PJD’s Masturbatory Game Nine Preview – Bearing Down on your Mom

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Why hasn’t anyone been fired yet? I mean really. You can’t sit here and tell me that after the Vikings pulled a last minute, overtime win out of their smelly brown holes last week over the inept and listless Cardinals that people think everything is cool again, that Brad Childress should stick around, and that we’re back in this division and playoff race. Jesus, people. We just BARELY beat the Cardinals (3-5), kind of beat up on the Lions (2-whatever) and won against the Cowboys (1-aborted). People can’t still look at this team and scream to themselves “WE’RE COMING! WE’RE COMING! JA GOT HIS SACK FINALLY!” It’s just not happening. And yet here we are, where we win one single game, and all of a sudden Brett Favre’s broken foot is dandy, Percy Harvin’s ankle sprain is no biggie, Favre’s cock is an after thought, and Childress is still coaching this fucking team WHHHYYY???? Fire him already! We’re not going to do anything productive this season! This weekend we get to head to Chicago to face the Bears for the first time in 2010, and if by some magic rub of a genie lamp we pull this out, I can only imagine what type of retardery I’m going to have to put up with next week. “WE’RE BACK! ONE GAME FROM .500! BEASELY SCORED 42 POINTS!” I get it. Can we just try to temper expectations though, and remind ourselves that Childress is still here? It will go a long way towards restoring sanity, and keep me from gutting myself like a sea bass.

Special thanks to SharkJohnson from Rube Chat for another great game day preview graphic!

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Chicago: It smelled – A critical review:
I went to Chicago this past summer for the first time ever. I’ve lived in the Midwest my whole life, so never having been to Chicago before seems kind of odd, especially since I’ve been to New York three times and Paris twice. However, here I was in Chicago. It was a fine city. I saw Soldier Field from a distance and it looked like a rather enjoyable place. I walked around Wrigley Field and offered a collective shrug about the whole thing. I ate some pizza in Wicker Park and then went to a speak-easy joint that served over priced drinks that were only slightly better than what I can make at home. I didn’t get to masturbate into their water supply, which was a bit disappointing, but I did see Lake Michigan, their shitty tollways and a lot of city streets that smelled worse than a hobos ass crack. In conclusion, I would return there again some time to visit, but if I ever run into one of those typical Bears fans, Bulls fans, or other assholes who think they’re so otherworldly because they live in Chicago instead of Minneapolis, I’ll be pissed because I’ll have to go out of my way to remind them they’re just as big of a group of fat asses as any of the rest of us around the Great Lakes and just because you live in a big city doesn’t make you any better.

I also met a PJD reader and his friend’s out in Chicago as well, and that was quite pleasant. I didn’t rape them, much, so I think he felt the meeting went about as well as it could have. Also, did you know that they filled the climactic building scaling scene in “Adventures in Babysitting” on a building in Chicago? Loved that movie. Fucking Elizabeth Shue, making my pants tight.

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I love this fat ass: Pat Williams had some choice words for Chester Taylor, former Vikings running back who defected to the Bears this offseason, yesterday to some news floozies:

“I don’t care about no Chester,” he said. “He’s not on our team, so I really don’t care about him. if you aren’t on the Vikings, I don’t care about you. … That’s how I roll.

“Chester don’t even start, so we don’t worry about him right now. He ain’t the starting running back. He’s the backup, so we’re going to try and put the other back out and put Chester in there. At the end of the day, we don’t worry about Chester.”

“I don’t talk to him. I don’t call him to see how he’s doing,” Williams said. “He don’t call me, so what would I call him for. He’s gone. I ain’t going to waste my breath calling him. That’s a waste of time to call him. At the end of the day, I hope he’s doing bad. He’s probably thinking the same thing about me. If he ain’t thinking that way, that’s his bad. That’s how I’m thinking on Sunday. That’s how it is. I’m going to speak the truth. I ain’t going to lie.”

