PJD’s Masturbatory Game Seven Preview – Ankle-Gate in New England

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Oh crap, do we still have to play these games? Well, great. I thought that with Favre Peter Griffining his injury up after every interception last week and the season apparently over with once the loss to the Packers was all nicely wrapped up that I’d be able to pretend that the Vikings don’t play for the rest of the season. I was going to get all sorts of SHIT done on Sunday. I was going to bleach my butthole, dust off the Hobbit for some light reading, then macrame for the entire afternoon. BUT NOW NO. Now I have to watch this shit head team play close for three quarters and then not be able to turn off the TV as a self hating old man dies right in front of my eyes. And I won’t turn away. It’ll be too engaging, like when you first saw 2 Girls 1 Cup, or the Packers lose to Arizona last year in the playoffs. And then the same shit will happen next week. I’ll watch Favre die on TV again instead of doing anything productive. And I’ll hate him even more for it, because watching Favre and this team fail in 2010 is ALMOST as enjoyable as watching them succeed last year, except that it’s still my fucking team. The only reason this will upset me is because after all these years we finally got Randy Moss back on the team only to blow this chance like a Taiwanese hooker on her last leg. At least we have Percy, Peterson, and …. Well that’s it for next year. Shit’s going downhill fast, starting NOW!

Special thanks to poster worst case scenario over at Rube Chat for another Game Day Preview Graphic!

 

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Tom Brady is going to murder us: Would you have ever though in a billion light years that the dude in the picture above would end up impregnating super models at rate faster than Travis Henry, win three Super Bowls, and grow his hair out like some Justin Bieber fan boy? Tom Brady fucking blows my mind, and the best part is you just KNOW Tom Brady doesn’t even care. He’s going to stroll into Gillette Stadium on Sunday and start throwing touchdowns all over the Vikings face like he’s with a horny waitress at a black tie event after party jacking off on her in the bathroom while she funnels top shelf vodka straight into his asshole. Sounds sexy, right? That’s because it is, and because Tom Brady is as cold as your mom’s vagoo. I would actually be surprised if Tom Brady and the entire Patriots team is even conscious of what team they’re anally penetrating this weekend. The Patriots defense will emerge after halftime, see their up 33-0, Childress has already been fired, and Favre has already had a funeral. They will then shrug and proceed to build TarVar’s casket by hand out of ancient Old World oak from the New England forests. …. Do they have forests there? I’m just assuming. It doesn’t really matter as they’ll just keep the Vikings alive during the game enough so they can fly their own asses home on Zygi’s check. Belichick is crafty like that.

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The things even I’M leaning about PJD: Reader College Wolf (that’s two mentions in one week!) was kind enough to alert me that PJD had been nominated for a Bloguin award, more specifically THE BEST FUCKING NFL BLOG ON BLOGUIN! It’s like halfway down the page. Keep looking. Now, let’s overlook the fact that there’s only like 12 NFL blogs on this network so far, but *I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d even be nominated for such a prestigious award!* /wanking motion. But really, this is kind of cool. So I encourage you to go and vote for two reasons. First, do it because it’s fun and you read this shit for free every day so make me feel like it’s not a total waste of time. Second, look at that fucking competition. We have a Lions blog, a Giants one, a Colts one, some teams no one ever cares about and then the blog about Guys Punching Large Footballs. BULL SHIT. Make me win this. Tell your friends I’ll buy them booze if you spread this message on Facebook and Twitter. Get it to feature on Digg or Fark. I don’t know. Please make my shallow little life worth SOMETHING.

Secondly, reader Eolufson alerted us that PJD has our own app for Android phones. FUCK YEAH, I BE IN YO POCKET ALL DAY!! This is pretty cool, because I think it’s free. My question is when can I get a free one for my iPhone? Just so I can download it, then pull my phone out at parties and be like “Check this shit out, my blog has it’s own app” and then get laughed at. Who cares. That’s awesome. Maybe some Bloguin insiders can tell me when the iPhone one comes out, but for now, if you have an Android, go download it and tell me if it’s titties or not.

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Do me a favor and vote for this dog: Well now I feel like an asshole and asking you to do a lot for me today, but this is a picture of one of my friend’s dogs dressed up like an Ewok for Halloween. He’s entered in a contest for the local shit radio station KDWB (Playin’ ALLLLlllll the hits!) where the winner gets $5,000 dollars. How about this. If they win because you all vote, I’ll convince them to buy a single round for anyone who can make it to a PJD meet up this year to watch a Vikings game. Only tap beer or rail drinks though. $5K doesn’t get you too far anymore, you know. You should also vote because this dogs name is Chewy. CHEWY! LIE THE STAR WARS CHARACTER, EXCEPT HE’S DRESSED AS A STAR WARS CHARACTER. It’s like Inception, man, so fucking deep.

