PJD’s Masturbatory Game Five Preview – Early Season Toilet Bowl

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Things I never would have guessed: If you would have told me that these two 2010 playoff teams would be sitting at 1-3 at this point in the season, with another loss probably sealing their fates of sucking lemon in 2010, I probably would have told you “Yes, there this is a distinct possibility”. But that’s because the NFL is fucking boring and full of professionals that make more money in a week than times I’ll ever masturbate. And trust me, I’m giving a seventh round pick a run for his money. But regardless, here we are, the Minnesota Vikings and the Dallas Cowboys playing a game of desperation on Sunday that I’m sure will come off as such too, that will be seen by a large portion of the country that is most likely cheering for Brett Favre’s death, as am I. But let’s at least get one win first, right? And in the meantime, we can all find one consensual cause to rally around in the destruction of Romo, Jerry Jones, and anything Texas. Texas fucking sucks. It should have been four states. And their uniforms never match colors either. Sending those pompous loudmouths to 1-4 on the season when they still have almost all of their division games left to play would give me an erection harder than calcium deposits. It would also mean that the Vikings would get back to 2-3, which isn’t too far off from where I really expected them to be at this point in the season. I hate to sound like an eternal optimist here, ladies, but the Vikings are still in this thing! Now, let’s just see how badly Favre can fuck it all up!

Special thanks to Randle9311 from Rube Chat for another great Game Day Preview graphic!

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The dick jokes just keep “coming”: You probably didn’t notice the subtlety with which I referenced Favre, penis, and ejaculation in that short section headline, so you might want to re-read it. But thanks to follower bigmono on Twitter (Ladies, don’t make out with Mono-boy there), he was the first to alert me to the video of Favre getting hit in the dong with a football, which of course is both poignant and hilarious. It’s the perfect kind of comic relief to end a week of ups and downs about penis pictures in the media, like adding a cherry to your sundae, a triple play to your perfect game, or a happy ending to your Chinese massage. My favorite part is how unless you’re watching REALLY closely at the beginning, you may almost miss the ball to the crotch. But then you just see him drop like Percy Harvin on a practice field and you KNOW the ball just grazed the tip of his junk. And while I hate Favre with all of my Satan heart, watching a man experience the pain of a blunt object to the genitals isn’t something I really wish upon anyone, especially when you can pin point the exact moment when the pain really starts moving up to his stomach. Fuck. That feeling is the absolute worst, without a doubt. Is that how a cunt punch feels for a woman? I’ve always wondered … maybe Feisty Fingers can enlighten us, however I already know that the only punching she’s ever been a part of was on a cheating boyfriend and his asshole. He now walks like he has a full diaper all the time, FYI.

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When will Keith Brooking cry? Savy readers will recall last year’s playoff game between the Vikings and the Cowboys and point to one shit smear above all of Dallas’ surprising bag of dick heads. That of course would be the ever cock-like looking Keith Brooking who cried for fucking MONTHS about the Vikings scoring a touchdown on the hapless Dallas defense at the end of the game. Even yesterday this shit was brought up by people in the media, because I’m sure Brooking has been waving his white panties in the air all off season, begging for someone to feel sorry for him outside of his gender bending prostitute. Here’s what Brad Childress had to say about it in Thursday’s media call (from Tom Pelissero’s Twitter):

“The easiest thing to do is to get a first down, and that’s all we tried to do is get the first down. We happened to score. It’d probably be a good idea to cover the (expletive) guy.”

I’m guessing he said “cover the damn guy”, because there is no way Brad Childress swears in a cool manner in front of the microphone. But for once I agree with this puss-bag. It was a fucking playoff game, Keith, a game in which we won handily. You want us to let up on your shaft of a throat so you can get back into the game? Fuck you. And it’s not like your retard squad was going to beat the Saints anyway. They already strip searched you three weeks before that. Just … Dammit, you are such a lazy cunt, Keith. You can’t retire soon enough.

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How’s this for nightmare material: Did you know Brett Favre’s daughter, Brittany Favre, WHO HAD A CHILD OUT OF WED LOCK, THAT HUSSY, has a Twitter account? She does. And while I’m sure you’re plenty sick of me talking about that gay little blue Twitter bird all of the time, I wanted to just share with you that she already has her son, Brett Favre’s grandson, Parker Favre, wearing FUCKING WRANGLERS. I look at this in two seperate ways. 1) That’s fucking awesome. That kid is going to be drinking XXX liquor and shootin’ possum by the time he’s six and 2) I weep for humanity. You really can only fall on one side of this or the other, and really, the side I’m falling on is give that fucking kid a contract already because this team needs a young franchise QB like I need to sure my face rash. ? ….. Also of note, she apparently has a blog that she started for this season. I know, I didn’t think they knew how to use the internet OR knew how to write in Mississippi either. Naturally, a lot of it deals with her son that can’t even fucking walk yet (Pfft!), but every once in a while she does post pictures of herself that if you’re desperate enough you can definitely fap to them. FYI, fellas.