Hahaha you fat bastard, I love you. My favorite parts are how he cuts Chester down for not even starting, even though we’d all suck the filling out of a Twinky to have him back on this team instead of that retarded white kid, and how at the end of the day he hopes Chester is doing bad. Like he just wishes that when Chester comes home after a long practice, he finds that his condo was broken into, his TV was stolen, his dog ran away, and his wife left him. That would be a fucking terrible day, but Pat would probably just chuckle about it like a black Santa Claus. Can we make it so he never retires, or at least becomes defensive line coach and get rid of that leper looking Dunbar? I’d be OK with this.

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The football Yankees: Chester Taylor was only one of the marquee free agents that the Bears went after this offseason, effectively marking them as the Football Yankees. On top of Chester they also nabbed Orange Julius Peppers, who has been having a pretty lackluster season apparently. That makes me happy to a certain degree, but then it’s all dashed immediately when I remember how fucking drunk he made McKinnie look last season when the Vikings played Carolina and got entered forcefully from behind. I’m pretty sure it was that game when McKinnie had to sit for the entire second half because Peppers pimp hand was way strong, and also because our brilliant head coach who took us to a NFC Championship game that year failed to offer any type of max protect or chipping help when he knew McKinnie couldn’t stop Peppers. It sounds like people are focusing on him particularly this go-round, however, as Shanko had this to say about Peppers:

“You can’t have no wild lion running around the neighborhood, you know? You’ve got to go out there and get out the tranquilizers. We’ve got to tranquilize his ass.”

“You have to tranquilize his ass”. I would love to see Antoine wearing a safari cap on the sidelines drop to a knee early when the Bears defense takes the field, pull out a elephant tranquilizing gun, and just cap the shit out of this guy. You know Antoine’s got a steady hand to do it, too. Just *pop!* and BOOM, Julius is down and McKinnie can stop defecating his pants. And then I would laugh.

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Meme of the Week: The meme of the week is a failing little section we do in the weekly preview where we look at the best and brightest of internet toilet bowl humor and try to relate it to football and the Vikings in tired and lame ways. Since this started, you have met Bachelor Frog, Rich Raven, Politically Neutral Dog, Philosoraptor, Sexually Oblivious Rhino, Courage Wolf, Photobombing Daniel Craig, Conspiracy Psyduck, and last week’s Hitler video, which is actually a meme in it’s own right. This week I’m going back to more of the photoshopping, image memes like we saw with Daniel Craig and rolling with Disaster Girl, who really is another perfect fit for this team and this season. Know Your Meme describes here as a “very suspicious, devilish-looking little girl who any detective at the scene of this crime would want to question.” And if I saw her in the image above, I would pull her aside and say, “What do you know? Are YOU one of the people that leaked information to Sean Jensen this week about players not liking Childress? ANSWER ME BEFORE I MURDER YOUR FACE!!” But then she’d just stare back at me with that exorcist type smile and my eyes would explode and boils would rupture on my body. Tricky girl.

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Scotch of the Week: I feel like celebrating this week. I mean, sure, I don’t really believe that this success is going to be sustainable this year, but why not be happy about a win, right? Why not kick back and treat yourself to something nice, like a back rub, a morning jack off, or a scotch shower? Oh yes, I said a scotch shower. It’s like a beer shower that a lot of college kids do, but I have occasionally brought scotch into the shower. Not a lot. I mean, I’m not getting shit faced, passing out, cracking my head open on the tub and watching brain juice ooze down the drain or anything. No, I’m just enjoying a bit of scotch in the shower. You shampoo, drink some scotch, condition and let set, drink some scotch, body wash, scotch, face wash, scotch, zone out, and then finish your drink. It’s lovely. And to help you this week I recommend Aberlour a-Bunadh from Speyside (Highland). This scotch isn’t for any moment. It’s got a high percent of booze in it (59.7%) and could stand to let a little shower water into the glass to dilute it, but it’s well worth the reward of being in the middle of a winning week. The dark red and amber is reflective of the sherry cask it’s aged in. You’ll smell a bit of peat in it along with some sweet notes. When tasting, pay attention to the dried fruit and a bit of Christmas cake, or shortbread taste to it. It will have a hefty bite (like a sexy Twilight vampire, tell your wife) and a nice long finish. I gave this scotch a 4.5 star ranking on my sophisticated 5 star system. It means nothing, but enjoy. I can’t imagine how you wouldn’t. I mean, just look at how classy that picture above is!

