Playoff Previews: Stadium Profiles of the Poor and Famous

A lot of talk has been made early this week about the star studded and very affluent Dallas Cowboys having a competitive advantage over the smaller revenue and less privileged Minnesota Vikings. A lot of this comes back to the fact that the Cowboys have a huge fucking stadium and a crazy devil worshipping owner that has pockets that go to China, but to leave it at this simplifies the matter too much. I mean, the Vikings have an old fucking stadium and a Jewish worshipping owner who has hands in Jerry’s pockets. Eeeeee … Anyway, today PJD will take a look at the upcoming Cowboys and Vikings game by profiling each team’s stadium and then offering our final analysis as to who the game winner will be based on two totally inanimate objects. We’ll continue this playoff theme throughout the week and offer our final prediction based on these Budweiser COLD HARD FACTS as well as many other things that don’t to relate to the game at all come Friday. So enjoy. Continue on for the stadium profiles …

Cowboys Stadium – Arlington, Texas:

Brief history: After opening in Arlington, Texas on May 27th, 2009, Cowboys Stadium had to sit around like a freaky Death Star looking Chinese Bird Nest for like three months before it even got to sniff at its real purpose of hosting a football game. Other than that, I think the other most notable thing that has happened there was when somebody played Halo on the huge TV screen. Cowboys Stadium is also known as “Jerry’s World”, “Jones-Mahal”, “Death Star”, and “Hey Look at us we Have a Tiny Penis”.

Record attendance: 105,121 during a Dallas Cowboys game versus the New York Giants on September 20th, 2009. Only 850 of them thought the “Cowboys and Giants” was the title for a Cirque de Solei show they had hoped to attend.

Little known fact: The “Jerry-Tron”, the world’s largest High Definition television screen, is hoisted above the middle of the football field. It has been notable for its size (160 by 72 feet) but also because it’s totally an illegal piece of shit that interferes with punts and would interfere with Brett Favre throwing a super long touchdown pass, because even at 40 he could rocket that bitch through the opening in the roof and that video screen is just in the way.

Concession samples: In Cowboys Stadium the notable concession that has made news since inception has been the $60 pizza, or some bullshit like that. Jerry Jones has partnered with former Pizza Hutt President, Michael Rawlings, to provide this fantastic dish that must have toppings from endangered or even extinct animals in order for it to cost so much. What’s that? … You only have options of pepperoni and cheese? And it’s still $60? Yup, they are definitely money grubbing whores in Texas. I’ll take a Valentino’s, thank you very much.

Smells like: A mixture of inferiority complex and ass backwardsness. Also, there may be just a hint of Sandalwood if you breathe deeply enough. Mmmmm!

Does not allow: Individuals of Hispanic descent into the stadium (otherwise they would have built it to house 800,000 obviously) and individuals with darker skin tones, unless they are covered with oil or if they are actually playing on the football team. These are facts, people. Don’t go to Texas.

Average sexual escapades within the stadium: Thus far only 17 (Ed. Note – Number totally made up, but probably true). You have to figure that in a stadium as big as this and as new as this that people are chomping at the bit to think they are the first couple to “christen” the new stadium, when in fact that honor belongs to Jerry Jones the minute he asked tax payers to finance his pleasure palace. Did you know it is right across from a Wal-Mart?

Hubert H. Humphery Metrodome – Minneapolis, Minnesota:

Brief history: Opening on April 3rd, 1982, the Hubert H. Humphery Metrodome was a marvel among sports cathedrals at the time. It was a utilitarian stadium built in a cold northern climate that was meant to house viewers comfortably and service them widely, much like your mother. The Metrodome, frequently referred to as “The Dome”, “The Hood”, “That Ugly Fucking Stadium” and recently “Zygi’s Hood”, is also the only venue to host a World Series, an All Star Game, a Super Bowl, and a Finial Four event. So … yeah, take that dicks!

Record attendance: Obviously, the record attendance will be set this Sunday when the Vikings play the Cowboys, and, just to spite Jerry Jones, Zygi will squeeze 105,122 people inside the tomb-like walls. Take that, Texas!

Little known fact: The Metrodome famously has a swastika on the roof of the Teflon dome, but did you know the swastika was actually a symbol for peace and love before the Nazi’s ruined it symbolism? It’s true. We’re just having a big old orgy in the Dome. Also, those speakers that totally don’t pump in crowd noise to make the place louder? They are a legit field-of-play obstacle, and in no way comparable to that large TV in Texas. Not at all.

Concessions samples: Dome Dogs! Do they taste like shit? Do they hurt your stomach when eating them? Are they paired with the greasiest, blandest, most generic looking potato chips you could ever imagine? Yes to all. But god damn if those things don’t cost a dollar on Wednesdays during old Twins games, and like hell I’m not putting bacteria infested relish and onions on it. I’m at a fucking football game, not getting a pedicure. Keep that million dollar shit tasting pizza away from me.

Smells like: Disappointment, heart break, and sweaty merkin. Also, a hint of pine, since we’re a northern state, you know.

Does not allow: Packer fans inside very kindly, or fat people who sit in two seats. Luckily, there are arm rests on those plush chairs, so if their rolls come over the sides you can just rest your arms on them.

Average sexual escapes within the stadium: I’d say a strong average of one a year. That Minnesota-Iowa one probably goes down in infamy though. Poor man, having to have sex with that woman like thing.

Verdict:

Quite clearly the stadium comparison favors the Vikings here. I mean, look at the facts people. If size mattered, I never would have had sexual relations. Your stadium also has no direct relation to the type of team that you field. Hey, Ford Field is a pretty bitching stadium, right? The Lions suck. The Bengals’ Paul Brown Stadium? Awesome looking. Team? Not so much. The point here is that Cowboys Stadium is a giant inferiority complex that is only topped by someone actually driving around in Peter Griffin’s penis car, except with two huge giant testicles dragging behind it. It is so fucking obvious how much Texas feels forgotten as a state (you’re not actually a part of Mexico? Odd) that this becomes almost laughable. Also, in an economic recession such as we are in now a stadium like this is a huge penis slap in the face for all those people that don’t have jobs and are losing their homes. Sorry, idiots, Jerry has to have his palace!

Also, don’t underestimate the hood factor, as Shiancoe puts it. Living, practicing, playing and whopping ass in a clearly inferior venue throughout the season provides a distinct psychological edge. When the Cowboys get to the stadium they’ll be so concerned about their lack of hot water in the locker room, the lack of plush seats to rest on, the absence of semi-retarded bimbo blondes sucking their Hobbit toes, and the horrible sky boxes for Jerry to sit in, that they’ll be playing catch up the whole day. The Vikings? This is hood rat shit, mang, this is how we roll. The team and the fans don’t need fancy shit to break someone’s face in. We’ll do that in a dark alley behind Target Center with a spiked fucking bat like BLAOW! It is rugged here, both in how shitty the stadium is and how stupid some people are here, and that attitude is going to step on some Cowboy balls come Sunday.

Advantage: VIKINGS.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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