Do you remember when? There was a time, a time of unbridled expectations. A time of whip creamed nipples on 19 year old blonds. A time of golden drafts, fast cars, and action films. Those times … well, those were just the commercials and films you happened to zone out on in the middle of an ass fisting sometime during these first two weeks of the NFL season where you have since watched the Minnesota Vikings fumble their way around like they’re trying to unhook a bra for the first time. Is it in the front? A back latch? Does it go up or down, I don’t know! In that time your penis has gone from this to this and you’ve lost that tingly feeling you get when you drive past the Metrodome on your way to work. Now, all you feel is sadness … remorse … kind of an emptiness where you know deep in your Gap boxer briefs that despite your expectations for this season, they’ve pretty much all have been shattered. And why? Because the Vikings lost a game they were probably supposed to lose and then lost a game you kind of thought they would win. But was it that they lost it, or was that they lost it in such a fashion you don’t even believe in breasts anymore? I hate to be the shining light of optimism here, largely because it feels so foreign … like a vagina, but the Viking aren’t out of it yet. Every year, every team loses a game they were supposed to win and wins a game they were supposed to lose. These things balance out. That’s why this game against the Lions isn’t exactly a must win, but it’s probably as close as you’re going to get in week three of the NFL season. So everyone settle the fuck down, take a deep breath, unclench your butt cheeks for three hours, and let’s get back to some home football, OK?
And a special thanks to pullmyfinger over at Rube Chat for another Game Day Graphic!
It’s us and the Lions, never forget that: OK. With that being said let’s not forget this; the Minnesota Vikings right now are no better than the Detroit fucking Lions, and the god damn Lions suck horse balls. They are a bad team. They’ll be lucky to win six games this year, and I mean LUCKY, like they sucked every last bit of life out of a genie dick. Now, that doesn’t mean they don’t have potential. For long time readers of this idiotic site, you’ll know I’ve made girlish squeals towards what the Lions have done the past couple of years, silently wishing that their future was my team’s future. A young franchise quarterback with a cannon for an arm and a hot 20 year old piece of ass? Fuck yes. A dominant defensive linemen along the trenches with a name that means “House of Spears“? Whoop, I just splooged. Two dynamic offensive skill position players, one with a nickname after a Transformer and another who sounds like a terrorist? That’s pretty cool too. The Lions are infinitely easier to cheer for than the Vikings are right now, and this Sunday may be the deciding factor in who I end up cheering for over the next 10 years. ……. Well, not really, but Jim Schwartz is far more likeable than Brad Childress. Did you know that Schwartz use to watch Jahvid Best highlights and get aroused by them? It’s true! He’s awesome.
NOW Favre wants to do work: Favre had his weekly press conference where he throws people under the bus and/or talks about taking pictures of his cock on Thursday. While we didn’t get any juicy tidbits about his undeniable advances on Kendra Wilkinson Bassett, he did have a lot to say about this team’s offense. Take this gem for example:
“if I sat here and told you that I know exactly what we’re doing right now, I’d be lying.”
Bless your heart, you geriatric cunt. You know what would have made this a Brazillian times easier? If you would have showed up to training camp for the last time of your life. Listen, we ALL knew you were going to come back and play one more year. We knew this way back in early summer when Deanna re-upped her Lifetime Fitness membership to keep that tight ass in shape. I also believe you when you said in your “Welcome Back Cotter” press conference that you’re retiring after this year. A year too late, but I believe you. So you couldn’t have made this one exception to come to training camp, work with some receivers, and really give it your all just one last time? You dick. I hope you get speared with a trident this weekend. Favre also spent this week playing cornerback against the wide receivers so he could try to learn their routes a bit better. Can we just have Favre coach and get rid of Childress? I would surprisingly be all for that, as long as Favre could wear jeans on the sidelines and a cut off shirt. So much man …
More contests! Now someone do PJD: I got another e-mail this week for anther contest for what’s called a displaced Vikings fan. Apparently DISHNetwork is running a contest for Vikings fans who live over a 100 miles outside of … Minneapolis? Minnesota? … they didn’t really specify … to be creative and submit why you are the Ultimate Displaced fan. If you win, you get free fucking Super Bowl tickets, which is kind of a big deal since only Bono, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffett can afford to buy them at face value these days. But let’s do something creative here. As with the last contests that were run, if you submit one to these gentle persons and you actually end up winning somehow, and in your winning submission you get to throw in a reference somewhere to Purple Jesus Diaries, I’ll buy you a free t-shirt from the merchandise shop. YOU GET SUPER BOWL TICKETS AND A WORTHLESS T-SHIRT WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?? Even if you’re too lazy to submit an entry to these guys, or are automatically disqualified because you live in the Metrodome dumpsters (too close, dude), then let’s leave ideas of video submissions and craftily placed PJD references, like:
- Make a video in your boxers that have “PJD” written all over them
- Make an “Around the Horn” video about how much you hate the Vikings with a Woody Paige blackboard behind you with a reference to PJD
- Have your pregnant wife do the video for you in a sports bra, and paint PJD on her swelling sexy tummy in Viking colors (kind of like this one)
You get the idea. Now submit your own ideas, you life sucking leeches! Oh, and here’s more rules about the contest. I really just wanted an excuse to link to a pregnant belly.
