PJD’s Masturbatory Game Ten Preview – Purgatory Mode

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So this team is still playing (*wanking motion*):
My god. Can we be done with this season yet? I don’t know about you, but I’ve spent this entire week listening to Paul Allen on KFAN and other people just casually discussing Vikings football, talking about slim chances, discussing Favre’s hurt shoulder, hyper-analyzing Purple Jesus’ speeding ticket, and on and on and on and on … and I don’t really care at this point. The KFAN people keep paying out scenarios where if we win this weekend, if the Bears slip up here or there, if the Packers keep getting bit by the injury bug, then wow, we could be one or two games out in the division with still a chance to play and …. Really? There is no chance of this happening. The season is over. It was done in week two when the Vikings lost to the Dolphins. Honestly. Digest that. The Dolphins are fucking terrible, with or without Chad Henne, and the Vikings got man handled by them. Let it go. The KFAN people also talk about how DANGEROUS and destructive apathy from the fan base can be, and they keep talking about how the fans CAN’T be apathetic, how they DO care, because look around! Look at how many people are just so upset about this season! People are crushed! They have the Vikings in their heart and they show their support by asking the organization to fire Childress! We can’t have apathy! That’s when the terrorists have won! Well, go fuck yourself, because I am apathetic as shit about this team right now. People who aren’t, who are still purchasing tickets, buying jerseys, sticking up for these asshats in public debate, or still find themselves visibly upset after another loss need to fucking die in a pillow fight, because this team is dead in the water. Months ago. It’s over. And quit telling me it’s not. Because even if these assholes ring off three wins in a row it won’t mean shit. That would actually make me NOT apathetic, because it’ll tease people with the chance that the team may do well, get the hype machine going, only for them to get blown out by the Eagles and then the Lions when they need the games most.

And it’ll have fucked up draft position for next year which will REALLY make me pissed off.

Thanks to l0ki from Rube Chat for another great game day graphic!

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Rice’s status:
There was a lot of talk this past week I suppose about how Sidney Rice, who has been out all season with bruised ovaries a hip surgery, was maybe going to come back and play against the Bears last week. Clearly he didn’t, but for two weeks now he’s been practicing and seeing how his hip holds up after practice. His status to play Sunday is still in doubt, and if he’s not on the active roster or something by like next Wednesday, he may have to go on IR for the entire year and skip 2010. This has irked many mouth pussies in the media who started writing and saying that Rice might have been convinced by his agent to sit this season out, what with the uncertainty of the collective bargaining agreement going into 2011, and the risk of reinjurying himself if something goes wrong with Rice potentially going into free agency. Note that Rice’s agent is that smarmy asshole Drew Rosenhaus, the whitest douche bag to ever drink out of a douche bag. Well, Rice addressed all this talk in a recent blog post of his which basically said it’s all a load of bull, and that he’d never screw his teammates like that. However, this quote really stood out to me which makes me think Rice is full of bull:

“[talking about how he felt after practicing throughout the week, then] So I decided not to go out there and risk getting hurt or, in my eyes, hurting the team by playing before I was ready and taking away from the team by not getting healthy.”

Yeah, hurt the team. Because Sidney Rice playing at 70% is worse than Hank Baskett playing at 700%. GTFO. Listen, the circumstances leading to Rice getting surgery late seemed pretty understandable and I don’t disagree with how he handled it. It was all largely unfortunate. And him not getting back out on the field yet probably says more about how stupid the coaching staff is than anything about him. But just say it’s 50/50 money and teammates, and let’s leave it at that. I would feel comfortable with that answer, right after you cut me a paycheck for some of that new contract money. It smells like Cuba Gooding Jr.