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Meme of the Week: The meme of the week is a failing little section we do in the weekly preview where we look at the best and brightest of internet toilet bowl humor and try to relate it to football and the Vikings in tired and lame ways. Since this started, you have met Bachelor Frog, Rich Raven, Politically Neutral Dog, Philosoraptor, Sexually Oblivious Rhino, and last week’s Courage Wolf, who I’m not sure went over as well as he should have. Naturally, I blame you, the reader. This week, we’re switching it up a little bit and going with a picture meme that has been around for a little bit, but it’s one I’ve found a recent affinity for. It’s called Daniel Craig Photobomb.The annals of history will tell us in the future of a whimsical moment in time, where prepubescent super star Taylor Swift was attempting to take a self-shot picture of her and a sexy friend when out of nowhere the dashing Daniel Craig ruined their moment in time by appearing in the background, staring rapishly into the camera and showing off the glory of his mustache. Honestly, I’m not sure who looks sexier in that picture. In order to not have the authorities come after me, I’ve vote for Craig officially. Regardless, what you see above is my interpretation of this meme that technically makes it Vikings related. BOOM! PHOTOBOMB!

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Scotch of the Week: This week’s scotch in the Oban Single Malt Scotch, 14 year. It’s a bit different than what I’m typically use to. I haven’t recommended too many scotches that have a peaty hint in their nose, because for some reason I have a negative connotation with peat. It’s not that it smells like seaweed, or a bit of campfire, or Double Deuce stripper armpit, but it’s just not my pallate preference. However, the Oban came highly recommended to me from another individual, and therefore I won’t turn it down. It also brings a hint of spiciness to it as well, but I think you definitely would be able to tell the difference between this, made at a seaside distillery, and one that I usually suggest, usually made more inland to escape the salty sea water infusion. Which is weird, because I would eat boxes of salt for a meal if I could, and because I couldn’t think of anything more refreshingly gay than having the wing whip through your face while out on the sea, like you’re a pirate or a sea captain in the 1500s. That’d be fucking awesome. I bet they drank all kinds of shitty scotch.

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Gratuitous Cowboy cheerleader: There’s not much to say about the Dallas cheerleaders. They are notoriously attractive and stereotypical in their blonde hair and ginormous breasticles. However, I think there’s something about them that is starting to seem dated. If you’ve been to Texas, specifically the Dallas-Fort Worth area, you know there’s just this pervading sense of the 1970s, and the Dallas TV show that still hasn’t left the area even though it is now 2010. It’s fucking weird, and I don’t know if I really like it. The Dallas cheerleaders are much like this. They were the hottest piece of ass in the NFL back then and into the 1980s, but 20-30 years later I have to struggle to find shit this tame on the internet. They need to mix it up. Get a red head or two. Change the uniforms. Make them not wear pants. I don’t know, I’m just throwing things out there. For some reason though, the Dallas cheerleaders drop below the Dolphins, Tampa Bay, Jets, and the Eagles as far as attractive ones go. I’m sure the Vikings are somewhere near the bottom, much like the team itself. Zing! Of course, this is all just complete mouth poop, because if we’re all being honest with each other again, we’d all prematurely ejac if any of these women happened to glance at our faces. Whoop! Almost did …

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Below .500 predictions: Are we all in agreement that if the Vikings lose this game that the season is over? I mean, I know they’d only be 1-4, which is pretty fucking bad but not a death sentence, but if we were all going to be realistic and not work each other up to a half chub we’d call this season game-set-match, right? That’s how I’m viewing it. I guess with that being said, I’m feeling pretty confident that the Vikings end up winning. Sure, Favre’s elbow is finally feeling the repurcussions of jackin’ it too much without switching hands (rookie mistake!) and he can only make about 70% of his throws. Sure, we could ask him to sit and start TarVar, but would he do it willingly, as some websites think possible? I don’t. I DO think TarVar could actually work well in throwing a deep ball to Moss. He wouldn’t hit him in stride AT ALL, but if it was anywhere close Moss could fight for it. A deep pass is one thing TarVar can do. Anything over three yards and under 30, however, he’s fucked. And even with Cedric’s ACL blowout, I think the defense will be fine against Dallas. The Cowboys are much like us, in that they’ve had one good offensive outing. This defense already shut down the Saints, the Dolphins, and what is looking like a surprisingly offensive Detroit team too in the same position they’re at now with injured cornerbacks, so I’m sure they’ll figure something out. Least of my worries there. I guess I just keep going back to the second half of the Jets game and seeing the offense finally coming into it’s own. I think Moss keeps people honest, Purple Jesus gets back on track for about 125 yards and a TD, Harvin flashes big again, and Shanko shows up again if he’s finally healthy. And it’s at home with the return of Moss, so I can only expect the crowd to will the team to at least a field goal. In that case, I’ll predict a 27 – 21 win. 2-3 baby, we’re coming!!

However, even if we DO lose this game, at least find solace in the fact that Randy Moss is wearing purple again, at least for a little while. That makes me happy, kind of. And remember to follow us on Twitter, as we’ll post our Tweets O’ the Game sometime in the future, follow us on Facebook for more off handed and stupid comments, and feel free to e-mail us any questions, hate mail, or animal’s in Viking jersey pictures at our Contact page. See you all Monday.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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