That was the ugliest prom dance ever (except for Purple Jesus): Sure, sure, the prom was “won” so to speak, as the school jock and cheerleader were voted king and queen and everyone learned to appreciate fat people by the end of the game, BUT NOT HERE. WE FUCKING HATE FAT PEOPLE. And this prom dance was ugly and just further cemented how much I think the Vikings are screwed as a football team in 2010. Take note: A Favre led offense that had plenty of time to find a groove managed 10 points against the Seahawks defense, who I am pretty sure is starting seven rookies, a toaster oven, peanut shells, glass shards, and used toilet paper on defense. And their defense finger banged the Vikings offense Don Draper style. Sure, there were some sustained drives by the Vikings, and the Silver Fox DID throw for 187 in about a half game of play, but … really? This is Seattle. They’re no better than the Lions with a veteran quarterback. Maybe worse too. Speaking of Lions, did anyone see Ndamukong Suh attempt to decapitate Jake Delhomme’s head in their preseason game? Yeah, shit got real in the NFC North this season, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Also? I am now 1-2 in my predictions, so we can’t rely on the whole “pick the opposite!” shtick that we were hoping. I DEMAND MY FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE!!
Prom queen = Mushroom Stamp of Approval: Last year I almost never did this, but I am a bit too giddy about what I saw on Saturday night to hold back. Yes, I am giving the Mushroom Stamp of Approval to Adrian Peterson, aka Purple Jesus, and it is for several reasons. First, I had a fantasy football draft for a different non-website-related league and ended up with Peterson as my top pick there, so I still have a huge boner after that. Second, his touchdown run of 24 yards as seen in the highlight package up top was a perfect reminder of why we started calling this guy Purple Jesus in the first place. For new readers here, Peterson and I (Ed. note – It was just me. Peterson never knew about it, aside from my watching his house from his bushes) had a bit of a tissy towards the end of last season where I temporarily stripped him of his Purple Jesus nickname. I was sick of his fumbles and I was sick of him brushing them off, and I was sick of him only rushing for 120 yards a game. Excuse me, but you CANNOT break 2,000 yards in a season with those numbers. Regardless, no, Peterson isn’t quite back to his boxer-wetting stage for me, but watching him this last game and seeing how desperately the team probably needs to get back to the running game that made them quasi-successful two years ago without Favre, you get the feeling PJ is in for a big year, and me? I will be in for a big erection.
I’m all smug face about this defense: So this defense has given up one touchdown in three preseason games? And that’s top to bottom too; starters down to 12th stringers. There was the kick return against St. Louis, the Anthony Dixon run on the road against a good team, and then a pick-six from the savior quarterback this weekend. I don’t mean to sound like a rube sucking my own cock here, but that makes me all smug face. Sure, Seattle’s offense handed the Vikings defensive line by the balls this week, and sure the safety play looks atrocious still (which also makes Antoine Winfield look like he’s slow and out of position which is FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE), but the numbers don’t lie. You keep the other team out of the endzone and that’s usually a good thing. And if we’re to believe what everyone always says about the preseason, that team’s play white boy defense, then it’s almost even more impressive. Vanilla D and you still confuse the shit out of three teams? Jay Cutler is going to have a seizure against the Vikings, and I can’t wait. I will say this, too. There are some pieces here that still look awesome, and will, for quite some time. Specifically, Chris Cook and Asher Allen. I like those two. Now watch, in two years are run defense will have more people running through it than your mom went the rent is due and the pass defense will be stellar. So is the nature of the beast, however. In my pants. What?
I’m all rage mode about these quarterbacks: On the other hand? This quarterback situation is a bonafide fucking disaster. Favre looks old and stupid and tired and old and terrible. He will regress to the mean, without question, this year, and be good for AT LEAST 15 interceptions, probably at the worst time possible. And there’s nothing this team can do about it. They’ll have to start him. On the other hand, let’s say Favre were to magically get ass cancer and miss a second half, Childress would just start TarVar anyway, who has been hands down the worst of the available alternate quarterbacks. I would honest to god rather put Greg Camarillo back there instead of TarVar at this point. Sage has been the best quarterback on the roster, clearly, and even Joe Webb has more potential than Jump Pass. It’s unreal. But we’ll end up trading Sage, trying to pass Webb through waivers, lose both, and end up with two quarterbacks and three kickers. Jesus Christ I will kill a hobo if that happens, I swear it. And speaking of offense, let’s also just touch on Javon Walker here, specifically his touchdown reception. Sure, it’s a great story that he came back to an NFL team and is trying to get back in the game after his knee injury and two other teams he played for, but my god. He looks like he belongs in the NFL right now about as much Michael Cera does. If we have to rely on him for anything outside of a decoy this team is fucked up towards the collar bones.
