PJD’s Masturbatory Preseason Game Preview – Getting Pretty for the Ball

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Get all your girls ready for the prom on Saturday: This is the big one, ladies. This is the preseason game where you get all your starters some significant playing time, where they get to see some real action for the final time (probably) until September 9th when all these games start meaning something. It’s a nice little dress rehearsal for everyone. You know Brett Favre will be at his locker Saturday night finding his favorite bra to sport. Ryan Longwell is going to wear his lucky lip gloss. EJ Henderson is definitely going with an up-do. Fat Pat has a low cut dress to show off his best cleavage. And even Brad Childress is going to make sure his rug is trimmed in case he is declared Preseason Prom Queen by chaperon Zygi Wilf at the end of the night and gets lucky with his prom date. Yes, Saturday is all about pomp and circumstance, and for those lucky few that look real good in extended action, an old fashioned grope fest behind the high school dumpster. It’s prom night for the Vikings in the Metrodome for the first time this season, and you know someone is going to get raped.

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Still waiting to play someone fun: Maybe it’ll just be the Seahawks that are getting raped though, because that team isn’t looking too hot. First, can we play someone awesome soon, just once? Really. The Rams, 49ers, Seahawks, and Broncos in the preseason? OK, the 49ers were fine, they are a good team to match up against, the Vikings just looked like shit against them. The Broncos MAY be fun, as long as Tebow gets crucified midfield at half time. But really, all these teams kind of suck. Maybe I’m just learning slowly to hate every single team, player, and coach in the NFL, thanks to fantasy football. I wouldn’t put it beyond me. But on Saturday we get to see mister infraction himself, Pete Carroll, lead his newest band of cheaters to Minnesota led by The Balding One Matt Hasselbeck and the One Who Got Away, Mr. Houshmanzadeh. Could you imagine if we had him instead of Harvin? I would fucking kill myself. Harvin is so much easier to spell.

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Let’s talk Packers for a moment: Last night on ESPN was a special broadcast of Monday Night Football on a Thursday night. Does that make sense? No, I don’t get why they felt so damn compelled to use the MNF reference. Just call it fucking football and leave it at that. Regardless, it featured the maybe-gay Green Bay Packer quarterback Aaron Rodgers tongue darting the fart box of the Colts for the entire first half of the game, on their way to an eventual 59-24 win over the blue and white team. While Rodgers looked pretty impressive throwing the ball, I will admit that is all the accolade I will provide that team. Their receivers still don’t impress me, their running game looks as bad as ours, and I think their defense is still filled with more holes that a mafia hit. Frankly, they still look like the same team as last year who had a trillion lucky bounces that helped them to a +24 turnover margin. What’re the chances that will happen again? Not very likely, says this rather anonymous website that I’m inclined to believe. So while everyone is quick to crown their asses as NFC favorites already, I’m going to not start sucking dick that quickly and say the Vikings still have just as good of a shot. Oh, and thanks to an old article I did on Aaron Rodgers back in the day, I had a nice fellow from Gunaxin link to it again. Big time!

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I should redact that Sidney Rice article from earlier: Earlier in the week I wrote about how our favorite hip-ster receiver, Squid Rice, was a douche canoe for waiting until this late in the season to get his hip cut open and fixed. It was later that day that Sid actually went on to his personal blog and wrote about his decision to have the surgery. He covered a bunch of things, ranging from his meetings with doctors early in the offseason to how it was feeling better as recent as training camp, and even how once the doctors got in there and sliced and diced him, they discovered the injury was much worse than they EVER COULD HAVE IMAGINED and he may have potentially shortened his career if he would have tried to play through it this year instead of opting for surgery. So now my article looks like I’m a huge fucking asshole (which I am). Of course, people need to KNOW this, they need to know I’m a terrible person, so that when they read article about how big of a cunt Aaron Rodgers is they know to take it a bit tongue in cheek. Not dick in cheek, like Packer fans would be inclined to do. I think that means something entirely different. Regardless, I’m now glad Sid had that surgery but, meh, the article stays because it has swear words in it.