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Green Bay is happy with these turn of events:
How smug do you think all those assholes are in Wisconsin this year, both players and fans? I mean, last year must have been as close to a zombie nightmare disaster as you could imagine. They got absolutely rung up by the Favre-led Vikings twice, and maybe even worse on their home field last year. And then, sure, they made the playoffs but then they got butt hurt by the Cardinals in embarrassing fashion as well. That must have made things sting even more. The redemption this year must be like watching the bully who pushed you into lockers in high school find out he has incurable penis Ebola. However, I think Packer fans fail to realize that just because you’re beating the shit out of a terrible Vikings team in 2010 that still has Favre on it, it doesn’t mean your football team is any good either. Aaron Rodgers is still highly overrated, Clay Matthews still is a steroid head which means he probably has Skittles for testicles, and a horrible fucking Bears team still beat the shit out of you while you beat the shit out of yourself. If the Vikings DO win this weekend, it’ll be extra salt in your wounds. The Vikings are just playing spoiler roll now! Yeah bitch, we’re going to sour your season, like two months old Sour Cream in your fridge! We’re going to slap that on your taco salad and force feed your fat mouth with it, then watch as you shit all day long, basically peeing out of your butt! It’ll be hilarious! And yes, that was an explanation of your season, somehow. Uh, and the Vikings, I guess.

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Rich republicans like rich things like stadiums:
One of the good things about the Republicans taking control of government houses, particularly in Minnesota, is that they’ve seemed less willow-sensitive when talking about a potential Vikings stadium being built. Which is good news, because shit is about to hit the fan very soon after next year if they don’t figure this all out. My favorite argument when people talk about how they would NEVER spend public money on a stadium is how they assume that the money being spent is CLEARLY being taken from some other public need like education, social services, or infrastructure like bridges …. Eeeeee …. But that’s not how it works, lady bugs. It’s additional money. If they don’t spend it on a stadium, they don’t spend it. Education money is another pool. And I still can’t figure out why they didn’t approve the use tax, where they’d tax people who buy Vikings goods like jerseys, flags, stupid decals and inflatable chairs an extra .05 cents on the dollar. How does that fuck with education? God I hate you pussy, poor people loving liberals sometimes. Think of how much free money homeless people would find dropped outside of a new stadium! Do it for them!

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The Bears aren’t supposed to be winning!
Last night the Bears ended up beating the Miami Dolphins in Thursday night football. I’m not a rich republican, so I don’t pay for the NFL Network, and also don’t care enough about this gay match up to go to a bar to watch horrible football. I watched Scott Pilgrim again last night, and it was pretty awesome still. Funny stat about the Dolphins: I don’t think they’ve won a game at home this year. It’s like Bizarro-Vikings or something. I also didn’t like this because Mike Martz and the Bears have decided to start running the football more in the latter half of the season, well after I’ve already decided that Matt Forte was a worthless fantasy football draft pick and naturally have him bench warming for me. Oh! How nice of you to score a touchdown and rack up 90+ yards on a Thursday! Asshole. And this Bears team is just terrible. I can’t stress this enough. Yet they have seven wins and their defense is holding opponents to their lowest output since their recent Super Bowl season. This doesn’t compute, at all, especially since they were handed the early Lions game and the Packers needed 97 penalties in order for the Bears to win in their last meeting. The NFL is so retarded some times.

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Meme of the week:
The meme of the week is a failing little section we do in the weekly preview where we look at the best and brightest of internet toilet bowl humor and try to relate it to football and the Vikings in tired and lame ways. Since this started, you have met Bachelor Frog, Rich Raven, Politically Neutral Dog, Philosoraptor, Sexually Oblivious Rhino, Courage Wolf, Photobombing Daniel Craig, Conspiracy Psyduck, the Hitler video, and last week’s Disaster Girl. This week we test your stereotypes with Successful Black Man. Successful Black Man is a hilarious meme, especially with Minnesota Vikings football fans, because he immediately makes you question your prejudices, which is always funny because people get so sensitive about racial issues (cue Seinfeld music). Also, it touches on the subject of why Minnesota people hate black quarterbacks so much. Ask yourself that. People HATE TarVar, and they equally hated Culpepper for much of his time here, but ONE season with Favre and it’s quarterback bukakke all over the season. Get out of here. That’s ridiculous. I would love to see Vick come on this team next year and just smugly watch the rage that explodes from Vikings fans. They’d say they hate Vick because of the dog killings, because he’s a criminal, because he’s a bad passer (his six TD passes says hi). But we all know what the deal is, you assholes. You just don’t like him because he’s left handed. That’s why you all hate Darko Milicic too. See what I did there? Also, I don’t know if that’s supposed to be TarVar up top or not, calling out blitz pick ups, because we all know he couldn’t do that  ….. wait … RACIST!!!!

