Sexual Assault Innocence Until Skewered on a Poorly Written Blog

You gon' get beat.

Over the weekend, the highly esteemed football franchise, the great Green Bay Packers from Wisconsin-land, had a blemish of an issue mire their otherwise squeaky clean image when District Attorney’s started looking into a claim that said an unnamed Packer player was being accused of sexual assault, the dirtiest two words in the English language when used together, aside from “Diarrhea Bukkake” and “Denard Walker”.

Regardless, here at PJD we wish these guys the absolute best and hope that this is all some wild misunderstanding. We would hate to see a storied franchise and a classic rival be thrown under the bus by false accusations. And while names have yet to be released on who the potential accused team member is, and some have speculated on candidates, but here we just refuse to sink to that sort of journalistic level.

Ha. Just kidding. Here’s the most likely candidates for Packer players who probably beat the shit out of their girlfriend/fiance/wife/daughter/dog/stripper/grandmother/ice cream sandwich:

Aaron Rodgers – 35% chance: Clearly. I mean, look at that mustache? If he’s not out drinking Natty Lites, shooting shit and beating women, than I am no longer an American.

Mike McCarthy – 20% chance: Fat people can’t be trusted either. Especially fat people with multiple chins. You think Mike likes looking at his wife that only has one chin? No, it makes him jealous. He won’t stand for it. He’ll hit some of that fat out of her. Allegedly, of course.

Clay Matthews – 40% chance: Listen, he’s young, ugly, and goes on constant ‘roid binges. But no, he’s never let his hand slip!! Give me a break. When he’s not beating off he’s beating waterboys and then female bartenders who refuse to serve him his Smirnoff Ice so he can totally go ice AJ Hawk later. Before beating AJ Hawk’s wife, of course. Also, he’s probably just jealous of how much pretty she is.

The entire Packer team – 5%: Why so low? Because the Packers can’t beat anyone! HahahahahahhahahaandI’llsee myself out.

Do you have your suspicions of who it could be? Put them in the comments. Of course, I’m just making this all up. These guys are obviously stand up human beings, but horrible people on the football field.

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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