To Catch a Predator with Chris Hanson

“Hello readers. Thank you for joining me, Chris Hanson, today on a very important mission. We turn our ever-seeing gaze south this afternoon in order to track a malicious and dangerous child predator in the state of Mississippi. Like most predators, this individual appears normal by most accounts. He has a wife, two mature children, and a successful career. But with his career comes a strong spotlight and a feeling of invincibility. With that invincibility comes fearlessness and SHAME.

“Today, we track the dangerous child stalker, Brett Favre.”

“In what was to be a carefree spring practice amongst aspiring young men to make the Southern Mississippi football team Monday, April 5th, 2010, turned into a day of terror. While young men first burst out from their locker rooms in shorts and tight shirts preparing their mind and supple bodies to throw and catch balls, and tackle each other into muddy pits, a lone figure suspiciously strolled around the corner as practice began. The young men were oblivious to this event, engaged in each other and their intense practices. Laughter could be heard for miles, but it was a sound that would soon die on soft, supple lips.

“It wasn’t until a seven on seven scrimmage that one of Southern Miss’ offensive linemen – a large and easy target due to his low self esteem over his body image – noticed Mr. Favre leering grotesquely at the practice boys. Mr. Favre sauntered up to the linemen, allegedly, and asked him a simple question – ‘How you doin’?’ – before crossing his arms and taking in the practice session. While the linemen desired to alert someone to the unwanted visitor, he was held in shock as a massive hand slapped his buttocks uninvited before approaching the head coach.

“The lineman was afraid. Not only had he been violated by a stranger in a dirty hat, but apparently this stranger is friendly and in cahoots with the Southern Miss coach! Who could he tell his fears to? His peers? The lineman ran to his quarterback, who he is sworn to protect, and made sure the quarterback could direct the team in appropriate conduct around this suspicious character. The quarterback took hold of his squad as best he could, and with a shaky, breaking voice warned his teammates of the salacious visitor.

“After practice, the head coach introduced the visitor as Mr. Favre. Mr. Favre had a desire today to speak with the players about football, life, and love. With knees shaking and a fear of responding to anything Mr. Favre shared with them, the players stood dumbfounded and aware that they most certainly would be inappropriately penetrated by this obvious serial rapist. Mr. Favre ended up sharing his thoughts on playing for Mississippi, the NFL, and left the men with an offer for a little ‘one on one practice if it is ever needed’.

“Needless to say, the offer was left hanging in the air.

“Just as quickly as he appeared, Mr. Favre strolled off the field and seemingly away from the premises. Since Monday, he has not been seen near the school overtly. However, several players have acknowledged an uneasy feeling while in the showers, like they were being watched through slotted grates. Rumors that some players can hear the sounds of an interception as they leave the locker room late at night has been the gossip this week. It has been advised that all students adhere to a buddy system and for the time being take showers at home.

“If you have any information on the perpetrator and penetrated, Mr. Favre, please contact your local sheriff of Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress before the NFL 2010 draft occurs. He is considered to be armed with a rocket cannon and a gunslinger mentality, seen with grandchildren, but slow as shit. Don’t worry about him running. Just call the authorities so another predator can be caught.”

PJD

About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

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