Meme of the week: The meme of the week is a failing little section we do in the weekly preview where we look at the best and brightest of internet toilet bowl humor and try to relate it to football and the Vikings in tired and lame ways. Since this started, you have met Bachelor Frog, Rich Raven (he’s like Zygi!) and Politically Neutral Dog. This week we are introducing Philosoraptor, which I feel is perfect for where the team is offensively, especially when you consider that our offensive guru, Brad Childress, ran Tahi on a fourth down play in a kind of critical part of the game, and that he absolutely refuses to abort the TarVar project after five years and zero results. You know, it’s people like Childress that are running our financial institutions as well, and these are the types of decisions we see daily that affect our lives. If that doesn’t make you want to put on a black ski mask and go all V for Vendetta on some people, nothing will.
Scotch of the week: This week’s scotch belongs to Midleton District in Ireland, the Redbreast 12 year Irish Whiskey. Yes, I know I said scotch, and yes, I know for like the 37th time in a row the scotch I’ve chosen is actually some type of whiskey, but this is now where I say “Deal with it”. This whiskey is pretty fantastic though, not only because the word “breast” is in it’s name. There are bits of maple flavor in it, which seems perfect for an early fall drink during a rainy weekend. Also, there is a little spice that gets you on the back end, kind of like if you have hemorrhoids and you’re wiping after pooping. Finally, there is a nice long finish that lingers on your palate, like the smell of a fresh squirter on your two fingers in high school. The 12 year, as shown here, is good, but the 15 year also comes highly recommended. It’s kind of funny, in that whiskey is the exact opposite of how you’d like to find your jail bait. You know … older better to sip, younger better rip … I’m totally kidding by the way, and kind of just offended myself by writing that. Jesus ….
Did you know the Lions have Cheerleaders? Well they don’t. Kind of: It wasn’t until I spoke with the lovely representative from The Wayne Fontes Experience that I realized the Lions didn’t actually have cheerleaders of any kind for most of their history. Something to do with them believing they’re a classy organization not full of Matt Millen illegitimate children. Recently, however, there was a big push to enlist a spirit squad in Detroit … Or a flag team … or something else like a bunch of cheerleaders who aren’t really cheerleaders, but still women with very low self esteem and boobs. Big boobs. Here’s the description:
They’re not recognized as the Lions official cheerleaders. In fact, team officials and the Pride had to agree on a few rules of etiquette before the group was allowed inside Ford Field.
• They are not allowed to perform organized cheers.
• They cannot obstruct the view of fans.
• They are not allowed to take group photos with fans. Only two girls may appear in photos, so they plan to walk through Ford Field in rows of two.
• They cannot wear Lions logos or team colors. Although there is blue in their uniforms, it will not be “Honolulu blue.”
Delightfully moronic. Don’t ever change Detroit.
Hesitant prediction time: Ho boy. Time for the big boy pants here, ladies. I predicted the Vikings would win in a nail biter last week, and if our coach didn’t have used condoms for brains we probably would have kicked some field goals and done so. I failed to take this into consideration in my last prediction, so I apologize. I’m of the mind now that Brad still hasn’t thought to play it conservative or exploitative yet, and that the Vikings will continue to beat themselves up. There are several things about this game that worry the dumps out of me. First, Ndamukong Suh is going to have the greatest day of his young professional career, I can promise you that. Favre may die this Sunday, and while I’ll be sad to see the team’s chances this year plummet, I will be excited to see him finally get carted off the field as a quadriplegic. Also, Jahvid Best is primed to take our porous looking run defense to task as well. Combine that with Shaun Hill who looks like a competent QB when not being coached by Childress, and the Lions may end up playing with just enough reckless abandon to win this game. Fuck, I kind of hope it happens. Imagine how awesome those two weeks will be over the bye week, what with people complaining, speculation about firings, retirings, and all sorts of stuff. It’ll be epic. Just because of that, I’m going to predict a 20-17 Lions win and just wait for the shit show to erupt in the coming weeks. Join me, won’t you?
Remember, keep Tweeting away during the game, as we’ll post our Tweets O’ the Game in the Monday game review, follow us on Facebook for more off handed and stupid comments, and feel free to e-mail us any questions, hate mail, or arousing pictures in our Contact page. See you Monday.