PJD’s Masturbatory Game 16 Preview – OK Ladies, Let’s Just Get This Over With

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Holy crap, this season needs to end:
Amirite, gais?! From Favre’s return after the three wise men were sent to get him, to Percy’s increase in games missed due to migraines, dome collapses, coach firings, division ass beatings, Greg Camarillo, TarVar appearances, two games in Detroit, cock shots, zero production from Jn, and threats of moving to Los Angeles, I would appreciate it very much if this season would kindly tuck it’s dick between it’s legs, turn around, and walk the fuck out the door. I am so through with you. Bring on 2011 with dreams of new quarterbacks, skill players in their prime, new coaches, stadium momentum, and a fresh batch of cheerleaders that may or may not be right around 19 years old and busty. But get some new cheerleader uniforms already. I can’t fap to those. Regardless, when all is said and done 2010 was totally forgettable. No memorable wins, very little to hang our hopes on, and the only things I can point to and say were awesome are the videos of the Metrodome roof collapsing. I could watch that shit for hours. Either way, it still sucks and I hope 2010 can be stricken from the record book.

Special thanks to Dolly1951 from Rube Chat for another game day graphic!

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More Lions wanking:
I’m well aware that I did a whole lot of jacking off to the Lions already this morning, but we should actually talk about their team and not just how cool it is that their coach listens to Judas Priest to get him pumped up to make personnel decisions. Again, the Lions have a nice little team they’re building over there. A LEGIT team, even. Ndamukong Suh might already be the best defensive tackle in football. Kyle Vanden Bosch is like 43 years old and still going strong as a fantastic pass rusher. They picked up Corey Williams at another DT spot, who has revitalized his career and is playing great, and have been able to get competent play out of their linebackers. Their front seven is nice. Their defensive backs are hurting, though, but they are in great position to draft a top flight cornerback in the upcoming draft which will shore that problem up sooner than later, too. Offensively, Matthew Stafford is a huge douchebag who can’t stay healthy, but a pretty decent young quarterback when he is. Calvin Johnson might be one of my most favorite receivers after Randy Moss, and they are litered with neat little skill position guys all over the field, including Jahvid Best, Brandon Pettigrew, and Stafon Johnson, and former South Dakota “Touchdown, YOTES!” That’s a rather likeable team, kids.

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Will they clear Favre to let him die?
It is sounding like Brett Favre has once again failed a concussion test as recent as Thursday. They’ll probably let him take the test on Sunday morning because the medical staff are a bunch of pussies who can’t say no to him, but I really hope they don’t let Favre play. I actually think it’d be pretty magical if his last game was at TCF Bank against the Bears. That game sounds so much more romantic – and DRAMATIC! – for someone’s last game (considering conditions, intrigue about him playing, etc, etc) than beating or losing to the Detroit Lions on their field in a clearly meaningless game. Boo. Let Joe Webb play, let him come back down to earth so we can stop swallowing his spunk and realize we DO in fact need a QB for the future outside of him, let Favre collect $600,000 for sitting on the sidelines for a quarter, and call it a career. I think he was in a mental prison after trying to keep his starting streak alive for so long, and now that he hasn’t played football on a Sunday it’s a bit easier for him to say “Hey, this shit isn’t too bad either, not getting beat up and almost dying. Maybe I’ll do THIS for a career!” That means retirement. Do it, you prick! And don’t talk about my team ever again.

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E-mail? Reader Kingloud actually wrote us (!!!) and asked the following question:

Hey PJD!  I don’t watch much collegiate Football, but what players and Bowl games should I be watching to start boning-up for the upcoming Vikings 2011 Draft?

Well, it probably would have been helpful if I had answered this before half the bowl games were over, but if you have access to ESPN3 you can always go back and watch them. In that case you’d want to go back and watch the Iowa and Missouri game, as they featured two QBs the Vikings may consider in Blaine Gabbert from Missouri (more likely) and unbelievably Ricky Stanzi from Iowa, who people have been talking about. Stanzi played like shit though, and Gabbert put up big numbers and had a huge, dumb, ugly interception that cost them the game. You’ll probably also want to rewatch the Nebraska and Washington game to catch Nebraska’s cornerbacks Prince Amukamara and Alfonzo Dennard, and Washington’s QB Jake Locker. The Nebraska corners played lights out, making Locker look like a cum stain on the sheets, but then he got some mojo in the second half and ran the ball well and made smart reads on plays. His passing numbers were shit though, so I hope we’d only draft him to be Gerhart2.0. Other games you can actually watch LIVE coming up include Wisconsin and TCU in the Rose Bowl for Wisconsin’s OT Gabe Carimi, Alabama and Michigan State so you can particularly watch Bamas DT Marcell Dareus and WR Julio Jones, Ohio St and Arkansas for Arkansas QB Ryan Mallett (the Derek Anderson doppelganger), LSU and Texas A&M for LSU’s CB Patrick Peterson (fucking stud), and then of course the championship game for Auburn QB Cam-puter Newton. Other names to keep an eye out for that I’m not going to link to are Oklahoma State’s WR Justin Blackmon, Colorado OT Nate Solder, Georgia’s WR AJ Green, Stanford’s QB Andrew Luck (zero chance), and Florida C Mike Pouncey. Get to watching!