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Scotch of the week:
This week’s scotch is reflective of how this season makes you feel inside of you. We highlight the Springbank 10-year from Campbeltown. It’s a peaty scotch that’s distilled near ocean water, so you’ll get plenty of that salty, old fashioned taste when you drink it. The saltiness is enough to make you pucker a bit, kind of like the Vikings in 2010 and kind of like what this second Green Bay game is going to be like, but it has a robust enough flavor to keep you drinking your sorrows away. You’ll note hints of apple, butter, salt, and a bit of campfire or smoke on it as well. It’s lighter in alcohol, so the flavor comes out more. Add a drop or two of water to make it really salt watery, and then notice how when you drink it, it also tastes a bit like tears of a lost season.

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Some of that … hot … Green Bay … tail …:
Just kidding. I can’t even pretend that there are any attractive women out of Wisconsin anymore (I’ve been searching for the purpose of this website for two years now and four games). Instead, here is a lady dressed in purple, that probably is a Vikings fan, but probably not, especially this year.

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If you’re going to the game: I haven’t found anything to verify this outside of generic Twitter talk, but it looks like cast from the FX show The League is going to be outside of the Metrodome on Sunday to promote the show and the game. Reader Qommie sounds like she may be going, and some other fans have taken notic. If you are able to make that, it sounds like it would be awesome. I would consider going, but I am lazy and hate large groups of people, generally speaking. If YOU go, I would love it if anyone did the following:

- Sang “Naginta” with the guy who plays Taco
- Took pictures of them all and send me photos
- Had them hold up signs that say PJD on them or promote this website
- And then send that to me
- Try and squeeze Jenny’s boob for both me and my wife

Sounds like a good time though, and if you do go, enjoy!

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Apathetic predictions:
Are we seriously asking? The Vikings are a train wreck right now. There is zero percent chance that they win this game. Clay Matthews is healthier now than he was when we first faced him at Lambeau, and he’ll be rushing at the Elder Favre on field turf, which will make him look like a gay Flash. He’ll brush by Loadholt quicker than fat bitch to cake. The receivers are nicked up for the Vikings, and chances are probably pretty good that Childress is still holding a grudge against  for some stupid reason. So we’ll see Harvin look good for a bit, then get a heavy dose of interception throws to Greg Lewis, I’m sure. The defense for the Vikings is banged up too. Cornerback is hard to even look at, and with Donald Driver back and Aaron Rodgers hitting his overrated stride on the season, this game should be over by half time. I’m just hoping that they give a garbage TD or two to PJ late in the game so that I can gather some fantasy points up. I can easily see a 31-17 blow out in favor of the Pack, and a nice and fancy toothpick stuffed in the Vikings franchise for 2010 as we can officially bury this season with seven losses. Monday, Favre will announce some new injury that will force retirement, we’ll all laugh for the rest of the season watching TarVar flounder and Childress flap his arms like a oil slathered duck, and then we start over with a new coach and QB in 2011, which can’t get here soon enough. Just enjoy the ride, sweet cheeks.

As usual, we’ll be back on Monday with a game recap where we dole out wonderful amounts of angst, hate, bitterness, swear words, and blame to everyone but ourselves. Hey, WE’RE not making millions of dollars. I support this team by peripherally watching them! As always, leave comments for us on Twitter, Facebook, or e-mail us shit (especially the photos from meeting The League!) as we’d love to, you know, interact with fans and stuff. I am also going to be selfish and ask you people that if you see these articles as a Tweet, posted of Facebook or whatever, to take literally two seconds and pass it along socially, because the greatest Vikings blog in the entire land clearly needs more readers. Also, I may secretly whisper in your ear sweet nothings about Favre’s retirement if you do. Thanks. See you Monday.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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