just know it.

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Favre can’t pass a concussion test: The Star Tribune was reporting yesterday that Brett Favre wasn’t able to pass the teams’ concussion tests that they have in place so he could practice and potentially look at starting on Sunday. I mean, clearly the chances of him starting were slim to none anyway, but I would guess this kind of seals the deal, like an extra goat in a marriage exchange. Fuck yeah, I’ll take that. Which is good, because I think we’re all in agreement that Favre was probably just going to die if he suited up again, meaning, we still got a shot in Detroit! My big attraction to this article though was wondering what exactly they were giving Fav for a concussion test. Oh, sure, I bet they claim it’s all standard coordination, response, and memory stuff, but with Favre I’m pretty certain you have to dumb it down even further. “What’s the color of green grass? Are you older right now or the day you were born? Do you have a penis (NOTE: Acceptable to check with Sterger).” Because really, you ask him any normal questions and you’re going to be like “Well, he answered these all wrong today, but he answered them all wrong when he took his initial physical to sign with us, sooo …. good to go? Alright! Go die a good one for us, old man!” He shouldn’t ever come back, if he still has a brain left. Just die off into the sunset, fella.

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Meme of the week: he meme of the week is a failing little section we do in the weekly preview where we look at the best and brightest of internet toilet bowl humor and try to relate it to football and the Vikings in tired and lame ways. Since this started, you have met Bachelor Frog, Rich Raven, Politically Neutral Dog, Philosoraptor, Sexually Oblivious Rhino, Courage Wolf, Photobombing Daniel Craig, Conspiracy Psyduck, the Hitler video, Disaster Girl, Successful Black Guy, “Deal with it“, “Dat Ass“, Victory Baby, and last week’s trip back into time with Joseph Ducreux. This week we’re featuring another favorite called “Hipster Kitty.” Hipster Kitty is a total douchebag, much like any hipster you’ve ever met. They’re too cool for the mainstream albums from Atmosphere, they wear skinny jeans and scarfs in the dog days of August, and they most certainly hate football, as it’s seen as just a consumerist hell run my the profit making fat cats in parliament. Wait, parliament? Yeah, this asshole WOULD say something like that. Hipster Kitty is also the type of kitty that would say something like the above, which is actually pretty close to what the Vikings run, which also reminds me of Childress, which then makes me hate Hipster Kitty even more. Bastard.

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Scotch of the week: This week’s scotch wraps up the peaty blends we’ve been highlighting this month, and also is my favorite out of all of the peaty ones listed thus far. As a recap on peat, a reminder that there three kinds; 1. a heather, floral peat 2. a salty, briny sea water peat and 3. a smokey, campfire and foresty kind of peat. Today’s selection runs more in line with the smokey camp, but does have a bit of salt on it’s taste. This is the Lagavulin 16 from Islay. It’s fairly outstanding. It has a dark amber color which reminds me of the bush on Red Sonja, and in addition to the salty taste, almost has a bit of sweetness in it like dried fruit, and a brassy tinge. The finish is what sells this scotch though, as it hits you hard with a late smoke flavor that tightens your butthole, and then just last FOREVER on the tongue, unlike you in the bedroom. It’s a really unique finish, and one that lets you sip it longer because you don’t end up looking all quizzically at the glass being like “Huh? Where you go, scotch?” No, you know where it went, because it’s still lingering on your tongue box. Also, it pairs well with some dark chocolate, like 87% cacao, or even blue cheese. Tell your girlfriend that and she’ll buy the chocolate, I’m sure. 

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Holiday cheer from Philadelphia: OK, I don’t actually have any idea if this lady is even part of the Eagles cheerleading squad or not, but for argument sake, it doesn’t really matter. If I was to make a guess, I’d actually say she’s with the Redskins base on the running track/field sideline colors, but what the hell do I know. Two things here. First, the Eagles handle their cheerleaders (platonically!) in a way that is vastly different from the rest of the league. Most organizations treat their cheerleaders as attractive, yet not overly sexed representatives of the organization. Like the Vikings, they’ll sell a cheerleader bikini calendar, but also try to make the girls appear respectful to young kids by highlighting their education, volunteer efforts, and youth camps. The Eagles? They don’t play that shit. Their website for their cheerleaders is about as close to soft core porn as you can get without flipping to Mad Men. It’s crazy. … And highly recommended. Secondly, the Santa (or alternately known as the “Mrs. Clause”) outfit will always get a “thumbs” up in my book. I quoted thumbs to make you think I really meant “penis”, FYI. In fact, I need to go off and do some quick Christmas shopping for the wifey right quick …

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Bonus Christmas Song of the Week! We’re running out of current and relevant things to talk about with a team that’s almost as bad as the Lions. I’m trying to not do too much forward looking and draft talk and free agency speculation because that’s what the offseason is for around here when I’m low on material. I just make shit up (like usual). So instead, I am offering you a bonus section today featuring one of my favorite Christmas songs by The Drifters; “White Christmas.” The best part about this song, and you can do this with YOUR family, is it’s easily repeatable (for the most part) and you don’t really need instruments to sing it with a family member. There are plenty of other acceptable options for songs this weekend (WHAM! anyone??), so if you have a different option put it in the comments.

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Homewrecker predictions: This is the homewrecker predictions because, yes, that’s pretty much what we’re predicting is going to happen to the Vikings this game. It’s going to be like that meat head pool boy with the huge man stick that just TEARS your girlfriend up before dropping her back off at home asking for a split. It’s going to be like listening to a full album from Ja Rule. It’ll be like watching back to back episodes of Two and a Half Men. I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it through. I actually have this memory of the Vikings versus the Falcons in Vicks first or second year when the game went to overtime and the Falcons had it early. The Vikings just needed some basic stops (obviously) but in one swift motion Vick took the ball 50+ yards and ran it in for the win and then down the tunnel and into history. It was embarrassing, and he absolutely curb stomped us. I see that same shit happening again, except it might be worse. I mean, Vick could easily do this again through the air or on the ground. It doesn’t really matter, because with our shitty defense and his stellar growth and play this year, both options are open to him. And with a rookie QB in Joe Webb most likely starting again (and a questionable Purple Jesus, which really just breaks my heart), this offense is going to be more lifeless than your Halloween date (Psst! It was a zombie). Final score? We’ll be lucky if it’s ONLY 37-13.

So, uh … enjoy the weekend? And the most likely horrible football game? Hey, at least we’ll move up in the draft guys! You have to look at the positives. As usual, keep checking in on our Twitter feed, like us on Facebook and suggest us to your friends (that would be a really nice holiday gift, actually …), or feel free to e-mail us questions, concerns, or self taken shots in the mirror. Of your sister.

And be sure to stop back on Saturday (CHRISTMAS, WAHHH???!!) for a special photoshop present from PJD’s family to yours!

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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