And speaking of shitty quarterback play: Don’t one of you dare defend any of those Favre interceptions. They were both terrible, and quite frankly, he should have thrown AT LEAST two others, for a total of four. That’s more than a hat trick, clit pinchers. This is what Favre is going to be like all season. The face that he only threw seven last year is OUTRAGEOUS. If you think it had anything to do with Childress’ offense than you may just be retarded enough to give me your life savings. The fact is that last season was a statistical aberration for Favre, and there is zero chance he will repeat it. Zero. And just like Packer fans of old, I am going to be bombarded with ball washing Viking fans who will be hanging off the cock tip of 2009-Favre, thinking that he can do no wrong. My god, people. You realize this is exactly what we made fun of Packer fans for doing for 17 years? That’s probably longer and older than 79% of this readership. This is what Favre does, and if I have to sit around and listen to a bunch of friends and fans giving Favre a back rub, cleansing his gooch, lubing up his feet and fucking them … I will lose it. Seriously, you just cannot justify it, to yourself or your god, whatever her name is, Ann Carroll or whatever. She can’t be alive, right?
Rookie report as told to you by VIKTOR the VIKING: “HEY THERE you little pedophile touching SICKO FUCKS! It is GOD DAMN great to see your glowing little pudgy faces again here on PURPLE JESUS FUCKING DIARIES, where I love to stop by and SWEAR and DO COKE and FUCK STRIPPERS and tell you all about YOUNG MEN RUNNING AROUND IN TIGHT CLOTHING! Shit yeah I was at the game this last weekend. You may have noticed me hitting that cheerleader in the north east corner DOGGY STYLE? I WAS USING MY HELMET HORN BOOOSSSHH!! It was awesome. ANYWAY, you little CUNT SLAPPERS asked me to fill you in on the rookie play? Let’s just say IT WAS FUCKING ORGASMIC!!! Chris DeGeare has been placed in as starter because some OTHER FUCK is crying about an injury to his CLITORIS!! Toby Gerhart DIDN’T LOOK SO FUCKING WHITE this weekend running and catching, and CHRIS COOK balled his balls out like a pimp with blue balls. HE’S GOING TO BE RUNNING THE KING OF DIAMONDS IN NO TIME!! You know who I love too? That D’IMPERIO kid. No, not because he’s kicking that FUCKING FUCK HOLE TAHI off the roster with his good play, but because he hooks me up with that EAST COAST GUIDO BLOW that will fucking make you LOSE AN EYE OUT YOUR SOCKET, BITCH!! It’s going to be a good year with that little fuck around.”
Tweets O’ the Game: As usual, during every post-game recap, we take our favorite Tweets from the followers we are stupid enough to follow and post them in this failing little section called Tweets O’ the Game. If you have a Twitter account and are Tweeting during the game your stupid incoherent drunken ramblings, well … boy. I sure would like to read them. Follow us here or leave your Twitter account in the comments and maybe even YOU will make an appearance here throughout the week! Sexy! Anyway, on to this week’s batch. We begin with week’s Tweets with one directly from Brian Robison that was actually before the game:
Sitting at the hotel, tonight is the the night to soar to heights that no seahawk can go.
Ohhh, huhuhok smart alleck! I see what you did there! A little opponent animal fun, huh? Good one! Next we have a comment from BenjaminJDawson, a local douche bag who also likes the Gophers:
Peterson left quite a few yards on the field by cutting outside instead of back in. #ComplainingAboutBigPlaysinPreseasonFootball
Ah yes, nitpicking and complaining about preseason football. It’s like freaking out because the access you had to your neighbors free wi-fi is on the fritz or running too slow because they have a shitty router. We call those #FirstWorldProblems. And they are the best kind of problems. Next from L_LYNGSTAD comes this gem that I can’t really tell if it’s sarcastic or not:
Favre looks like he’s loving life out there. Awesome.
You see, the joke is that people always make that claim with Favre, that he’s always having fun out there, yet OTHER people use that term in a sarcastic manner. I was going to say this was used in the latter sense, because of the added on “awesome”, which clearly suggests an eye roll as well. As it should, because fuck Favre. Also, from Vikings Update comes this notation:
Marcus Sherels with a nice interception, but he was caught after a 35-yard return by QB Charlie Whitehurst. That will leave a mark.
Seriously. If I hear one more comment about ANY former Golden Gopher and how they should be on this professional football team, I will punch you in your uterus. Sherels got chased down by a fucking quarterback, people. One that sucks, with long hair, not named JP Losman. Understand that. Finally, your obligatory Favre testicle sucking comes from MichaelInMaine:
Favre will shine when it means something… 1 INT wasn’t even his fault…
Yeah, see, I’m pretty sure this one isn’t sarcastic. But really? Listen to yourself. We are now Minnesota Vikings fans making excuses for Favre interceptions. You can run and tell that, homeboy. Disgusting.
A winning haiku for a Vikings win:
Forty Seven Yards
For Camarillo, the best
Grounds keeper around.
Enjoy the week of explaining how Favre’s interceptions weren’t his fault, gang. We’ll be around this week with further updates and penis references, as well as back with an early game day preview Thursday morning for the last preseason game against the Denver Tebows. Looking forward to it.