Purple People Apparel: The NFL Draft Hat

The NFL approved apparel sucks. Let’s just get that out there. You ever buy an item from the NFL.com shop or any of the team sites? The prevailing thought is apparently that all of their customers are men who must weigh at least 240 pounds. The shirts you get from them are wider than they are long. I guess that’s perfect to let your belly hang out? I must not be privy to all of the best NFL t-shirt wearing trends as of now.

Regardless of the shirts, I think we can all agree that football baseball caps are the epitome of sucktitude. It’s a baseball cap … with a football logo on it. Huh? It doesn’t even make sense. It’s like those baseball hats with argyle patterns. Why does your hat have argyle on it? Are you going to play tennis in your baseball hat later? That’s fucking retarded. Same with a football logo on a baseball cap. It doesn’t work, and it never has.

Now, there have been some pretty horrendous baseball hats out there. The sideline hats are the worst. They are so bad, in fact, that the league at one point recently decided they needed to try their hand at making a good looking sideline hat twice a year; typically before and after the bye weeks. As you can see, they have yet to succeed. They’re terrible. They’re worse than terrible. They’re like watching Ellen Degeneres smile. GAH! Get that beast away from me!

For our intent and purposes today though, and with the NFL Draft coming up tomorrow, we look at this year’s NFL Draft hat. And I must say, it’s not as large of a diarrhea-fest as I thought it would be. The all white hat with the purple stitching is actually not gag reflex inducing, so at least they have that going for it. However, as with any NFL team hat, seeing a football team on a baseball cap still looks weird. It’s just an off feeling you get, like something isn’t quite right, like you are feeling your pants tighten around your mom. NOT COOL. Except I guess this would be the opposite, like your pants untightening when seeing this shitty hat. You know what I mean.

The other issue is the asymmetry of the hat. I fucking hate your asymmetry. It’s not natural and perfect! The purple triangle with the Vikings’ team name and illegible text is stupid. In case you can’t read it though, all if says is “National Football League, NFC-North, Minneapolis, MN.” I am assuming that this is all for a quick crash course for the brilliant young NFL talent that is being drafted by each team? “The Panthers? SHIT! Are they north or south??” Well, the NFL was thoughtful enough to put that information on the hat for the lucky draftee. And while I think it’s messy, stupid, and asymmetrical, I do suppose it’s a great educational tool in the southern states. ZING!

Overall, this NFL Draft hat is another large lost cause. Is it better than some of the other NFL hats in the past? Sure, but that’s like saying a remake of Fast and the Furious with Matt Damon (making this up here) is good. It’s pretty easy to improve on absolute shit, see what I’m saying? But that’s what the NFL did this year. So congrats on that. Maybe now they can focus on improving the officiating on the field? Just saying.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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