Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: One Last Rebound Chance

And now we find ourselves in this position: After building up this false sense of invisibility over the course of 15 regular season games, the Minnesota Vikings and Minnesota Vikings fans find themselves now at the end of their ropes. After two consecutive losses, which would be the norm on any other Brad Childress team not quarterbacked by Brett Favre, the team seems to be in shambles. The offense isn’t clicking, the defense looks broken, special teams is slipping, chemistry is gone, they’re still wearing those ugly damn uniforms, and most importantly that sense of superiority and entitlement has gone out the window with the bath water. I think that’s the term old people use. However, all is not lost. The Vikings will be playing beyond this weekend. When that game will be played, as well as who the opponent will be, has yet to be determined. And there are glimmers of hope out there. Reports from the coaching staff that adjustments need to be made on defense, and the free wheeling of Favre in the second of the Chicago game are indicators that perhaps, just perhaps Viking fans, the team has fought through their speed bump and are on the way back to their dominance. We’ll all find out as a game that five weeks ago no one thought would matter all of a sudden carries grand arching effects for the state of Minnesota as the New York Giants conclude the regular season at the Metrodome. Excited?! Yeah, me neither. It’s more of you just trying to fight off that sinking feeling in your gut that everything has gone to absolute horse shit and the past 16 weeks have been the most enormous cock tease since the Olsen twins. Even if the Vikings do win you won’t find their fate out until later until the Eagles and Cowboys play the late game. It’s a harsh thing, not controlling your own destiny, but that’s the bed the Vikings have made in 2009. Now they either have to sleep in it, or bring some drunk chick home from the bar and pull her hair until the wee morning hours. … I think we’re hoping for the later.

Thanks to a rube named Chumps from Rube Chat for another Game Day Preview graphic!

Why do we always play the Giants? Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. I did a quick check back to the 2000 season when the Vikings fought their little hearts out in the Conference Championship but lost 41-0 (remember that?! Of course you do), and since then the Vikings and Giants have played every year in the regular season except for in 2006. 10 football seasons and we’ve played the Giants in nine of them. That is stupid. No wonder I hate the Giants so much. I hate stupid Manning Face in New York, I hate how he pussied his way from San Diego to New York, I hate Michael Strahan, Justin Tuck, and especially their mind blowingly retarded Subway commercials. I giggle like a school girl every time I think about how big of a bitch Tiki Barber is for retiring the year before they won the Super Bowl when he was still perfectly capable of still physically playing, and I think Tom Coughlin is a professional Mike Leach, but without the ball brandishing attitude. I am happy that they got prison raped in their last game at Giants Stadium. Good. Go to hell. You play in New Jersey anyway, you idiots. Or at least they used to until they had the brilliant idea to build a new football stadium right along the river in Manhattan which will be flooded in the next five years after global warming really takes it’s course and sinks that island. God, your team sucks. Even TarVar beat them last year. Sure, the second stringers were in but it doesn’t matter. That’s still telling. And it’s telling you that you smell worse than Randy Moss’s beard and that you’re more annoying then that last smear of poop you can’t get rid of. Don’t you hate that? Die in an overdose, Giants.

Did the offense find its groove again? I’m not being facetious here, and don’t take me at my word for this because I obviously have no inside knowledge on anything ever at all, but don’t you kind of feel like that last game against Chicago Favre and Childress decided to just air some shit out and see what would happen? Let Childress call the plays in the first half and then let Brett get into a groove in the second? I mean, we all saw what happened in the second half there. It looked like the Vikings team that we saw beating up on Cleveland like they had red hair or something. That team definitely looked to be back, and I have a hard time believing that Childress, as stupid as he is, would pull the reigns back on that with so much at stake. I kind of feel that he knows what’s going on now, who’s really running this team, and as sick as it makes my stomach after a night of drinking it sure as shit looks like it’s Favre right now. And that’s fine. If he can average 30 points a half for the rest of the season I’ll feel pretty good about the Vikings’ chances to get to the big game and win it. You also get the impression that the Bears loss, while a head shaker and plenty infuriating for fans, didn’t have the same effect on the players and team. There hasn’t been much brew-ha-ha over all of this in the media this week and you just feel like the players got their minds right again. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong because I’ve just been paying more attention to college bowl games, but I actually think the Vikings will be fine. They do need this two seed though, or there may be trouble. But if I’m worried, I don’t think I’m worried about the offense anymore.

So we’re rooting for the Cowboys on Sunday: How sick does that make you feel? The most self congratulatory football team perhaps in history is the one Viking fans have to root for, like we haven’t done enough for them already with the Hershel Walker trade. Jerk offs. If they don’t end up beating the Eagles, on the home field, with a hot Cowboys team, after getting alley-stripper-pimp slapped in last year’s regular season finale, I am going to permanently hate them worse than erectile dysfunction. The Eagles team is beatable, especially with the Cowboys offense as it’s running right now and after the Broncos almost did a number on them in Philadelphia. And the Cowboys have a reason to play for it so that they would get another home game in the playoffs. I mean, come on, just do this for us, huh? One thing. The Vikings need it for the bye otherwise they’re going to be screwed on the road, assuming probably wrongfully that they’ll win their first game. I’ll even take back “most” of the mean things I’ve ever said about Texas. They have really tasty barbecue! Mmmmmm! How about that? Good enough to steal a win from the Eagles? Hope so. Thankfully my local Comcast cable box says that in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area we will be shown this game immediately following the Vikings game, so prepare for six hours of nail biting playoff determination! And try to ignore your significant other as she cries from being ignored. You can clear that up Monday.

LA Vikings Stadium?

