PJD’s Masturbatory Preseason Game Preview – Purple Jesus v. Tebow Christ Superstar

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There’s only room in the NFL for one blasphemous Christian figure, Tebow: Alright, listen up here you cranium shorn Jesus freak. Now that you apparently are going to actually make an NFL roster, you need to make sure you get one thing straight and through your thick, un-aborted skull. When you come into the NFC … No, no. When you are in the NFL, there is only ONE blasphemous Jesus figure that we all praise. It’s been this way for four years now, and it’s not about to change because some Technicolor Dream Coat douche bag decided he wanted to preach abstinence and castrate boys in the Philippines. Purple Jesus is the one you will be following. Why? Because he doesn’t flirt with the pomp and circumstance that you do, Tebow. He doesn’t pretend to not masturbate in a closet and cry afterwards. He doesn’t blush and feel like he’s sinning when he stares and a huge pair of tits. He also doesn’t get concussed on his way to the endzone, or look like he’s some kind of a FAS baby running around on the field. He strong, he’s got conviction, he doesn’t need to cheerlead to get his teammates excited, and he doesn’t cry on the side of a football field, you little prick. While I don’t wish personal injury upon you and actually don’t care that your favorite song is “Day by Day”, I would greatly enjoy watching you lose and seeing you accidentally feel a Vikings defensive linemen penis brush against your buttocks after a sack. Glorious.

Let’s wrap up this damn preseason here with a certifiable ass kicking, shall we?

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What are the Broncos doing, anyway? First, let’s talk real about Tebow. He’s a terrible looking NFL quarterback. I mean, just awful, like a bag full of chopped breasts. His delivery is longer than Byron Leftwich’s, and his accuracy is about as good as my skeet shot after a whisky tasting. And he’s slow. Watching him run is like watching Tahi return a punt with only the kicker on the field to tackle him and, you guessed it, he totally would. I can’t believe people think he’s ever going to be anything other than a cheerleader not wearing a sexy outfit. That’s a terrible investment. And the rest of their team? It’s like someone tried to do Jersey Shore in Denver but with high schoolers and a senior citizen complex. Their receivers are Eddie Royal and Eric Decker. MORE FUCKING WHITE GUYS?!?! RAAAGGGEE!! And then they have guys called Elvis Dumervil. I would not trust him, just on name alone. On the other hand, I would probably trade for Kyle Orton without even thinking about it, and that’s more of a statement about how horrible our QB situation is rather than anything about Orton or Denver’s offense. Regardless, there’s got to be like a 65% chance that Denver ends up worse than Oakland this year, right?

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You will be seeing these players for the last time: Here, let’s make this lazy easy (easy = list form) and list the group of Viking players that you will most likely be seeing for the last time this year, and possibly FOREVER. No, not because they’re going to die (at least I don’t think so … RHYS!) but mostly because they’ll be cut and then never heard from again. In a sense, you can assume these people won’t be making a projected 53 man roster, but I don’t know if I’m even going to do one, so feel free to get all nit picky about this like a douche bag expert:

- Colt Anderson, S (Case of Caucasian-itis)

- Freddie Brown, WR (Yeah, didn’t even know he was on the roster)

- Chris Clark, T (New profession, Take-a-Penny, Leave-a-Penny guard at an Amoco)

- Rhys Lloyd, K (For not doing his god damn job in a dome, once, this preseason)

- Marcus Sherels, CB (Unfortunate case of Gopher Alumni status)

- Tahi Naufahu, FB (Wishful thinking)

Sure there will be more like Taye Biddle, Mike Montgomery, Marquis Hamilton, and the other 38 receivers they have on the current roster, but these are the one’s I’m banking on. Especially that fuck Tahi. So through with you …

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Brittany Favre talks about what it’s like for a young mother to watch a preseason game: “Ugh, you guys just don’t understand how hard it is to be a young mother, and have a baby daddy that just wants to watch football all the time! Gawd! Do you think I still want to watch football all the time? My stupid old Dad always made us watch football, because he’d play once in a while, and I am just sick of it! I would like for my hubby, just once, to take the baby bundle out so I can go shot gun bags of wine again and pretend to be a lesbian, like my fave high school days! I loved that! Now I just have to sit around with a baby in my lap, watching some stupid sport that doesn’t even mean anything. It’s so hard being the daughter of a multi-millionaire athlete, you know? I just get no respect! And I work so hard to live in my parents house. It’s just sickening! UGH!! I have to go. Parker is shitting in his pants again. You’d think cleaning up your dad’s diapers would be enough. I’m COMING!!”

