Alright everyone, calm down. Rhys Lloyd? … WE GOT ‘EM!!
ITEM! The pale evening hour struck 9:00 PM … or like maybe 8:15 PM or so, I don’t really know … But everyone’s favorite former Goofer kick off specialist from 2003 to 2004, Rhys Lloyd (pronounced “Reece” or rather, “Reaks” if you’re trying to not be very funny) has re-entered the fair state of Minnesota as the Vikings signed him to what I am sure is a LUCRATIVE contract to become the Vikings kick off specialist. Lloyd joins other great NFLers that have the name Rhys like … Uh … Well, Lloyd, like Brandon Lloyd, but … he was never very good. Also, it’s two completely different positions that they played, since Brandon was a receiver. A shitty one, sure, but a receiver nonetheless. Lloyd … the uh, Reece one … was just recently released by the Carolina Panthers and immediately became available to sign with anyone he desired. Also, if the Panthers got rid of him, well … that’s got to be saying something right? Mainly, it’s saying “What the fuck just happened, Vikings?!”
FACT! Did you know Lloyd was born in England? Seriously, he’s a fucking tea sipper. Can you believe that? It explains his weird kickoff style, which has been described as being rugby-esque by no one in that exact way except myself. Lloyd was apparently once a Lou Groza Award finalist, which I believe is usually for best kicker in the fucking universe (in college and with the first name of Rhys) but don’t quote me on that. He’s also been around the block in his professional career, having gone undrafted in to the NFL but finding time on Baltimore Ravens and Green Bay Packers practice squads in 2005 and 2006 respectively, then playing a shit ton in the now defunct NFL Europe. If I were to take a wild stab in the dark I’d say that Rhys now has the distinction of being the only NFL Europe retread currently on the Vikings roster and, quite frankly, I’d prefer to keep it that way. Also, I heard Lloyd once fisted a hibernating bear during a dare in college, but the bear never awake because Lloyd’s naturally hirsute arms actually soothed the bear into a further slumber, so much in fact that the bear never awoke from his hibernation because he was so content and FUCKING STARVED TO DEATH. So in essence, Rhys Lloyd has killed a bear. HAVE YOU?!
SO? Soooo … Uh …. I guess we’ve signed a free agent now. Make note though, Rhys does not thankfully count as one of the free agents that we can sign since we lost two in Chet Taylor and Artistic Hicks early in the free agency period. Since Carolina cut him outright, he could sign with anyone. LUCKILY HE CHOSE MINNESOTA. Allegedly he will handle kick off duties for the Vikings, making the special teams better? This means that we won’t have to have a bunch of retards running down the field and missing tackles all of the time. It also means that maybe Cedric Griffin won’t tear an ACL on kickoff coverage. It also means that Childress was probably taking note the Longwell, despite being fairly clutch with actual long distance field goals, has the leg of a high school pot head when kicking off. I don’t know why, but it’s always bothered me. It also means that Childress was maybe paying attention during the Saints NF Championship game when Percy Harvin never got a chance to return a kickoff because the Saints kick off specialist was being a total DICK and kicking for touchbacks. So … maybe this could work out? Seems like a desperation move to me.
CONCLUSION! Whatever. I guess the team is serious about this. It sounds like he’s signed a two year deal, so he’s really going to be suited up on most game days. Because he’s had extensive NFL time on a regular season squad I would guess he’s not eligible for the practice squad, even if I wanted to assume that the team just wants to use him during the playoffs or something. This means he’d have to take a valuable roster spot that could go to a hitter on special teams, and backup offensive lineman for McKinnie, or Tarvaris Jacks … OH MY GOD!! THEY’RE GOING TO CUT JACKSON!!!! Ha, just kidding. The roster space is an issue though, seriously. I guess we’ll see how this goes. This signing wasn’t the move that’s going to get Derek Rick’s panties wet like if the Vikings signed LT (Like the Star Tribune thinks is more likely than Westbrook) but it’s a start to addressing critical needs that the team has in a fiscally responsible way.
Which obviously isn’t as fun, but that’s why I write dick jokes for free. Because I’m not smart, you see.