PJD’s Mail Dump: Got a couple of good questions for the Mail Dump this week, so let’s get right to it. For the record, we could definitely use more questions, comments, whatever else from people, to flesh this section out. I mean, I can’t write that shit for you, so come on, let’s step things up here. But to start, from mcge0100 comes what I am assuming is a topical question:

“will the massive amount of alcohol consumed by Purple Jesus affect his performance against the Vagiants?”

See, you think it would, but there are two issues with that line of thought. First of all, PJ isn’t a pussy. If he’s getting shmasted on a Thursday night (I assume this is about New Year’s Eve, right?) there’s not a hang over he’s met in his life that has prevented him from fisting some team come Sunday afternoon. That’s so far in the future he’s not even anticipating Sunday yet. The other part to this is that you might be forgetting that he probably has the highest blood-alcohol content evrar, since you can drink his blood as wine in Church. Dude is fucked up all the time. He’ll be fine come Sunday.

From Scott comes:

“Is it actually a possibility that the Vikings are moving to L.A? If so, what [team] are you gonna follow?”

I hate to say it but yeah, I think it’s a real possibility. Every single player in this stadium issue has been acting like a total dick about it, and I anticipate nothing moving forward in a fashion that would appease Mr. Wilf. Big surprise? No, but wholly depressing. Wilf won’t keep on bleeding money into this franchise without any revenue coming his way, which the current stadium set up doesn’t allow. Either there will be some last minute, midnight signing type shit to work this out or they move to LA the next day. What do I do if that happens? I don’t know. I haven’t read Christmas Ape’s Fan Manifesto or whatever, but there are some rules there for following a team that relocates. Let’s say I choose a new team though. I hate the entire NFC East, AFC East, and most of the AFC North, so that limits things. I guess I kind of like the Texans, but mostly because they’re harmless and that would suck to cheer for. I guess I would follow whatever team drafts Ndamukong Suh, because I’ve got a massive Bro-ner for him. I guess this could be the Rams or the Bucs, so holy shit I’m hoping the Vikings don’t move.

Finally, from myself I ask you, fair reader, the following question:

“Seriously, what are you going to do if the Vikings lose to the Packers in the first round of the playoffs, if it happens to set up that way?”

I’ll call quits on football, I swear it. Ok … I don’t, because it’s probably going to happen, but man I would not be very happy.

Thanks for those who participated and keep sending things in when you get them. Anything and everything goes. Email, Twitter, Facebook, comments. You know the drill. Sex questions are fun. Just saying.

Here’s an off topic time waster for this long weekend: Hey, you probably listen to one or two rap music songs, right? I sure have in my day! Aren’t some of those lyrics weird and strange? Well, now we can all finally make fun of them over at “Snacks and shit”! Hurray! But seriously, even some of the better rappers out there say some stupid shit and get busted on this website. My favorite recent one?

“Money fuckin’ retarded call it Down syndrome money.”

-Busta Rhymes, La La by Lil Wayne

“Do you guys accept Down syndrome money here?”

“Sir, get out.”

Thanks, I’ll think I’ll just keep on calling it money.

What the fuck. What’s your favorite? You could kill some pretty decent time on here, like when you’re waiting to find out whether or not the Eagles lost, or if you have wireless and take your computer into the bathroom when pooping.

Obligatory attractive looking Giants fan/cheerleader: Normally, this is where I would say that the Giants cheerleaders are gross, that they are imported from France, and that all of their fans smell like Ninja Turtles. Well … that picture isn’t exactly unattractive and I imagine her butt smells of lavender, but I knew that this couldn’t be representative of their cheerleading squad. And guess what? IT ISN’T! That’s because the Giants don’t even have cheerleaders! *SHOCK!* Can you believe it?! They’re like the stupid Packers! But at least the Packers have an excuse in that they are all conservative farmers that are attracted to men in tight white pants anyway. New York? I mean, like David Cross said, every day in New York you are confronted with the terrible decision of gawking at either the most attractive woman you have ever seen in your life or the weirdest looking man that has ever crossed your path. WHAT DO YOU DO?? It’s almost mind boggling to consider the options. Despite this, they couldn’t get anyone to cheerlead for them? Are they afraid of offending their fans in perhaps the most sexually promiscuous city in the world? Maybe they just don’t want to take the trip to New Jersey. I guess I don’t blame them. What a tramp stamp, by the way. Jesus.

Prediction bound to be wrong again: Well, I’ve said repeatedly that there is NO WAY that the Vikings will lose this upcoming game previewed because either A) the opposing team is shitty of B) I trust this Vikings team to rebound. Have I learned my lesson? ……… No. There is every chance that the Giants can beat the Vikings on Sunday, every chance in the world. But god dammit, I don’t see it happening again. I mean, really??! A couple things here. They haven’t lost a home game yet, and they obviously have been playing better during noon games then late games throughout the season. It ust be because Favre wakes like any grandpa at 5:15 AM everyday. Luckily, this is a noon game at home. Seems simple despite this December slide, right? Shit, I think so. I also really believe, and probably falsely, that the offense found itself again and that it will continue it’s roll into the playoffs with a win over the Giants, like, say, 35-17. Now, will this happen? You bet your ass it won’t. We both know that this is setting up for a horrible, horrible let down where the Vikings end up with the fourth seed and then lose to Green Bay next weekend. It’s going to happen. But until it does so, I’m going to pretend like this Vikings team is who we thought they were and that they’ll beat the shit out of the Giants enough to appease a frantic skirt wearing fan base right now. Or at least I hope so, because I can’t take much more of Viking fan’s tears.

Enjoy the game people. Sorry for the late preview. I admittedly took New Year’s Day off here. See you again Monday for a game review as we gear up for the playoffs!


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.