PJD’s Masturbatory Preseason Game Previews – A Conveniently Placed Prime Time Game

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Oh, look who came back just in time for a Sunday Night game: I am still just SHOCKED at how this whole Brett Favre return to football event played out. It just boggleds my mind that he decided to come back to Minnesota the week after training camp ended, the exact same day as he did the year before, and right before a Vikings nationally televised preseason game. How could people have known?!?? It all seems so serendipitous. Like, the Vikings, the NFL schedulers, and everyone alive who isn’t missing a chromosome were all in on this little secret! It’s just mind blowing … or wait, no, it was totally fucking obvious the whole time, and the NFL, the Vikings, the media, Favre, and everyone are a bunch of dick wads for pretending that anything different was going to happen. Of course Favre was going to come back. Even despite this new Schism 2010 debate, we all know Favre hates the way Childress calls plays, but we also all knew that Favre was going to come back, and apparently the NFL knew, because why would anyone care about watching a TarVar led Vikings team against the 49ers in both of their second preseason game? They wouldn’t, unless everyone was in on Favre returning, and that’s sure as shit what it looks like. So whatever. Let’s get this masturbation session over with, bolt through the last two preseason games, and give this old prick his swan song finally. And win a Super Bowl too, if that would be ok.

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Will we see preseason magic again? The last time the Vikings saw the 49ers, it was billed as a panty wetting showdown between two teams that were 2-0 at the time, two teams that were the cream of the NFL crop in 2009, a potential playoff matchup. This was all true, except that it was the 49ers, and I can’t really explain what happened to them last year. I know Arizona was in the playoffs from that division, and that Alex Smith ran the 49ers team. Does that explain it all? Probably yes. And sure, the game ended in epic times had by all last year, but it never really should have come to that. Regardless, the 49ers are the opponent again this week, so what do we have to look forward to? The short answer is a whole paper bag full of shit. Their first 72 picks in the 2010 draft were all offensive linemen, which is super exciting to watch during the preseason. I guess you can keep your eye on Mike Iupati, who the Vikings were rumored to be interested in at one point. Other than that, you can cross your fingers and pray that Patrick Willis doesn’t commit a double homicide by sacking/decapitating Brett Favre and Adrian Peterson in one tackle, because I’m pretty sure that would derail the season rather quickly. The only other bonus I can think of here is that, as mentioned last year, I get a major erection when I watch the Vikings and 49ers play, especially if it’s in the Vikings throwback unis, which I’m guessing this game unfortunately won’t be in. But something about the red, purple, and gold really arouses me aesthetically. The missus is going to be in for a good night, unless …

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She gets upset with me for a totally legit reason: … and that would be because this primetime schedule is fucking with my Mad Men viewing on Sunday night. Yes, I watch Mad Men, and you probably should too, as it pretty much epitomizes the greatest time to be alive in the history of the world. Oh, you get to drink scotch at 10:00 AM on a Tuesday while handling a million dollar advertising deal? And then you can bone your seceratary on your couch for bringing home your keys you forgot because you’re a total drunk? But it doesn’t matter because your hair is fucking impeccable and you wear suits that would make Tim Gunn look like a color blind heterosexual? Fuck your style. Don Draper is maybe my new hero (which my wife LOVES to hear), but not because of his antics and wife cheating, but because he’s just so damn cool. Imagine Don Draper running the Vikings offense. How awesome would he be? You know what he would have done on that last drive of the NFC Championship Game? He would have calmly convinced Childress it was all Childress’ idea to let Don call the plays on that last drive towards a field goal, would have stared Tahi into his place on the sidelines, then he would have swooned the Saints defense into complacency instead of throwing an interception, and THEN he would have went ahead and finger banged them anyway. Fucking Don Draper is the man. It’ll be ok though, because Comcast on Demand is a pretty sweet feature, whenever they decide to update Tosh.0 before a full fucking week passes. Assholes.

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Who I’ll be undressing with my eyes: No, really, I undress football players with my eyes when I’m watching them. What, you never imagined what it was like to see a man naked before? They pracically are anyway, when they’re wearing their skin tight uniforms as is. Tell me you’re not afraid of finding out your gay one Sunday afternoon, sucker. Anyway, with Jaymar Johnson getting the boot this week, Harvin and Rice likely not able to play, I would imagine this opens the door for another unproven receiver to show he’s worth a roster spot. I’ll keep an eye on Logan Payne, who had a pretty nice preseason last week, as well as Marko Mitchell, who hauled in a long touchdown from Sage against the Rams and has size that the Vikings could use during the season. On defense, I’d like to see more out of Everson “The Magical” Griffen, as he seemed to outrun his containment last week. Also, I’d like to see more of Asher Allen and Chris Cook, too. Allen made a huge boner on the kick return given up last week but remained physical in pass coverage. If he can pull it all together, he may not become a McCauley after all! Cook, I just want to see more of, to see if I believe the hype yet.