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Know your meme: Today we continue a probably unpopular feature called Know Your Meme, in which PJD introduces you to a popular internet meme that may be commonly referenced here. This is done so that my jokes don’t fall upon your deaf ears like you’re Helen Keller, and so that we can continue to support this glorious invention called the internet. Last week we touched on Bachelor Frog, and today we introduce you to Rich Raven, a true blue blooded, money grubbing bastard. As you can see above, he’s willing to pay double for Vikings box seats because he has the money to do so. As the website Know Your Meme alludes to through examples, Rich Raven is doesn’t like your new money, your communism, or immigrants. And frankly, I don’t disagree with him. Also, it’s fun to pretend that we’re all richer than other people. Then I would wear a top hat and a monocle. A MONOCLE, PEOPLE, COME ON!! Rich Raven fucking rules.

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Scotch of the week: For this week’s scotch, we actually are recommending a single malt Irish Whiskey instead. This is one called Knappogue Castle, clearly from Ireland. It’s perfect for the last preseason game of the year because it’s kind of a vanilla whiskey, not in that it TASTES like vanilla, but in that even a pussy drinker could drink this and think they’re Rich Raven. It is light in color, so it’s guaranteed not to scare off the Chardonnay drinkers, and almost clear enough for alcoholics to tell their wife it’s just water, baby! It’s aroma consists of peaches, floral notes, and citrusy fruits, or, the almost exact opposite of your girlfriend’s vagina. Also, when tasting, it starts soft on your palette yet has a light bite for a finish. It would be like Tarvaris Jackson’s career, except that I’m unsure where the finish to that freight train is. Oh well. Enjoy it while it lasts. … The, uh … the whiskey, not his career. But you knew that.

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Some o’ dat Denver hotness: Here are some Denver cheerleaders doing some ab routine, for some reason in the middle of an empty Invesco Field Stadium that also looks like it’s about to get shit on with angry God tears from the sky. You should probably head inside, ladies, it’s starting to look dangerous. Except, of course, for that blond kind of in the middle. You know, the one that is constantly being over shadowed by her way hotter brunette peer? The blond who is furious with her ugly face because she thought blonds were supposed to have more fun, not get felt up by a drunken frat boy at a sports bar as part of a romantic date night? Not like her sexy, classy, perfectly toned thighed brunette friend who gets to go out to wine bars with her lawyer boyfriend and sip on $600 bottles of wine from the mountain regions, and laugh at poignant stories about poor people well into the wee morning hours with other perfectly attractive people that don’t squint when they have to flex their abs? Yeah, that blond should definitely stay outside when it starts raining and continue to look like a wet dog.

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Fearless game predictions bound to be wrong: Childress said after last Saturday’s game that he wasn’t sure whether or not the Vikings starters would spend time out on the field or not. He said this because the team looked like baby brains on the field, and the offensive line was softer than an underboob. But it didn’t take long for him to renege on that idea, as Monday he floated out some hyperbole about “having to see how practices went” and “I don’t have any testicles” and stuff like that. Embarrassing. As is, we get the TarVar, Sage, and Joe Webb show tonight against a hard hitting Denver defense. On the other end, we have possibly the worst NFL quarterback outside of Tarvaris in Tim Tebow running around Charlie Gordon in Flowers for Algernon. Somehow though, he’s going to end up beating the Vikings and maybe cry one the sidelines. Also, it’s the final preseason game, and the Vikings play for some real Pogs in seven more days. I highly doubt that there are many people out here really trying that hard, and for that, I predict a Vikings loss, 17-21 to the Broncos. Whatever.

See you tomorrow with an out of place Friday game recap, and then BOOSH! Next week we are talking some real football and complaining about fantasy teams. I can hardly wait! Want to drop us a line and tell us how tight YOUR pants are? Hit us on Twitter to give us material for tomorrow’s Tweets O’ the Game, Facepage us, or email us off that fancy little contact page. Believe it or not, we actually get those! See you tomorrow, my precious dandelions.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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