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Know your meme: Today I am introducing a new feature to PJD that will probably run about two weeks before I get bored with it. But until then, ho-boy, look out! It’s called “Know your Meme”, inspired by the awkwardly titled website “Know Your Meme” that probably isn’t even close to being work safe. However, the need to introduce Know your Meme to this website became apparent this week when I made a Bachelor Frog reference (you’ll soon know this as well) to the wife this week that was totally lost on here. It was demoralizing and horrible to experience. I then realized that several internet meme’s get referenced here all the time, and so I should appropriately catch people up on those here as well. Today, as referenced, we start with Bachelor Frog who, as KYM describes him exhibits “raunchy, disgusting and self-abandoned lifestyle of a single bachelor” who covers a wide variety of bachelor social topics which “include fapping and wallowing in filth”. The result then, as you can see how it could relate to a Vikings/football fan, is found above. So please, familiarize yourself with Bachelor Frog and feel free to make your own examples and link them in the comments. We’ll all be better off for it.

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Scotch of the week: Finally, for the scotch of the week, we are presented with an opportunity to refer a scotch that you can DRINK and get SCHMASTED with on a Saturday night. Stupid Sunday night football, with work and jobs the next day (for some), miniature American flags for the rest! Anyway, this week we are referring the very drinkable Balvenie Doublewood 12-year from Speyside Highlands. With 40% abv, it’s still a rich scotch that has a nice amber or golden wheat kind of a color, like a hookers hair color after you muss it into the dried dirt for a while. The reason this scotch is so distinct is because it’s aged in two different barrels, one oak cask and another re-used sherry cask. It’s kind of like how Antoine Winfield became better once he get with a second team. EXACTLY LIKE THAT. Either way, it’s fairly affordable for being a nicer scotch, and to that I say drink up.

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Fictional and inferred opposing teams’ cheerleader autobiography: This fine lass you see here is Natalie, so says the image data after I probably illegally downloaded the photo for personal use (see: masturbating). She looks like a nice enough girl, probably went to University of Washington and got a major in … Tsssssssssss, psychology? Pretty girls always major in psychology. “I just think people are so interesting!” Whatever. With that dark colored hair, however, like most psychology students, Natalie hids a dark past. You see, her ass dates her at the tender age of 22, but seven years in her late teens, in the dastardly years of 2003, she went through a scary period where she listed to AFI, Coheed and Cambria, and … uh, other super shitty bands of that ilk. She wore dark clothing and even bad make up, eating whatever she wanted, until one night she got lost in the shadows of Pike Place Market and ended up falling into a pile of dead fish. For years people blamed her for always smelling like that fish pile and she always BLAMED that fish pile for her life’s troubles. However, the truth was much worse … it was her vagina! DUH DUH DUUUHHHH!!! Well, she figured that out, cleaned herself up, started listening to Timberland and is now a cheerleader. What a great story.

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Fearless predictions bound to be wrong: Last week I predicted that the Vikings would win against the 49ers, because come on, who the hell is Nate Davis? Regardless, I am now 0-2 on my predictions this year, which would seem to indicate that whatever I predict, the opposite is bound to happen. Sure, that sounds easy enough, but let’s look at this logically. The Rams game was an easy one to predict. They fucking suck. the 49ers I probably should have tabbed as a loss. Favre’s first game back, their defense is stellar, it’s late in the day and on the road … Vikings always lose then. So, since it’s the preseason, I am going to continue on and use this time to fine tune my predictions as well. The Seahawks aren’t that great of a team, maybe a .500 squad with a chance to beat anyone any given day if things really fucking work out well for them. I just don’t think it will on Saturday. I think with the starters getting extended action that Favre and company will make sure the home audience gets their crotch wet (not from spilled beer, mind you) and give them a show. Will Childress let Favre run the offense? Will the running game stop looking like an abortion? Will Chris Cook look awesome starting at cornerback? Will Toby Gerhart stop being fucking white and just run the ball? So many things could happen! In the end, however, I see a 27-17 win, with the Seahawks getting some points in during garbage time.

Remember to check back on Monday for the game recap, as well as to post your funny shit during the game on Twitter or Facebook. We’ll have the best comments next week. Enjoy the game, we’re that much closer to games that matter, like hide the penis in your mom!

 

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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