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Percy’s shares his thought process from Thursday: As was mentioned yesterday, Vikings wide receiver Percy Harvin had a scary bout with a migraine headache out on the practice field. It sounds as if he was OK soon thereafter, but it certainly was a worrisome afternoon. PJD was somehow, someway, amazingly lucky enough to have Percy call us and share with us what went through his head that morning. We have transcribed the truthful, honest-to-god, conversation here for you, dear reader:

“Oh, yes sir, it was definately a crazy afternoon, definately. As was mentioned through, uh, various news reports, I was out there doing some, uh, special teams reps and I went to field a punt. When I looked up at the sky, it was, uh, really bright, and I don’t know if it was the sun, the movement, or what, but I started feeling a bit, uh, a bit kind of woozy. So I talked to the coaches, and we went inside for a bit, just to kind of, you know, chill out and see if things became OK. I told them I was feeling a bit better so we, uh, went back outside and I started watching some practice again. It was then when the migraine hit and all I could, uh, think was JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY HEAD OH SHIT SHIT HERE COMES THE VOMIT GOD DAMNIT CHILDRESS TURN OFF THE SPINNING CYCLE ON THE FIELD YOU MOTHER FUCKER I AM SITTING HERE DYING AND YOU WANT TO KEEP RUNNING PLAYS FUCK GET AN AMBULANCE YOU BALD FUCK I AM BLACKING OUT AND LOSING MY SHIT I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL DROP A PASS ON PURPOSE IF YOU DO NOT RESPOND IN TIME GAH GET ME OUT OF HERE FUCKING PRACTICE SUCKS! But, uh, then they took me to the hospital and I kind of settled down, was in a dark room for a while, took some meds and things really worked out, so, yeah, sir, I hope to just get back out there as soon as I can. Skol Vikes!”

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Scotch of the week: Sunday nights are a good night to drink scotch. Not because you can get wasted off scotch, because you have Monday morning staring at you right in the face, but rather because you can enjoy the shit out of a dram and it nicely mellows you down after the weekend. Also, you can get wasted with very little. But the key is to find the right kind of scotch for a Sunday night. So this week we’re recommending what can be described as a good drinkin’ scotch, the Bunnahabhain 10 year from Islay.

Golden in color, like Goldilocks pubes, and aged in a sherry cask, this 10 year will get you in the back of your pallete with a taste of the open sea LIKE YOU’RE STANDING ON A CLIFF!! and also builds on the campfire notes we introduced last week. There’s a hint of toffee to the finish as well, which is a LONG finish, like me inside of your mom’s belly button. Although, I’m not nearly worth the price, like this scotch is. I gave this light fare a 3.5 star rating out of 5, but it’s a great one to enjoy on a Sunday night.

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Fictional and inferred opposing team cheerleader’s life story: This is … Oh, she looks like a Janine. She is originally from Las Vegas, where she grew up and went to high school, I’m guessing. She was one of those girls where she pushed her boobs out at the tender age of 13, WAY too young to have to explain to a daughter what cleavage is. She always knew she was a special girl. No, not retarded, and no, not special like she was going to develop time travel, but special because she had such a high metabolism that she could eat an entire bag of chips for dinner, Doritos, nonetheless, and never put on a pound. Her friends were always jealous (except of her face), and eventually that jealousy convinced her she needed to pursue her life long dream of becoming an actress in Hollywood. She traveled west soon after high school, probably in a convertable she shared with her best friend who was a brunette, I’m sure, and they got a small dumpy apartment near San Francisco for some reason, because they were too stupid to realize Hollywood was about six hours south. Regardless, after many failed attempts at commercials and being able to repeat her lines without having her eyes move left to right with the cue cards, she was offered a position as a cheerleader, because, really, you can’t see any of their face details when you’re sitting in the 98th row, amitrite? Again, I am just assuming all of this.

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Obnoxious predictions bound to be wrong: Awesome. Here we are again predicting a preseason game that won’t matter. Regardless, in order to do this, let’s go back to last year’s first preseason game that Favre played in. If you remember, it was against the Chiefs who are not quite the 49ers, and it was at home. This one is on the road, during the night (Favre played like a parapalegic in night games last season, FYI), against a team that probably wants to hit him real hard again. And if you remember last year’s game, it wasn’t Favre that stole the spotlight, but rather the forgotten TarVar Jackson, who had like 200 yards and two touchdowns. He’s like the Rosenfels of last week! Regardless, I don’t think it’ll really matter. I predicted the Vikings to lose last week against a sloppy Rams team, and I was way off. Obviously, I need to keep predicting loses, but I don’t see that happening here. I think the Vikings are a DEEP, DEEP team, deeper than Montana Fiscburne, and the 49ers aren’t there yet. In this case, the Vikings backups are still better than whatever scrubs San Fran picked up from underneath the Golden Gate bridge, so I’ll go with a 23-10 Vikings win. If they lose, then we all know how I’ll have to predict the games when they matter.

Enjoy the prime time showing. Remember, follow us on Twitter and leave your game thoughts there, or on Facebook, and we’ll do a Tweets O’ the Game feature during the Monday game review. Will you be featured??!?! Only if you’re funny, offensive, or moderately insightful. The chances that any of my readers will be that though are slim to none, so best bring the funny. See you Monday.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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