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A couple of mama Bears: I don’t know why, but I always envision women from Chicago being similar to women from Boston. That being, kind of brusque, manish, and frightening. They may be like that in Philadelphia too, except with less teeth. Anyway, this is Sarah Spain. If people have been on the internet for a while, they remember her originally as the girl who sold herself off in to slavery so she could be the date for anyone who wanted to buy her so she could go to the Super Bowl that the Bears were miraculously in years ago. I always wondered; did she have to have sex with the winner, too? That was never explicitly part of the deal, but … come on. She’s now a fairly well known blogger, ALTHOUGH NOT AS WELL KNOWN AS ME!, and while I’m sure she’s very sound technically and an absolute delight to hang out with, I’ve never really enjoyed her. Partly because I think her antics aren’t very exciting. I’ve seen some of her clips where she interviews Chicago sports figures and it’s pretty generic, even worse than SportsCenter. The other part is that while I know that she knows that she’s just a fan, her fandom is annoying of the Chicago variety. For instance; “Derek Rose is the best point guard ever! Aren’t the Cubs just so much better than the White Sox?! Blackhawks hockey epic win, lolrcoaster!” Yawn. She needs to get back to what made her famous to begin with; showing off her huge tits and not saying anything. Oh, and also, kids need to start working at a younger age again, like nine. And I just don’t trust those Japanese. /Mad Men’d.

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Fearless Predictions: Despite me feeling that this team is pretty shitty, this year is a waste, and general feelings of cynicism and being disgruntled that we still have Childress as a head coach, the one team out there that sucks more than us is the Bears. And holy shit, they are terrible. It blows my fucking mind that they have four wins. I’ve been pretty pissed off at them ever since they were handed their week one win over the Lions because Calvin Johnson didn’t complete the catch process, or some wanking-motion-enducing bull shit. We’re just getting to the half way point of the season as well and the entire Mike Martz/Jay Cutler experience has gone down the shitter fast than a Taco Bell Chalupa (I’m imagining). I still remember Martz’s comments about Cutler after the Bears first training camp this summer, about how Cutler was like on some Jedi shit and was the smartest fucking quarterback he’s ever worked with. I don’t know why, but Chicago people ended up believing him, and it warms my heart to learn they’re all just as stupid as I imagine them to be. Cutler sucks, their offensive line hasn’t gotten any better with Mr. Tice around, Forte’s running isn’t his forte (!), and their defense just keeps getting older. I may not like our team’s chances this year, but I’m actually feeling pretty good about going against these assholes this weekend. Purple Jesus is a Bear killer, as the video so duly reminded you, and all I can think about is last year’s game how Childress called the first half plays and then Favre called the second half plays (probably) and in the second half the Vikings exploded for 30+ points and almost a win. I think the injuries this week (Harvin’s migraine, Asher Allen concussion, Ja swollen vulva) are much ado about nothing, and the Viking will ride their emotional current to a win. Childress will get out of the way because he knows Favre needs to “coach” for Childress to keep his job, and the defense will do just enough to make Cutler frown. That, and it’s a noon game, and Brett Favre won’t be sleepy then. Therefore, I’m seeing a 27-17 win. BOOSH WE’RE BACK BABY! Just fire the coach after the season, OK?

Other than that, enjoy the game. Make sure to come back here and tell me what an asshole I am either on Twitter, Facebook, or e-mail us shit because I love getting buzzed on my phone that someone has commented or sent me something in my e-mail. Hurray, I’m popular! Also, vote for the new poll on the sidebar, leave your drinking selection for this weekend in the comments, and find me videos of stupid Bears fans to make fun of. Let’s do work, ladies.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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