Tell me if these numbers look familiar: 112 passing yards. 133 rushing yards. 39.6 QB rating. While these numbers are more reflective of the actual numbers which were put up by three different quarterbacks and four different rushers (the rating was all that ass face TarVar, however) in last night’s game against the Denever Broncos, they do look eerily similar to numbers once seen during Brad Childress’ first year as head coach of the Vikings. Since that time, he’s shuffled through a myriad of aborted NFL quarterbacks, always holding on to Tarvaris Jackson, thinking that he is some hidden diamond in the rough. Then came Brett Favre, who I still wish would die of ass cancer, and he showed fans what a competent offensive mind could actually do with the tools that have been accumulated on this team. Fans should take note. What Favre has done isn’t anything “Favre-ish” or typical of his Hall of Fame career. What he’s done is just took some freedom away from this idiot coach and attacked a defense. I bet Darrell Bevell could do it too, if he was allowed to call plays. But as long as Brad Childress is coach, TarVar – and really any other quarterback we get that isn’t already a HOFer before he gets on this roster – will continue to be undeveloped and horrible, wasting this teams’ chances away like a pedophile wastes away in jail.
This quarterback debate has gone full retard: Here is a list of the top 10 things that are horrible about planet Earth, now and historically, from least worst to the absolute worst:
1. The Gulf of Mexico oil spill and recent oil rig explosion yesterday
2. Hollywood and their rash of horrible movie remakes and sequels
3. Tom Cruise
4. Attractive girls who understand their privacy settings on Facebook
5. Anything and everything relating to the Green Bay Packers
6. The Holocaust and Hitler
7. The World Trade Center Bombings
8. Cancer in your dick
9. LifeTime Original movies
10. Tarvaris Jackson as the Minnesota Vikings quarterback
Seriously. It’s not even that Joe Webb is any better, because really, in a game situation he’s probably not, but Jackson is so clearly terrible that it’s more obvious that a tranny in Miami. If Sage is traded or cut from this team in favor of Jackson, or Webb is released in his favor, I am going to write a very sternly worded letter.
Mushroom Stamp of Approval – Joe Webb: With that being said, this offensive game against the Broncos was hard to watch. It was so hard to watch I almost ended up watching a Twins game. That is until Joe Webb came in and showed people what a project quarterback is at least supposed to look like. For the record, he should be able to make awesome plays with his feet, show flashes in learning accuracy on passes, show potentially great arm strength, and some desire to lead a team. Webb has done all of that and more this preseason, and especially last night with his nifty 41 yard dash and 63 yard touchdown pass to Javon Walker (Javon Walker?). Oh, and he actually was able to compete several screen passes without lifting both feet off of the ground, something TarVar has never been able to do. If that isn’t reason enough to keep him over Jackson, I don’t know what is. Honestly. Would a Klondike Bar do it? Maybe a Neapolitan one?
People I like: Outside of Webb, several other people showed flashes of not deserving to be in the unemployment line come Saturday. I think the Vikings really need to find a way to keep Young and Reynaud on the team, as both runners have looked better than Gerhart (who they’ll keep anyway) with decisive runs and consistency. Javon Walker looks to be working his way on to the roster as well, as he was the leading receiver, thanks to the long ball from Webb. But even besides that he looked good in run blocking and snatching the ball out of the air when thrown his way too. Also, I did just say snatch there, so I wanted to bring attention to that. Finally, on defense Erin Henderson showed up big, in a variety of positions as well (*teehee*), as he was working both middle and outside linebacker in this game. His nine tackles led the team and his two fumble recoveries and one touchdown were obviously huge in this game. However, Erin is still the proper way to spell that name for a woman, so we need to give him a nickname soon.
People who can suck it: I’ll say it again, but if Marcus Sherels makes this team, even with the Vikings current lack of cornerback depth, I will shatter a beer glass into my face. He is horrible, which shouldn’t be a surprise as he was coached by Kevin Cosgrove at the University of Minnesota, who, by the way, almost lost to Middle Tennessee State last night. Come on. And I DO NOT care that he almost, kind of sacked Kyle Orton tonight. He also is responsible for every single touchdown given up last night. Somehow. DeAndre Wright is in that same boat as I’m pretty sure he just stuck around camp solely as an extra body. Also, I didn’t see that dick Chris Clark play any left tackle tonight (although I could have just been drunk), which also makes me think this is why the running game looked so much better. However, whether he did play or was just fluffing his nuts in the locker room all game, I am done with him too and fully expect my taxes to be paying for his wellness in about five weeks, or however fast the state is able to process unemployment applications these days.