This also made me wonder about Halloween themed shit for the Vikings. Like who would Jaen go as? A ghost, because he’s disappeared this season? *wah-wah-waaahhh* Maybe Bryant McKinnie could go as a turnstile? Randy Moss as the Prodigal Son? Adrian Peterson as Jesus, of course? I’m sure you have plenty of good ideas, so toss some in the comments and maybe we’ll feature those on Monday by picking out favorite and photoshopping it so we can pretend it was real.

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Meme of the week: The meme of the week is a failing little section we do in the weekly preview where we look at the best and brightest of internet toilet bowl humor and try to relate it to football and the Vikings in tired and lame ways. Since this started, you have met Bachelor Frog, Rich Raven, Politically Neutral Dog, Philosoraptor, Sexually Oblivious Rhino, Courage Wolf, Photobombing Daniel Craig, and last week’s Conspiracy Psyduck. That one was almost suspiciously appropriate for last week. This week is another one of my favorites that I can’t actually believe I haven’t gotten to before called Socially Awkward Penguin. He’s one of my faves because, well, it’s a fucking penguin, and also because a lot of his foibles all ring so very true. Like when you walk into a bathroom stall, stand at the urinal, and then accidentally make eye contact with the guy next to you? Or when you say buy a ticket at the movie theatre and the cashier says “Enjoy your movie” and you say “You too!” Yeah, that’s Socially Awkward Penguin, just like the one above. Oops.

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Scotch of the week: I’m going to be honest. I MAY have already recommended this scotch earlier in the year, but I’m at a point where I don’t exactly remember, likely because I’ve drank too much scotch. I know I’ve written about the single barrel 15 year which curls toes and wets vaginas, but I don’t remember this one. I bring this one back up because I just can’t stress enough how pleasing it is to drink. I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not I really enjoy this scotch or the Penderyn scotch the most, and right now I’m back on the Balvenie Doublewood 12 year. It’s rich, warming, long lasting, a solid choice by itself or on the rocks, and has a real sexy amber color to it. The color in the picture is almost too dark and doesn’t quite do it justice. It’s like finding a very olive skinned female that looks great without a tan. Or really, kind of like the mix between what you see on Karl Dunbar’s skin. Somewhere in the middle there. Gross.

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Drunken Boston breasts: Here’s the funny part about Cheerleaders from the Boston area; they can dress as slutty or revealing or provocative as they want to, but all I can think about in the back of my head is that they all talk like Matt Damon, drink Finnegan’s, do Irish Car Bombs, diarrhea all over public bathroom stalls, and that they could probably rape me while yelling “Hurry up and get haawd you stupid fawck!” That would be god damn terrifying, and totally not worth it. The only redeeming quality I can find in Patriot cheerleaders this weekend is that they’ll probably all be dressed up in slutty Halloween outfits, which is clearly the largest benefit of this holiday. The staples to be on the look out for can be found in this picture, but without looking you can rattle these suckers off easily. They include Sexy Dorothy, Sexy Pocahontas, Sexy Cop, Sexy Referee, and so many others. Naturally, you have to drop Sexy Cheerleader from that list, because that would just be like going to work dressed up as you from last week. Total cop out  move, and one that I regularly partake in. Suckers. Me last week is awesome.

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Predictions from an idiot: The photo above here is from the 2006 game against the Patriots when they came to the Metrodome on a Monday night and decide to show us how long dicked pimps make their money. I think I see Tony Richardson up there, and Troy Williamson even. Fucking wild. As Childress alluded to earlier this week when he was sounding like an asshole, the Patriots destroyed the Vikings in a surgical way, dismantling the 2006 season on a primetime stage by winning 31-7. There are some weird similarities to that game in 2010. Again, it’s KIND OF a primetime game, as this week the game is slated for the late afternoon, mostly national coverage. It’s also over Halloween weekend, as was the 2006 game. And again it’s reasonable to think the Patriots will stomp on the Vikings dick to a rather easy win. HOWEVER, I could totally see this game as the one the Vikings win this season that they totally shouldn’t. Listen, the season is in melt down mode. Everyone knows it. No one expects the Vikings to win this weekend, not even Deanna Favre. But with a young and mistake-prone Pats secondary, and a limited offensive Pats running game, the Vikings could keep this game close to the end and FINALLY pull out a close one which gets everyone all excited for the Favre magic again. Percy and PJ could have big days too. Will it be enough to get them the win? You know what? Fuck it. I’m going out on a limb, pumping that sunshine, drinking the Purple Drank, and picking the Vikings as victors, 31-27. BOOSH! TRICK OR TREAT, MOTHER FUCKERS??

So, after my prediction turns out to be terribly wrong come Monday morning, make sure to come back here and tell me what an asshole I am either on Twitter, Facebook, or e-mail us shitThis e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , which we actually like to get. Either way, there will be plenty to talk about like “Was Moss really worth a 3rd round pick”, “Was Brady’s hair part of his costume?” and “We can fire Brad Childress now, right?” I won’t answer that now though, largely because I don’t want to disappoint you. Sorry. See ya Monday.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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