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Meme of the week: The meme of the week is a failing little section we do in the weekly preview where we look at the best and brightest of internet toilet bowl humor and try to relate it to football and the Vikings in tired and lame ways. Since this started, you have met Bachelor Frog, Rich Raven, Politically Neutral Dog, Philosoraptor, Sexually Oblivious Rhino, Courage Wolf, Photobombing Daniel Craig, Conspiracy Psyduck, the Hitler video, Disaster Girl, Successful Black Guy, “Deal with it“, “Dat Ass“, Victory Baby, Joseph Ducreux, and last week’s Hipster Kitty. This week we feature the meme called “Forever Alone” which is a spin off of the so far unmentioned here Rage Guy (You know, FFFFUUUUUU …). Forever Alone guy is just that, forever alone. He’s the nice guy at the party, he’s the awkward response giver, he’s kind of just like Brett Favre will be after he retires, I imagine, as the above image shows. Sucker. You deserve every bit of it.

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Scotch of the week: Wait! That’s not scotch! Correct you are. It’s some weird ass brandy from South Africa. How did I end up with some brandy from South Africa? No, I did not go to kidnap some cute black babies to distribute them to wealthy Americans, nor did I go find some blood diamonds to decorate my wife’s neck with. This brandy was a gift. A surprising gift, and one that is kind of delicious. The name of this is Copper Classique (fancy!) from the KWV House of Brandy. The bottle I have was in limited release and is a Ginger Liqueur. Do you like ginger things? I mean, ginger tasting things, not gingers like red headed people. No one likes people with red hair. If you like ginger ale though, you would probably like this. It has interesting flavor that works well in the depths of winter, meaning, it burns when it goes down your throat (that’s what she said). Regardless, you’ll probably not be able to pick this up at your local alcohol store as my bottle is only one of 4200 in the world (success!) but I wanted to tell you about it anyway.

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Detroit Lionessessssess: The Lions don’t actually have official team cheerleaders. But they have a cheer team. But they can’t actually do organized cheers. So … they’re like a dance team? I have no idea what this all means, but it’s making me upset and now I am liking Detroit less than before, which also pisses me off. And why would they do this? They have a lovely collection of eclectic ethnicities and hair colors in their spirit team! WELCOME and HONOR that diversity, especially in a place like Detroit! Do you think they flew the women in from … anywhere else? They had to have. No way there are still humans of any kind living in Detroit. I thought they were all mole people by now.

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Lackadaisical Predictions: So does anyone really care what happens in this game? Are we hoping Joe Webb (Mr. Tuesday, I call him!) gets to start again and show more flashes of his game he showed against the Eagles? Or are we hoping Favre gets one last hurrah, dies, and then helps our draft position? I haven’t stayed too much up on whether or not the Lions are injured or whatever, but it shouldn’t matter. The Vikings, as shitty as they are, should still be the better team here. I mean, earlier in the season the Vikings beat the Lions kind of without question, and that was with Childress at the helm and sans Squid Rice. With this in mind, I would LOVE to say the Vikings walk through this game easily, but I think Tuesday night was the team’s bowl game this year, and all the Vikings have now checked out just as much as I have. The Lions, on the other hand, have a chance to get to THIRD PLACE in the NFC North for what must be the first time in two decades, and get the team to six wins only two years removed from the 0-16 debacle. Poignantly, they probably have more to play for, on their home turf. I’ll give them the edge because no one cares at this point, and say the Lions win 23-21. What a nail biter!

Regardless, enjoy the game, the season, and be safe on your New Year’s Eve drunken debacle. As usual, make sure to follow us on Twitter during the game so we can live chat, find us on Facebook to leave us pictures and comments and stuff, and e-mail us questions or media. We actually got one this week! FUCK YEAH! See you Monday for a recap.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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