Tebow is the QB Butterface: I have never been so confused about a quarterback’s skill level than I was with Tebow last night. His delivery is uglier than Maggie Gyllenhaal. He lofts ducks almost to a King Laserface level. He’s not really that fast once you get him attempting to run through an NFL defense, and he can’t throw anything over 15 yards with any more accuracy than my sister could, and she’s got a damn good arm. And yet that shorn prick went 12 for 16 with 167 yards, one touchdown, and a 102.9 QB rating. Would I take those numbers for a Vikings quarterback? Even like a starting Vikings quarterback not names Brett Favre? Fuck yes I would. And the way he did kept blowing my mind. He’d almost get buttsecksed by a prowling defensive end from the Vikings, yet still get the ball away in time to complete the pass for a first down. Sure, sure … he’s a leader, and these are just his intangibles. Bullshit. Tebow is a horrible fucking NFL quarterback and that’s just fact. Yet him and his Jesus powers keep making him look good. The only thing I know for sure is that his career is going to be a long one for me, a long time of me hating his alleged pure soul with all of my petty, worthless being. But not really, because it’s just Tebow. What the fuck do I care.
Tweets O’ the Game: As usual, during every post-game recap, we take our favorite Tweets from the followers we are stupid enough to follow and post them in this failing little section called Tweets O’ the Game. If you have a Twitter account and are Tweeting during the game your stupid incoherent drunken ramblings, well … boy. I sure would like to read them. Follow us here or leave your Twitter account in the comments and maybe even YOU will make an appearance here throughout the week! Sexy! Anyway, on to this week’s batch. We begin with week’s Tweets with VikingsNow:
Your captains tonight: LB Heath Farwell and K Ryan Longwell.
OOOOOOOO!!! This is how you knew it was going to be a barn burner last night. Special Teams aces representing foolz!! Also, was Longwell the only starter who played? Outside of maybe Lito because there weren’t any other options. Regardless, remind me never to buy a preseason game number four ticket. Next, from MNVikingsGuy:
my 90 year old grandfather, who died 7 years ago, could have made better throws than T. Jack just did.
Well … Uh … I am very sorry for your loss, and with all due respect to you and your grandfather, that sounds like a load of shit. Why? Because there is no way at the age of 90, or 97 and dead, that any human would be able to display the unique amount of athleticism and jumping that TarVar shows. Which … is probably the whole reason he would be better. Also from ESPN1500’s Tom Pelissero (does that name remind anyone else of penis at all?) comes:
Tim Tebow throws what appeared to be a loaf of bread in a grocery store and Tyrell Johnson picks it off. Easy as they come.
Uh … I am not entirely sure about the use of this allusion, but I did want to bring note to this game event for one reason. That was probably the easiest pick Tyrell Johnson has ever seen in his life. And I’ll give it to him that he nabbed it pretty deftly and had a sexy little return with it. However, also has to be his career highlight, which just makes me furious. Enough with this pussy footing already and give the safety job to Sanford. Now, from PackersLounge comes:
Did Favre play tonight? Did he suck?
Uh oh! Whooahoehoe!! I see what you did there! Readers, if you don’t follow any Packer fans on Twitter or have any real life friends that are Packer fans, you probably aren’t a masochist. I however am. While their ramblings are often times inane and mind numbing, they do produce gems every one in a while during their own games. I don’t have the Tweet now, but I’m pretty sure some fans were orgasming over how great Justin Harell has played this preseason and how there is NO WAY he’ll slide through to waivers, like the other 31 teams would kill their mothers to get him. Wait … that kind of sounds like Joe Webb talk. ……… Whatever, fuck those guys. Finally, from everyone’s favorite CapitalJsCorner comes:
haha nate triplett just tackled air.
Stupid Nate Triplett. Take Sherels with you when you leave.
A winning haiku for a Vikings win:
If Adrian is
The second coming of Christ,
Is TarVar Satan?
Thank god the preseason is finally over. Let’s trim some roster fat now and get on to next Thursday where we will royally get fisted by the Saints to start the season. At least that will help to lower expectations for the rest of the year then, right? … Right? Oh, and see you Monday as well, despite the holiday, with some posts for fun. Enjoy the weekend, and don’t drive with an open container.