Visanthe at the Movies – Ava-dong

Movie buff and Minnesota Vikings Visanthe Shiancoe recently attended a screening of the newest pop cultural phenomenon, Avatar, and we asked him to share his review with us…

“My, my, fellow friends and readers, what do we have here? Is that the offseason clock that has come up and brought me my favorite time of year? No, it’s not Super Bowl season, but movie viewing season, and for this resident movie buff it’s one of the best seasons of all! Some of you may ask, ‘Why is Visanthe Shiancoe and his magic dong reviewing movies for a website that talks too much about dongs?’ and that would be a very good question to ask, so let’s not do so. Instead, let’s remember that I brought you some very critical movie reviews last offseason and that if anything you should be aroused at the idea of me coming back and doing it again and again and again. All night long. And with the look of your ‘come-fuck-me’ eyes I can tell that you are, so let’s get right to it.

Once our season unfortunately ended I made it my head priority to get right back out into the theatres and see the biggest, most alluring and dominating film that movie goers have seen since an accidental locker room incident, Avatar! Now, I wouldn’t be a very good movie reviewer if I didn’t do some background work on the film to find out what it’s about. Before going in I understood it to be a story of emotion, passion, first time experiences, conflict, pressure, giving and taking and an appreciation for something larger, and everyone I had talked to absolutely was gushing about my naked body. Oh, and the film too. But what was my opinion of it?

I found it to be a huge god damn cock tease, that’s my opinion.

By now I assume that everyone in the world has seen this film, clothed and naked (twice), but just in case I will hand out an obligatory SPOILER alert, written in large text, at a part in the article before I start getting into spoilery type details, so I don’t want to hear one person bitching about not having a warning. And since we are now past that, let me ask one critical question; HOW DO THESE AVATAR PEOPLE FUCK, WHY DIDN’T I SEE ANY NIPPLY AND COCKY BITS, AND I COULD TOTALLY PLEASURE THAT 11 FOOT AMAZON NYMPHO. I mean, come on people, did no one else see this movie? What were they doing on the cutting room floor or in the editing room that convinced them that this final product which we ALL saw was somehow the best thing they could come up with? Really? I’m supposed to believe that? Was James Cameron hung in a locker room during editing? And I mean like David Carradine hung, not Visanthe Shiancoe hung. I ask because there is NO WAY he would have let this film leave the cutting floor without a boob flash or cock slip somewhere. He’s too smart for that. Just look at his other great film, Titanic. He had Kate Winslet sprawled out on a couch for like half of the eight hour movie, and he couldn’t squeeze one blue alien tit in there? I call bullshit.

Look, I know the story was bland and I know that this movie wasn’t supposed to be all about the story anyway. Hey, I saw Dances with Wolves and Pocahontas too, ok? They’re all pretty much the same thing, but even in those two some naughty parts made it through. Oh, you think just because Pocahontas was a Disney film that she didn’t flash her cooch in there or there wasn’t a mysterious bulge in John Smith’s pants half the time? Please. It’s not the story that bothered me. The graphics were supposed to be the big money maker for this film and while they stood up, they didn’t jump out for me. Think of all the missed opportunities! You could have shown an Avatar erection and have it jump out at the audience! BREATH TAKING! You could have shown a 3D money shot blow right at the camera and TOTALLY freak some people out! I was anticipating some great action like that the entire film but instead I was left with blurry running, blinding gun flashes, and nauseating tailspins. Yuck. Even when the camera was slow I couldn’t really get into the film because every time I saw the Avatar people standing around I kept thinking ‘Really? Where’s the penis? I mean, I can see right between his legs. And no way her hair always cover her Silver Dollars like that.’ I just couldn’t suspend disbelief.

I’m not asking for much here. In a movie like this I realize not everything is going to be real, but don’t insult me. Let’s give the people want they want and call it a blockbuster. How hard is that? Watchmen did it, why not Avatar? Would I still recommend someone to go see it? Sure. But prepare for a major case of blue balls when you leave the theatre because while the films builds things up it never quite … delivers. Regardless, Visanthe gives it one flaccid locker room dong, which would have been a full blown rager if they would have just sown some X-rated parts.

Oh well. You live and you learn, and then you always wear a towel in the locker room.”


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.